Five Things Ukrainians Need to Know About Ted Cruz

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There's been a lot going on in Ukraine, what with Russia and Putin and all that upheaval. It's been so crazy that everyone in Washington D.C. has an opinion on Ukraine and half of them seem to be actually crossing the big water to go tell Ukrainians in person what they ought to do. Well, you can now add Sen. Ted Cruz to the list of in-the-flesh advisers. Cruz has announced he is heading over to Ukraine in a couple of weeks. That should give the people of that nation ample time to prepare. In case they somehow are unaware of the Cruz-ness of the world, we have a few tips for how to handle all of the greatness that is Cruz.

5. Don't bring up the Canadian thing. Cruz is a U.S. senator and he's from Texas and everything, but his mother kind of slipped up. She had him while the family was living in Canada so technically Cruz is a Canadian citizen. This was uncovered last year and splashed all over the place during an extremely slow news cycle. Cruz even kept the story going by pledging to get rid of his Canadian citizenship as soon as possible, though he still hasn't actually done it. So he might seem a little too cheerful and he might say "Eh" at the end of a sentence every so often, but he is totally not Canadian where it counts (in the voting) so we advise y'all to pretend like you don't notice the little signs and let him be.

4. The works of Dr. Seuss are an excellent distraction. There's a 66 percent chance Cruz will arrive in the Ukraine and immediately start telling both the Ukrainians and the Russians what they ought to be doing and how things are done in America. Since he's an American and all (technically) y'all won't be able to do much about it, but just as we Americans remember every Thanksgiving, when conversations get awkward, just change the subject. Cruz revealed during his non-filibuster filibuster last fall that he can't resist Dr. Seuss, even in the middle of some political grandstanding, so Ukrainian officials should keep a stack of the author's works on hand to distract him any time things get tense.He has a penchant for "Green Eggs and Ham" and "Cat in the Hat" is also a winner.

3. Just go with the whole Reagan thing. Cruz, like every Republican with even a smidgeon of presidential aspirations, loves to invoke the hallowed image of former President Ronald Reagan. Reagan is the kind of Republican (the kind that wins national elections and is beloved by many) that Cruz and all the other little Republicans hope to be, so he's going to quote Reagan, he's going to stand in Reagan-esque poses. Hell, he might even show a little Reagan video just to get really seal up the mental association. This will be amusing the first time he does it, kind of funny the second time and irritating as can be when he's on his fifth misquotation. But he's a Republican, and he's going to do it so don't try to fight it. You'll save time in the long run.

2. The Princess Bride. Cruz loves this movie. If you don't want him out on the town trying to help the locals turn the tables and actually invade Russia, then you'll need to keep him occupied at night. The Princess Bride is purportedly his favorite movie and it should be just the ticket to keep him occupied.

1. He Might Not Leave. Watch out, Washington D.C. may collectively try and donate him and his "leadership skills" to help out. Cruz holds the dubious distinction of playing a brand of politics that is so abrasive he's even managed to piss off a significant portion of his own party. He's unpopular enough the joke goes that he should get a food tester, so watch out. You might get some friendly-sounding calls from the president or members of Congress, and they may decide that Ukraine needs Cruz, and they may try and "give" him to you. Permanently.

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1 comments
h_e_x
h_e_x

No way in hell any Ukrainian or Russian is going to listen to someone who looks as candy-assed as him.

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