Zapruder Analysis of an Irate WWE Fan After the Royal Rumble
I mean, this dude is angry....
Okay, where do we begin with this one? Sweet fancy Moses. Let's go to the Zapruder...
0:01 -- We appear to be in the living room of somebody, lights all turned off perhaps for effect. Or perhaps for mood. I mean, WWE pay-per-views are a real panty dropper, huh, fellas? On the television is the final sequence of last night's Royal Rumble with Roman Reigns and Batista battling over who will get a title shot at Wrestlemania. Reigns is a young up-and-comer who had just eliminated a Rumble record 12 different men. Batista is returning from a four-year absence and politically cutting in front of everyone else who's been working five nights a week for the past ten months.
0:09 -- "BATISTA ELIMINATES REIGNS..." Be warned, all hell is about to break loose in this house. This will be a bad time to be a shitty wall decoration or a piece of Walmart furniture, trust me.
0:17 -- Barely visible, we see the silhouette of a viewer conveying some very disappointed body language, the silhouette bearing a slight resemblance to King King Bundy in pajamas.
0:23 -- On come the lights, and before they even go from dark to dim, the fan in question (we will call him Big Jared, because he is big and he looks like the "Before" pictures of Jared from the Subway commercials) is ripping some decoration that looks like Kramer's garlic kevorka exorcism necklace off of the wall. Oddly enough, in his anger, by tearing down that weird piece of grade-school art, Big Jared has inadvertently improved the decor in the room significantly.
0:25 -- We get a side view of Big Jared, and I'm fairly certain he hasn't been this angry since the chocolate fountain at Golden Corral locked up and went dry. He is storming around with a purpose; somebody reinforce the steps.
0:29 -- Okay, we learn from the off-camera female voice that his name is Michael, so he will heretofore be referred to as Big Mike. I'm also guessing since the female voice off camera was rolling on this moment that this isn't the first time Big Mike has exploded negatively about the booking of WWE pay-per-views. Given how haphazard and Cena-centric WWE's booking has been this year, I'm guessing that it's been a bad year to be a shitty wall decoration in Big Mike's house.
0:35 -- "I'mneverorderingthisfuckingpayperviewagainEVER!!!!!" .... sure you're not...until the next pay-per-view.
0:40 -- "Don't follow me..." Naturally, camera in hand, she follows him, which, I'm not gonna lie, feels a little dangerous. This is how one of the two dudes in Siegfried and Roy (I always forget which one) wound up getting devoured by a white tiger.
0:45 -- We enter a room that is either unfurnished or from which the furniture has all been thrown out the window (or trashed after previously poorly booked WWE pay-per-views). The nicest piece in the room is the toy wrestling ring in the middle of the floor where presumably Big Mike had mapped out exactly how he saw this year's Rumble going down using his action figures.
0:47 -- Big Mike flips over some structure that is either a table or just a random pile of plywood, or that perhaps was a table before he turned it into a random pile of plywood.
0:51 -- "HE LEFT!!" Big Mike is clearly having a hard time with the WWE rewarding Batista when he left the company for four years. The McMahons may have forgiven him, but Big Mike hasn't! To the point that we got an eye rub to wipe away tears. I felt this same way each time Gary Kubiak put Matt Schaub back into a game the second half of last season.
1:06 -- Down goes the standing lamp. This is turning into Big Mike fighting his emotions in a hardcore match with weapons.
1:12 -- Big Mike is winded from swinging the lamp. Seriously winded.
1:21 -- "Every time you laugh at me, it's something else I'm gonna break." This will be a metaphor for something in about five years when, instead of conditionally breaking pieces of furniture one by one, Big Mike will be conditionally executing hostages one by one.
1:28 -- Well, everything in that room is already broken, so time for Big Mike to get cracking on another room!
1:32 -- "I better not have anything Batista!" Ah, it appears Big Mike is heading into the room with his tape and DVD library, which I'm sure is meticulously assembled in alphabetical order on some built-in shelves along the back wall....
1:35 -- ....or not.
1:43 -- "He's not good enough to have his own DVD, is he??" Um, actually.....
1:44 -- "...or I wasn't stupid enough to buy it!" Oh no, Big Mike, you're entirely stupid enough to buy it.
1:48 -- Seriously, why have orderly storage on shelves when you can just throw everything randomly into a box? My guess is that there used to be shelves in this room (and furniture) but they've long since been broken, perhaps when WWE reintroduced The Rock into storylines before last year's Wrestlemania.
1:57 -- "Fuck you two...fuck both of ya...." Down go two more hostages....
2:04 -- Big Mike shows his disdain for the 2014 Royal Rumble by destroying the DVD for a previous year's Rumble, a DVD on which he probably spent 50 bucks. Solid statement by him; I'm sure they're scrambling right now in WWE's headquarters on how to handle this "Big Mike Situation."
2:12 -- Tearing up a DVD has Mike heavily panting like he just ran a 5K.
2:16 -- Laughter from camera lady, and she's this close to meeting the fate of one of those future hostages...
2:25 -- Big Mike is looking for anything to break, and comes up with a fairly hideous turquoise desk lamp that someone at one point actually looked at and said, "You know what would look really good on my desk? This turquoise desk lamp!"
Finally, Big Mike has had enough, and he slams the door in the face of the camera, and presumably skulks to the corner of the room, where he proceeds to melt every Triple H action figure and DVD in that room with a blow torch as another litter of feral cats is born in the corner of the room.