The Houston Texans Are Not (Mathematically) Dead Yet!

sean-texans-math.jpg
Heh, numbers.
Are you ready for two semi-obscure, "guilty pleasure" television references in one day? I hope so. Earlier today, as you may have read, in what I'm sure sent the Pulitzer folks scrambling to reevaluate 2013, I compared Rex Ryan and Ed Reed to Lowell Mather and Big Strong Man, respectively, from the cult 90's classic Wings.

Staying with NBC, back in college I was a big fan of Days of our Lives, which is noteworthy because a) I went to a school whose admission standards belie students there enjoying soap operas, and b) I have a penis.

I think my favorite part about Days (true "soap" fan sign, referring to the show by one word...DAYS) was how no character ever really died. I mean sure, there were funerals and lots of crying when stalwarts like Patch would die in a boat explosion or Hope would fall prey to some sort of deadly magic trick at the hands of Stefano DiMera. But for some reason, a majority of the time, right after the lethal incident in question they'd never find a body or they'd switch the bodies at the last minute, and then the character would return to Salem, USA, five years later with a case of amnesia.

In short, it was amazing the multiple lives some of these people had (and continue to have, as I saw Hope on a promo for Days just yesterday. She's died like five times). Seriously, I think if a nuclear bomb wiped out the country all that would be left would be cockroaches and John Black.

So what does this have to do with football?

Well, at 2-10, it had been widely assumed that the Houston Texans de facto elimination from the NFL playoffs several weeks ago had been confirmed with actual mathematical elimination from the playoff picture this weekend. I mean, after all, even in the top heavy mess that is the AFC (a vast stew of 6-6, 5-7, and 4-8 teams), even the 2-10 Texans were no longer a wild card factor mathematically, right?

Well, wrong.

Much like that Days of our Lives character rising from the ashes of an intricate Victor Kiriakis murder plot and wandering aimlessly back into Salem, the Houston Texans are, in fact, still alive (and wandering aimlessly) in the chase to make the NFL playoffs! Yes, they've been wrapped in bloody bandages, starving in a hovel in the Amazon jungle all season and been brainwashed into thinking they're the 2005 version of the Texans, but they are not dead!

Not yet, at least!


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7 comments
Robert Whitley
Robert Whitley

Gtfoh they are done. What a waste of time article.

garage_door_opener
garage_door_opener

So now you're basically making up reasons to once again diss the Texans when they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, presumably as soon as tonight, most definitely by Sunday. You sir are what my grand-pappy called a pot-stirrer. Go take a long walk off a short pier.

Puller58
Puller58 topcommenter

I remember that years ago sports teams on the road would get hooked on soaps since they had the time to watch daytime TV.  (And once the entire Arizona Diamondbacks team was in the audience for a Jerry Springer show taping.)  The Texans are closest to Dark Shadows as a soap opera.  (Undead.)  I suspect the odds out of Vegas on the Texans pulling off an entry into the playoffs are very high.

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

Damn, my friends and I followed Days in college as well in the early 90's.  Carly, Bo, John Black, Roman, Stefano, etc...  (how Diedre Hall still looks the same astounds me)  We gave up around the time they introduced Lucas and Sammy, but that was an odd 3 years...

davidthe4th
davidthe4th

I would not be at all surprised if the only team to lose that the Texans need to win to make the playoffs is the Texans.

stevek77536
stevek77536

OK, so they're like the character Ryan O'Reilly in HBO's "Oz".  Gets locked in solitary for what seems like an entire NFL season, steel walls, a bucket, naked.  Goes pretty much batshit, then when they let him out, jumps up saying "Piece of cake."

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