The Houston Texans Are Not (Mathematically) Dead Yet!


Now, you may want to sit down here...I know this sounds crazy, but this tattered 2-10 punching bag that is in the midst of a ten game losing streak needs a little bit of help to make the playoffs at 6-10. They do not, repeat DO NOT, control their own destiny. Right, crazy, I know.

Thanks to the hard work of Chris Burke at SI.com (with an assist from the ESPN.com Playoff Machine), the combination of events that would need to take place for the Texans to rise from their soap opera-style amnesia and make the 2013 NFL playoffs goes as follows:

• The Houston Texans must win the remainder of their games.
No team that's finished worse than even 7-9 has ever made the playoffs (and that was a division crown in 2010 with 7-9 Seattle), so this one is a no brainer. You all know the Texans remaining four games: at Jacksonville, at Indianapolis, home for Denver, and at Tennessee.

• The Baltimore Ravens (6-6) and Miami Dolphins (6-6) must lose their remaining four games.
Again, another mathematical no brainer as the Texans are hoping for a mosh pit of 6-10 teams, which essentially turns the AFC second wild card chase into the party equivalent of that gaggle of dorks in Dead Poets Society gathering in that cave to read poems to each other. Lamest. Party. Ever.

• The Tennessee Titans (5-7), Pittsburgh Steelers (5-7), San Diego Chargers (5-7) and New York Jets (5-7, and with Ed Reed on the roster) must ALL finish 1-3 or worse.
More obvious math, although the question becomes "Is that even possible, given the fact that some of these teams have to play each other, right?" The answer is "Yes, it's still possible," which may be the most amazing thing about all of this.

• The Oakland Raiders (4-8), Cleveland Browns (4-8) and Buffalo Bills (4-8) must finish 2-2 or worse.
More obvious and necessary math. The most painful part of this post is the reminder that a) all three of these teams are two games better than the Texans in the standings, and b) the Texans lost to Matt F-ing McGloin! At home!

Now comes the really crazy part, and I'll defer to Burke on this one:

The Texans' ridiculous hope for the playoffs: to have at least seven AFC teams finish tied at 6-10 -- themselves, plus the Steelers, Ravens, Dolphins, Browns, Jets, Chargers and the winner of a Week 15 game between the Bills and Jaguars. Oakland, Tennessee and the loser of that Buffalo-Jacksonville game could finish 6-10 or 5-11 without propping up another wild-card contender's record.

Should that happen, the Texans' could secure the AFC's second wild-card spot via a tremendously convoluted set of tiebreakers.

I'll take the ESPN.com Playoff Machine's word for it (mostly because as a "machine" it is, by definition, smarter than me.)

So if you want to keep that 0.00001 percent of playoff hope alive this weekend, here are the important games and the team in each game that you need to root for in BOLD:

Houston (-3) at Jacksonville
Minnesota (+7) at Baltimore
Cleveland at New England
Oakland (+2 1/2) at New York Jets
Miami at Pittsburgh (-3 1/2)
New York Giants (+3) at San Diego

So let's not go printing those Teddy Bridgewater jerseys just yet, Houston! There's still time, the pathetic soap opera character that is the Houston Texans might just shake this amnesia and remember that they were supposed to be a Super Bowl contender!

More likely? The diabolical Shahid Khan (whose mustache screams "SOAP OPERA VILLAIN") kills them once and for all in front of tens of viewers in Jacksonville.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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7 comments
Robert Whitley
Robert Whitley

Gtfoh they are done. What a waste of time article.

garage_door_opener
garage_door_opener

So now you're basically making up reasons to once again diss the Texans when they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, presumably as soon as tonight, most definitely by Sunday. You sir are what my grand-pappy called a pot-stirrer. Go take a long walk off a short pier.

Puller58
Puller58 topcommenter

I remember that years ago sports teams on the road would get hooked on soaps since they had the time to watch daytime TV.  (And once the entire Arizona Diamondbacks team was in the audience for a Jerry Springer show taping.)  The Texans are closest to Dark Shadows as a soap opera.  (Undead.)  I suspect the odds out of Vegas on the Texans pulling off an entry into the playoffs are very high.

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

Damn, my friends and I followed Days in college as well in the early 90's.  Carly, Bo, John Black, Roman, Stefano, etc...  (how Diedre Hall still looks the same astounds me)  We gave up around the time they introduced Lucas and Sammy, but that was an odd 3 years...

davidthe4th
davidthe4th

I would not be at all surprised if the only team to lose that the Texans need to win to make the playoffs is the Texans.

stevek77536
stevek77536

OK, so they're like the character Ryan O'Reilly in HBO's "Oz".  Gets locked in solitary for what seems like an entire NFL season, steel walls, a bucket, naked.  Goes pretty much batshit, then when they let him out, jumps up saying "Piece of cake."

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