Ravens-Texans Week 3 BATTLE-DRINK: Dierdorf Loves Suggs
Well, either the CBS decision makers have a hell of a sense of humor or they're the biggest trolls in television administration, because less than a year after one of the most tweeted about broadcast performances of the Texans' 2012 season, Dan Dierdorf's Week 7 slurp-fest of a returning-from-Achilles-rupture Terrell Suggs, here we are, back where we started.
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Maybe not geographically (the game is in Baltimore this season) but on television -- it's Texans! It's Ravens! It's Dierdorf! It's Gumbel! ONLY ON CBS!
And Texan fans, if last season is any indication, the only way you can get through this Sunday is by getting gonzo polluted.
That's why I'm here!
Take a look at the Week 3 card for BATTLE-DRINK, the BINGO drinking game sweeping the greater Harris County area...
Some of the new additions to the board this week:
B4: Promo for Two Broke Girls
I haven't stayed plugged into "other people's opinions" on various things in pop culture, so maybe one of you can help me out -- is it cool that I find Two Broke Girls to be semi-watchable because it's basically a ten-times-bawdier, female centric version of Bosom Buddies (and also because Beth Behrs!), or is Two Broke Girls something I'm supposed to make fun of but secretly consume, like The Bachelor or all of the Train songs on my iPhone? Help me out here, kids.
I1: DeAndre Hopkins catch
This square is normally reserved for Andre Johnson catches, and the gods of Battle-Drink know that this square has killed many a brain cell over the last nine regular season games, killed them to the tune of 86 catches! But after getting his brains mildly scrambled by former teammate and current Titan Bernard Pollard last Sunday, Andre Johnson will play, but how well? So why not let the rookie step in? DeAndre Hopkins, it's time to raise your game, not so much for the sake of the Texans, but for the sake of my drinking game.
I5: Ed Reed interception
I'll admit, it's going to be weird seeing Ed Reed in something other than a hoodie, visor, and sweat pants, like when you were a kid and you'd run into one of your teachers at the store wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt. Unsettling.
N1: Ben Tate carry
Gary Kubiak has decided that the best approach for the Texans is to split the carries between Arian Foster and Ben Tate. Now, the numbers have not exactly been equal in terms of touches (Arian is still out-touching Tate by about a 2 to 1 clip.), so in order to make up for Tate's shortfall, I plunked him down in the "CHUG" column. While Kubiak may not be able to have both on the field at the same time, here on Battle-Drink, Foster and Tate can peacefully coexist.
N2: Texans throw short of sticks on 3rd down
Out of eleven failed third downs this past Sunday against the Titans, Matt Schaub threw five balls (three completions and two incompletions) that were short of the first down marker. I have to be honest, out of the eleven failed third downs, it felt like a lot more like eleven balls.
N4: Kubiak failed replay challenge
Last week, perhaps in a blatant "Fuck off" to this BATTLE-DRINK square, Kubiak won not just one, but two replay challenges. If he wins his next one, I'm promising right now, this square will be changed to "Kubiak successful replay challenge."
N5: Randy Bullock missed FG
No words necessary here. The city of Houston, our football season, your career and our livers are riding on your right foot. Don't fuck it up.
Now, Column G has five Dierdorf related entries that will ruin your Monday morning...
G1: Dierdorf mentions Terrell Suggs
This might hit a dozen before the half.
G2: Dierdorf misinterprets a rule
I'm not sure if Dierdorf is a "rule butcher" to the degree of Solomon Wilcots (last week's CBS "analyst"), but let's give it a go.
G3: Dierdorf says word "Elite"
Matt Schaub and Joe Flacco are playing in this game. Neither is considered a consensus "elite" quarterback, which means the topic of their "eliteness" will be a central theme of the telecast. You know which games you never hear the word in? Games involving actual elite level quarterbacks.
G4: Dierdorf references Edgar Allen Poe
If Chris Berman were doing the game, you'd need to get a second fridge for this one.
G5: Dierdorf eats a meatball sub on air
I just assume all fat guys eat a meatball sub at some point during the broadcast. Greg Gumbel eating a meatball sub is also acceptable here.
O1: Duane Brown starts
The Texans left tackle is suffering from turf toe, and is a game time decision. This is worrisome, not only for Sunday's game (Elvis Dumervil, Terrell Suggs), but for the Seattle game and the 49er game. So this will be a celebratory shot, if Brown indeed plays!
O4: Jacoby Jones "Dancing With The Stars" B-roll
Jacoby isn't playing on Sunday, so the chances of this one diminish greatly.
O5: John McClain "Spring Breakers" B-roll
Hey, the General made the trailer for the movie (PAUSE it at 0:57)...
...that's my man's scalp!!
So you never know, bitches! You never know. Spring break forever.
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