The 20 Worst People of 2013

Categories: Crime

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15. Miguel Ortiz and Sergio Maldonado

Today's lesson, boy and girls: Stay in school, even if you're only pursuing a community college degree in kidnapping.

Exhibit A: Miguel Ortiz and Sergio Maldonado, inattentive students.

One evening, a man was standing outside his Los Angeles home when the two gangbangers decided he'd make a fine if unwilling chauffer. They forced him to drive them on a few errands before reaching their final destination, Bare Elegance, a strip joint favorably reviewed by criminals on Yelp.

Our heroes let their chauffer go. He naturally called police. But since Ortiz and Maldonado failed to bone up on the getaway section of their kidnapping studies, they were still at the strip joint when the cops arrived.

The pair was arrested for kidnapping, robbery, and setting a poor example for America's youth.

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14. Maria Caya

It was the last day of school. Fourth grade teacher Maria Caya was slated to take her young charges to a Janesville, Wisconsin bowling alley to celebrate. So she prudently began drinking at 6 a.m. to get a jump on the festivities. Good teachers are always prepared.

Though eight other school employees attended the field trip, no one noticed that the 50-year-old educator had slightly overshot her intake capacity. Until she passed out at the bowling alley. With a blood-alcohol level of 0.27. Enough to fuel a Viking ship for three months.

Caya was accused of violating district policy on holding your liquor during field trips. She was paid $18,000 in exchange for her resignation.

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13. Ronald Dean

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Dean
A gym teacher at the AmeriSchools Academy in Phoenix led a class of kids ages ten to thirteen out to the playground for a little exercise. That's when they saw a middle-aged man in a nearby alley. His pants were down and he appeared to be masturbating.

Police arrived to find Ronald Dean smoking crack and masturbating in full view of the school. Dean didn't understand what the fuss was about. "I was just sitting here getting high," he told the cops.

The officers patiently explained that pleasuring one's self in front of kids is generally frowned upon in Arizona. It took some doing, but Dean finally got the gist of their argument, conceding that he could have chosen a better locale to polish his manly sword.

"I guess I could have gone underneath the bridge overhang," he sheepishly admitted.
He was charged with indecent exposure and possession of narcotics.

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12. Matthew Supran

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Supran
Delray Beach, Florida chiropractor Matthew Supran was watching his son's hockey game when a 14-year-old opposing player elbowed his boy in the face. A ref ruled the hit non-malicious, giving the kid a five-minute penalty under hockey's sentencing guidelines of assault.

Yet Supran had neglected to teach his son the game's prescribed response for an elbow to the face: a succession of retaliatory punches. Clearly he sucked as a Hockey Dad.

So the 230-pound Supran ran onto the ice, punched the teen offender in the face, then grabbed his helmet and slammed his head into the boards in a naked attempt to compensate for bad parenting. He was arrested on charges of child abuse.

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11. Greg Abbott

Dallas couple Jeffrey and Henry Buck were married in Massachusetts, only to see their love wither two years later. A Dallas family court granted their divorce.

This caused Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott to blow a gasket. He's a strident opponent of gay marriage, fearing it will spur an outbreak of elegant kitchen remodeling that makes no allowances for gun racks. And since he's also running for governor, he wanted to appease the state's many followers of Mean Jesus, the pissed off version of the leading brand.

So Abbott appealed the decision. Since Texas law banned gay marriage, he argued, the Bucks couldn't legally divorce either. A state appellate court agreed, reportedly signing its decision in drool.

Abbott got his wish: The Bucks were forced to stay gay married.

Wait? What?

The case is now before the Texas Supreme Court justices, who are expected to hire someone who can read it to them.


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3 comments
MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

@Redfishtrout Ruinous? Really? My brother-in-law went from dropping nearly two bills a pay period to a little over $80 a month for apples-to-apples coverage. The debt was a team effort--Iraq, Afghanistan, GM, banks, I can go on. I have no defense for the "selfie" charge. I mean compared to taking us into two illegal wars with bald-faced lies, "selfies,"--AKA casual diplomacy--is clearly crimes against humanity territory.

Redfishtrout
Redfishtrout

President Obama lies to the country to get a ruinous healthcare law enacted, has burdened the country with a debt load that is greater than that of every other President before him combined.... all while taking selfies on the world stage at Nelson Mandela's memorial service and he doesn't even get an honorable mention?

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