Johnny Manziel Floating on an Inflatable Swan With a Champagne Bottle
So when Jadeveon Clowney's name was called with the first pick in the NFL Draft, I was disappointed. Not angry. I had prepared myself for that moment. I was just disappointed.
But when Manziel began to plummet like a stone down the board in the first round, giving the Texans a "relevance mulligan" and a chance to move back up into the first round and get a potential franchise quarterback (and radio/blog content MACHINE), and they didn't do it, I was, once again, legitimately angry.
Now, less than one month into the "Johnny Manziel, True Professional" Era, I am boiling...boiling with the white hot fury of a thousand fireball shots.
Why? Well, I'll tell ya....
Since the time Roger Goodell announced his selection by the Cleveland Browns to the throng in attendance at Radio City Music Hall and the millions watching on television at home, Johnny Manziel has been:
1) spotted spraying champagne on giddy club-goers on draft night,
2) spotted with Gronk poolside amid a dozen (or more...lots more) bikini-clad babes in Vegas,
3) spotted leaving a Hollywood club with a half-dozen or so fully clothed (okay, kind of fully clothed) babes last week...
Now, Saturday morning, the internet gifts us this....
Johnny Manziel floating on an inflatable swan swilling a bottle of champagne at some party in Austin.
I would tag this with some statement of marvel, like we should be totally shocked and caught off guard, but at this point, nothing shocks me with Manziel. What we need now is a Johnny Manziel app, where the app randomly fills in the blanks of this sentence Mad Libs style (using every available word in the English language):
"Hey, can you believe we saw Johnny Manziel (verb) ing on a (noun) while (verb) ing a (noun) ???
And then the app would give us the percentage chance that the completed sentence could feasibly occur? I'm fairly certain there are zero Manziel-combinations that produce a feasibility percentage below 65 percent. So yes, that means I think there's a higher percentage chance that we see Johnny Manziel grinding on a fire hydrant while reading a roll of toilet paper than there is completing his first career passing attempt.
Admit it, so do you.
When he was going through the pre-draft process -- the media sessions, the interviews, the Gruden camp -- Manziel continually promised everyone that he wanted to distance himself from "Johnny Football," his ubiquitous alter ego that gets Johnny Manziel roughly 90 percent of his attention, web hits and Instagram followers.
Well, that's one promise I'm glad he didn't keep. "Johnny Football" appears to be back, floating on an inflatable swan, exactly how we all drew it up.
Dammit, Texans. What were you thinking?
///grabs barf bag, hits PLAY on Tom Savage highlights, chugs another shot of whiskey///