Hair Balls was excited to learn that one of its favorite old TV shows, Hawaii 5-0, is returning to the air this fall. That show's success was attributable not just to the swaggering awesomeness of Jack Lord and his haircut, but because the show included a certain timeless element that appeals to people from all walks of life and from all generations: hot Hawaiian chicks.

But while it's a no-brainer to revive a popular show, it takes real creativity and chutzpah to reboot a failed series -- something we're grateful these adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care have done for the fall season. The four-legged actors are starring in new versions of both popular and failed series -- we're hoping that an all-animal cast will translate into decent Nielsen ratings, for all involved.

As usual, thanks to Robyn Arouty for her stunning photos.

 

Photos by Robyn Arouty

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Gila in Wonder Pitbull

(A1034810)

Knee-high boots? Check. Red bustier and star-spangled blue shorts? Check. Golden lasso? Hells, yeah. While 1.5-year-old Gila might lack Lynda Carter's smoldering sensuality, she can fetch a tennis ball like no one's business. In the series premiere, she battles the villainous Former Owner Man, who has stolen the world's supply of douche, from which he draws his dastardly powers. Wonder Pitbull used to live in Former Owner's HQ, Douchebag Castle, until she was booted out because Former Owner had "too many" other dogs. Now she must bring him to justice and return home in time for a nice belly-rub.

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School's only been in session for two days, yet some teachers are already piling on the homework. This isn't a huge deal for home-schooled kids, who pretty just much have to memorize which animals God created on which day, but it can be a real pain in the neck for those in public school.

The dogs in Miss Barkington's class at Houston's Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care -- all of whom are available for adoption -- had to write a one-page essay on what they did over summer vacation. Here are some excerpts.

Photos by Robyn Arouty

​DUKE   A1034079 (5-year-old boxer mix, stray)
For my summer vacation, I fulfilled a life-long dream of seeing the mighty redwoods in northern California. I walked for hours through Los Padres National Forest, gazing in awe at the majestic sequoias. I got goosebumps as I stared up at 380 feet of coastal redwood, feeling tears well up behind closed eyes as I imagined the history behind this miracle of nature. Then I peed on it.

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Hair Balls was glad to learn that one of our musical heroes, David Byrne, is taking on The Man; namely, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, for using the Talking Heads song "Road to Nowhere" in his U.S. Senate campaign without permission. (Crist is running as an independent, but historically has belonged to the Republican party, which has a weird habit of using songs by liberal musicians without their permission, often to comical effect, i.e., Reagan and "Born in the USA"). Crist used the song in a slam against opponent Maco Rubio, apparently after advisers suggested that calling Rubio a "Psycho Killer" was slightly less subtle. 

The whole exercise prompted us to use Talking Heads titles for this week's column, in the hopes that Mr. Byrne will not sue the bejeesus out of us as well. After all, this week's adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care told us they were huge TH fans, something we're sure Byrne could appreciate. So, without further ado, here is this week's column about buildings and food:

 

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SHAKER  A102218

This neutered, 3-year-old German shepherd/rottie mix loves to give high-fives over and over.  A stray, he is heartworm-positive, but this is completely treatable. Shaker's one of the coolest dogs we've ever seen. Home is where he wants to be....Your house must be the place:

If someone asks, this is where I'll be

Whoa-oh, we drift in and out, whoa-oh, sing into my mouth

Out of all those kinds of people, you got a face with a view

I'm just an animal looking for a home

Share the same space for a minute or two

And you love me til my heart stops

Love me til I'm dead

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Our guest blogger for the week, taking time off from reality shows

​As you are almost certainly aware, Houston's biggest story of the week is about socialite/reality-TV personality Erica Rose's dog giving birth to three pups.

As Culturemap explains, the births were the miraculous result of a serendipitous meeting between Rose and fellow law school student Partick Yarborough: Rose had wanted to breed her lovely Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Shayna, for some time. And it just so happened that Yarborough had a King Charles himself, and the two decided to let Shayna stay at Yarborough's house while she spent two months in Los Angeles filming a reality show called You're Cut Off! Before anyone knew what was up, Shayna was pregnant. The rest is history.

Unfortunately, this remarkable story overshadowed the births of a few puppies belonging to a slightly less-known Houston socialite, Danielle Saxton. Saxton is the daughter of Internet impresario Daniel T. Saxton, who made a fortune building and selling a string of pro-ana websites. In 2007, she debuted on the CW's popular reality series, Be This Douchebag's Trophy Wife, and appeared as a contestant one year later on the Ion Network's smash hit I Have Breasts and a Vagina!

Danielle is seldom seen without her bison friche, Imelda Neiman-Marcos Saxton, by her servant's side. She told us she even tears up on the few occasions when her schedule demands she be ripped apart from her gal, such as two-month reality show shoots, vacations in Hawaii, and that one time she slummed it with that bearded hipster in Williamsburg who said he was in a deep-post-chillwave collective but turned out to just be a homeless squatter. We asked Danielle if she would share her thoughts about these adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care.

Photos by Robyn Arouty

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PRINCESS A1022134
2 years old, stray
Danielle says: "Ohmygod -- is that a pitbull? Someone needs to call the cops. Where's Consuela? Consuela -- llame a la policia! Ohmygod, we're totally going to die."

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After several months of highlighting some of the adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care, we thought we were used to all the sad stares these dogs and cats display while awaiting their fates. But somehow, our intrepid photographer, Robyn Arouty, managed to capture an especially heartbreaking mood this week.

It put us at a loss for words, or at least a paucity of syllables, which is why we had to make due with another round of haikus. If you can't adopt or foster, please forward this to someone you think might be able to. These dudes deserve a chance.

 

Photos by Robyn Arouty

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APRIL  A1019276

Six-month old German shepherd mix, spayed

Owners evicted

Left this beauty behind

Mental impairment?

 

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With the Supreme Court's decision Tuesday to nix a law criminalizing the production and sale of dog-fighting and crush videos, Hair Balls is nervously waiting to see if there's going to be a big local boom in the Houston market. After all, Harris County prosecutors are remarkably soft on dog-fighting, so we wonder what -- from a degenerate scum-sucking psychopath's perspective -- the harm would be for a budding cellphone-Spielberg to film some hot pit-on-pit action to download and sell after the match. (Well, after cleaning the blood off his clothes and then downloading it).

Being one of them media types, Hair Balls has a special place in our heart for freedom of speech. Of all the amendments, the first is one of our faves, so we're especially sensitive to anything that could threaten it. And while we're truly glad The Men and Women in Black are ever-vigilant when it comes to freedom of speech, we're scratching our heads a bit over the logic used in their decision to void the law in question. Specifically, the part explaining why the distribution and sale of child porn, unlike dog-killin', is not protected: Mainly that kiddie porn vids are "intrinsically related to the sexual abuse of children" and are therefore "a proximate link to the crime from which [they] came."

We understand the Court's argument about the law being overbroad, but how on earth is the sale of a dog-fighting video not "intrinsically related" to the dog fight itself? Understandably, the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care animals featured in this week's edition are nervous about the decision as well. We asked them to share their thoughts.

 

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CHAUNCEY  A1016344

"To the ladies and gentlemen of the court, I would like to express my heartfelt thanks. As a stray three-year-old pitbull, I was especially interested in how you would address United States v. Stevens. As you may or may not know, my brothers and sisters are often made to rip each other's throats out for sport, while a bunch of thugs and inbred mutant rednecks gamble on the outcome. But we understand your concern that some prosecutor somewhere, at some point in time, might confuse a dog fight with pheasant hunting and therefore incarcerate some poor hunter. So my hat's off to you. In closing, I'd just like to say that while I would never bite you, I invite each and every one of you to bite me."

 

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Ah, April 14 -- the last day before taxes are due. If you listen closely, you can hear the frantic panic of folks who waited until the last minute to file. And this tax season was especially rough, what with the Obama administration's new mandate that even domestic animals have to pay taxes. Does this foreign-born president's lust for communism know no bounds?! If you are one of the lucky folks who've already filed and who have a firm command of the tax code, maybe you can help these adoptable Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care critters file their forms in the nick of time. And then you can take one of 'em home with you!

Photos by Robyn Arouty

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BENTLEY  A1002082

Poor Bentley: first, this handsome, year-old keeshond mix was surrendered by his owner. Then, some incompetent accountant told him that dogs who get neutered can write off their testicles as a deduction. Talk about adding insult to injury. Now he needs to start all over again, and Bentley has absolutely tons of receipt-filled shoeboxes to go through. What this guy needs is a dedicated CPA, and an owner of the non-douche persuasion, as he's already experienced that.

 

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March 10 (otherwise known as "today") is a historic date: On this day in history, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call, which we all know was to Domino's, for a large pepperoni-and-sausage deep-dish. Also on this day in 1952, Batista led a coup in Cuba, which resulted in the island becoming one of the most powerful, progressive, and affluent nations in world history.

But the greatest thing to ever happen on March 10 happened in 1947, in Toledo, Ohio, with the birth of one Donald Thomas Scholz, chief architect of one of the greatest bands in the History of Forever, a band which released one of the best debut albums of all time. For you philistines who still don't know who we're talking about, here's a hint: It starts with B and ends with OSTON. Scholz, a tireless animal rights advocate and staunch vegetarian, deserves a shout-out on his special day, and Hair Balls does not want to disappoint. Which is why we're rocking out to "Peace of Mind" right now, and devoting this week's roundup of adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care to Mr. Scholz and his timeless music.

WEBSTERA1017179

Photos by Robyn Arouty

​This 8-month-old sharpei and pit mix may have a diminutive male sitcom character's name, but Webster is all female. This beauty was surrendered by her owner because the owner "wants out." Webster's former wanted "out" of dog-ownership because he wanted to get "into" the following: A gigantic bag of douche; a rest stop gloryhole; a Nickelback cover band; NAMBLA. But cheer up, Webster. Mr. Tom Scholz has some soothing words for you, words for you to mull over while you wait for some kick-ass dude or dudette to come adopt you: Don't look back / A new day is breaking/ it's been too long since I felt this way / I don't mind where I get taken / the road is callin' / today is the day.

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Did y'all vote Tuesday? Hair Balls did -- twice! We take elections very seriously, especially when they involve such a colorful cast of characters. Our only disappointment is that animals can't vote, and they can't run for public office.

Truly, there has been more than one occasion over the past few years where we've been pretty sure our elderly pitbull mix could have administered more gubernatorially sound socio-economic policy. And ideally, we'd love to at least have the chance to vote for a chimpanzee, because we'd like to see them wear either a diaper or a tuxedo at press conferences.

The following list of Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care residents were hoping 2010 was the year they'd make the ballot, but such was not the case. We thought we'd at least throw 'em a bone (or a ball of yarn) and let them explain their platforms anyway. (Thanks as usual to photographer Robyn Arouty for her kick-ass work!)

 

Photos by Robyn Arouty

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BILL A1007223

Party: Pit bull mix

Background: One-year-old stray

"As this great state's first neutered governor since Francis R. Lubbock, I would do my best to not just maintain, but improve Texas's economic vitality. I would also seek to improve social services for seniors and the mentally ill, while at the same time seeking a state-wide increase in law enforcement salaries. I would also make every Friday Chase-Your-Own-Tail Day, so I don't feel so self-conscious."

 

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Valentine's Day is swiftly approaching, and love is in the air. Or maybe that's just pollen. Whatever it is, it's making us a bit woozy in the head, if not the heart. Plus, we're a bit anxious, what with hoping our mail-order bride gets here by the 14th. (We paid the extra $15 for express delivery, but still, Transylvania is extremely far away.) We scoured the best bridal sites, as well as the regular dating sites, like www.womenbehindbars.com, before we found our true love. And along the way, we came across some matchmaking sites for animals. We thought we'd share some of those profiles with you. If you want to hook up with any of these critters, contact the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care.

Photos by Robyn Arouty

​SIDNEY  A1014348
I'm looking for a LTR with an owner who can appreciate what a two-year old fox terrier mix (and a Virgo) has to offer. I enjoy the outdoors, peeing on things, and sudoku. I've been a stray forever, so I'm just looking to settle down with that special someone. Is that you?

 

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