It Returns! BATTLE-DRINK, The Houston Texans BINGO Drinking Game, Monday Night Opener Edition
Seriously, um, what is that thing? I got several submissions to my Twitter, in the end I think it's one of the Heckle and Jeckle magpies playing the "Honey, have you seen my ________?" game with some sort of magpie shaped, Texans colored luchador mask.
All right, let's break down this week's season premiere of BATTLE-DRINK, shall we?
As always, the far left column is just sips, so it's almost like a warm up column. A few "Arian Foster carry" sips (maybe not as many as usual, at least for this game), first downs, some San Diego specific stuff, and some celebrations. (This is normally where Antonio Smith's ninja move" would reside on the card, but his suspension eliminates that for the week, so we welcome back Brian Cushing with his own Battle-Drink square! Wow! What a week for Cush! New contract and a Battle-Drink square? Are you kidding me?!?)
More usual on field events in the game, with some new 2013 wrinkles (By the way, these squares are all fluid and changeable every week. Battle-Drink will always be topical, if nothing else. I'm no lazy drinking game commissioner, people. I care about you.). Brandon Harris' targeting penalty in the preseason gets him onto the card, with hopes that maybe he's undergoing a change to a heel persona. The Matt Schaub throwaway incompletion was requested by many of you, so I obliged. (If I learned anything in soliciting suggestions for the game, it's that Schaub angst in this city is at an all-time high.)
A BATTLE-DRINK staple has always been to make the mention of relevant, topical people a trigger mechanism in the game, and no better way to get all you bastards shitfaced than to drop Tim Tebow and Johnny Football into the game in some way, the pious ying and the satanic yang of all football. Also, say hello to the new character in our weekly Battle-Drink drama -- tongue wagging J.J. Watt on the FREE SPACE! (Greatest new character intro since the Nard-Dog descended upon The Office in Season 3.) While I'm a thousand percent certain J.J. is sober in that picture, I like to pretend that he's imitating all of you at about the middle of the third quarter if you're playing this game by the rules.
I'm not sure if you've heard, but Chris Berman is on play by play for the Texans-Chargers game, which is odd because there exactly zero people left on earth that enjoy his play by play work. At this point, I think Berman is getting treated like the fat kid who has to play at least one inning because Little League rules mandate it. He has a "Little League fat kid" clause in his deal that mandates he do at least one game of play by play each season, so they stick him on the back end of the opening week Monday night doubleheader, which is the right field of football telecasts. (Oh, and this whole column is devoted to his inane, tired, repetitive bullshit.)
Speaking of J.J. Watt, he is a prominent part of the most dangerous column of the game, the "Shot" column. This week's theme of that column involves the interweaving of Watt and Houston Chronicle Texans beat writer John McClain, whose Twitter exploits and critiques of the squad are a Battle-Drink staple. Seriously, someday we will be talking about the eighth or ninth season of Battle-Drink and look back at our "longest running, show defining character," and it will be McClain's tweets. If "Tongue Wagging Watt" is Andy Bernard, someday McClain's tweets will be Michael Scott.
As always, drink responsibly but follow the rules! Every man gotta have a code! (I know that unless you weigh 2,000 pounds, it's impossible to simultaneously drink responsibly and play this game by the rules, so just promise me no drinking and driving. Deal?)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.