What if Texas Split Into Separate States as California Is Proposing?

Categories: Texas

new-texas-map.jpg
NEW TEXAS! YEE-HAW! (larger version at bottom of the post)
Apparently, the folks in California have done lost it. There is a ballot initiative being circulated that would divide the Golden State up into six separate states, increasing the United States to 55 states in the process. The proponent of this plan is some venture capitalist who really just wants to make Silicon Valley its own state so he can, ostensibly, make even more money than he already does. Nice plan, weirdo.

Besides, you can't try to pull a crazy stunt like this. Texas cornered the market, packaged and sold that kind of crazy LONG ago. We're the state whose governor actually suggested secession from America was a viable option. Our first flag was a canon with the words "Come and Take It" on it. You can't out crazy us, California, but nice try.

So, before you start trying to make us look sane and rational, we've come up with our own plan to divide Texas into five separate states, a plan that we thought up before you were even a state, California. Take that, Hollyweird.

Toronado Grande

Capital: San Angelo
Largest City: Lubbock
Tourist Destination: Fredricksburg/Kerville
Official Language: Cowboy
Demographics: Cattle Ranchers, Folk Singers, Wine Makers
Chief Exports: Cows, Beer, Guns
GDP Rank: 3

If you like wide open expanses of flat, dusty land mostly run by ranchers and cowboys and bombarded with severe weather in the spring, this is your spot, partner. There are some fancy schmancy wineries down near the southern border for you lily-livered bed and breakfast types, but this here is cattle country, boy, so buck up and strap yer boots on, and have a sip and stroll along the boulevard in Fredericksburg. Since it has the longest stretch of border with the state to the south, don't be surprised if they build a big wall and man it with Tea Party activists.


NEW New Mexico

Capital: Laredo
Largest City: San Antonio
Tourist Destination: South Padre Island
Official Language: Spanglish
Demographics: Snow Birds, Beach Bums, Latin Musicians
Chief Exports: Margaritas, Shark Tooth Necklaces, Migrant Workers
GDP Rank: 5

Buenos días, muchacho and welcome to NEW New Mexico. This is one of the most interesting and diverse states to join the U.S. in quite some time. Not only does it share a massive border with Mexico, but it has San Antonio, the Tex Mex capital of the south within its borders along with the beautiful Gulf waters from Corpus Christi to South Padre Island. Sure, there is some extreme poverty and most of the place looks like the Sahara Desert only more brown and filled with rattlesnakes, but you can't beat the food or the ocean views. And their borders are open...to tourists and college kids, so enjoy amigo!

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16 comments
Staci Davis
Staci Davis

Weirdistan needs to expand to include Kerrville.

Anse
Anse

As a native of the southernmost end of Not Vidor, I'd argue that we're much closer to Corpus, culturally-speaking, than Tyler or freakin' Marshall. East Texas (and therefore the South) starts on the eastern city limit of Houston.

Bradford Ashington
Bradford Ashington

not even a politician....just some self-aggrandizing douchebag who made it big off his daddy's wealth

Wes Brown
Wes Brown

As long as we don't have to share space with Austin, I can live with it. ;)

Ryan Baer
Ryan Baer

As a citizen of Fort Worth, I dislike that we get lumped in with Dallas. One of our local restaurants official slogan is "Because life's too short to live in Dallas." Also, it's worth noting that all the crap that gets washed into the Trinity River when it rains eventually ends up in Galveston Bay. So Houston is the sewer for the Metroplex. Right, Wes? :)

Noelle A. Perry
Noelle A. Perry

Lol, you may want to take a look at the voting records for the state. Most of Texas' major cities vote blue, and have for a while. Sorry to be the one to break it to ya.

htownjesse
htownjesse

Most people in "New" New Mexico speak English, even down along the border, Spanish and Spanglish have gone the way of the dinosaurs. You must be white and obviously, ignorant.

Rachel Lowe
Rachel Lowe

Not Vidor...absolutely. Houston Its Worth It was a great picture commentary on how our city sucks but is awesome in its own sucky way. Of course, most of those spots have been destroyed for "progress"...

twaynewren
twaynewren

Lubbock is the largest city in Tornado Grande.  Beer is an import not an export.  Demographics should include Cotton.


h_e_x
h_e_x

The border counties have also been consistently blue, but they get overlooked for some reason *wink wink nudge nudge*.

jeffbalke
jeffbalke topcommenter

@htownjesse Actually, numerous members of my family are from The Valley as are a number of my close friends. I was just in the Harlingen area two weeks ago talking with some of them about how they very naturally switch between English and Spanish without even thinking about it. I was remarking to them how I wished I could do that myself. They, lifelong residents of Harlingen, Laredo and other areas throughout the Valley, told me I should just live down there for a few years. That's why it was fresh in my mind. Thanks for reading.

jeffbalke
jeffbalke topcommenter

@twaynewren Thanks for the correction on Lubbock. The other stuff was very tongue in cheek.

jeffbalke
jeffbalke topcommenter

Never seen this before. Thanks for sharing. Love Nate Silver.

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