BATTLE-DRINK, Week 7: Texans vs Chiefs, a New Quarterback Frontier


So here's the new dance card, and here are the new, always topical squares for this week:

B4: Jim Nantz mentions University of Houston
This game was actually moved two weeks ago by CBS from the noon kickoff timeslot to the 3:25 p.m. timeslot. At the time, the Chiefs were 4-0 and the Texans were 2-2, and this was thought to be potentially a clash of two playoff teams. Now it might be the functional (if not the literal) end of the Kubiak Era, like Gerry Faust's bust of a Notre Dame career culminating with a 58-7 thrashing in Miami on national television for the world to see. The game will be described by Jim Nantz and quarterbacked by Case Keenum, both of whom are University of Houston alums. Hence, copious amounts of Coog mentions.

I1: Keshawn KO return from end zone
The stats say that Keshawn Martin has the fourth best average per kickoff return in the league at 26.4 yards per return. However, as we all know, the NFL stats include the "yards deep into the end zone" that a guy is when they calculate the yardage. So by my own calculations, if 26.4 yards per return is correct, it feels like Martin is taking the ball about 13 yards deep into a ten-yard end zone every time, because it feels like he gets tackled at the 13 yard line a lot. Hopefully, this week he at least holds onto the ball.

I2: "Houston cheered Schaub injury" mention
For the third consecutive week, Houston fans were painted with one broad brush as a bunch of barbaric savages by the national media for the actions of a scant few. After the Seattle loss, it was the two guys burning a Schaub jersey. After the San Francisco loss, it was the one (or two or however many) people who drove by Matt Schaub's house and yelled a mean word. And after the St. Louis loss, it was the few thousand drunk losers who cheered Matt Schaub's injury.

Because of them, Houston, YOU'RE ALL SAVAGES!

My favorite part was seeing a Texans logo next to a 49ers logo when Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser were kicking around "UNRULY FAN BEHAVIOR" as a topic on PTI. Um, the 49er fans in question stabbed people. Seriously, go Google "49er fan stabbed" and it pulls up multiple stories. I went to the Texans game against the 49ers, and at no point did I feel like I was going to get stabbed.

So the logo thing is not only unfair to Niner fans because there are only a few insane, stabby fans, but it's unfair to Texans fans because, hey, at least our few insane fans don't kill people!

I5: KC "worst to first" mention
This is a lock. At this time last season, the Chiefs were still trying to take their first lead in regulation in a game all season. (NOTE: They had one win at this point, but it was in overtime against the Saints.) They would go on to a year marked by everything from historically bad quarterback play to actual death in their facility (Jovan Belcher). In fact, Kansas City talk show host Danny Parkins made a pretty good case on my radio show that the Chiefs' 2-14 season was even worse than the 0-16 Lions' season in 2008.

N5: Texans completion > 41 yds
Some NFL teams throw the ball down the field and to certain hard-to-reach spots on the field with more effectiveness than others. We all know this. But I always kind of took for granted that every NFL team could at least attempt these throws. The Texans don't even try to throw deep. in fact, when Matt Schaub drops back to throw, it immediately feels like the world is crumbling around him and he goes into bodily gyrations that are about as confidence-inspiring as Shaky the Mohel from Seinfeld.

Oh, and why 41 yards? Because that's the Texans' longest completion of the season. Naturally, it was a screen pass to Arian Foster.

G1: Vince Young tweet mention
G2: Johnny Manziel draft mention
G3: Case Keenum college stats mention
G4: Shane Lechler takes a snap
G5: Dwight Howard mention
Column G this week takes you through the various stages of replacing (or attempting to replace) Matt Schaub as the quarterback of the Texans. From the outlandish (Vince Young's tweet) to the possible future (Manziel) to the current (Keenum) to the possible emergency (Lechler) to the resignation that the season could very well be de facto over come dinnertime Sunday (Howard).

O1: Andre Johnson TD catch
Have I mentioned the Texans don't throw deep? Yeah, they also don't throw to Andre Johnson in the end zone. ONE target in the end zone all season. So when Dre finally does pop his 2013 touchdown cherry, we will celebrate with a shot!

O2: John McClain tweets "wretched"
O3: John McClain tweets "pathetic"
O4: John McClain tweets "thugs, punks, losers"
O5: John McClain tweets "Bob McNair"
The rest of the final column goes to our good friend and Hall of Fame writer John McClain of the Houston Chronicle, who has turned the temperature of Gary Kubiak's seat up to "BOIL":

Okay, no more words. Let's do this.

(Liver convulses)

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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3 comments
Puller58
Puller58 topcommenter

As the Texans lost, you saw some nice moments from Case in the first half that show how Kubiak has been protecting his bubby Schaub over the years, but then you saw in the second half the deer-in-the-headlights that was bound to happen with a greenhorn like Keenum.  After the season, fire Kubiak and Smith and rebuild.

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

Considering I always play "Hi Bob" right before every game, this wouldn't be the wisest choice.  I'll still do it, obviously, but...

rdorr1
rdorr1

Hope he makes a tackle this game.

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