Johnny Manziel's Judgment Day: All Roads Lead to Wrestlemania (I mean, the Alabama Game)
Johnny gets squashed by Alabama
The script: I'm not sure if you all knew this, but Nick Saban's record when he's really, really mad (like against teams that beat him the year before) is like 231-0, or something like that. When it's time to exact revenge, Nick Saban is the college football equivalent of Mel Gibson during the last thirty minutes of Lethal Weapon 2. And unfortunately, Texas A&M, you are South Africa. The Tide come in all sorts of pissed off, follow LSU's script from last season on defense, force six Manziel turnovers, and collectively stand over his battered carcass after a 42-10 win.
WWE doppelgänger: Wrestlemania 28, Sheamus destroying Daniel Bryan in 18 seconds...
...up to and including the part where Manziel (played by Bryan) makes out with a smoking hot chick on the sidelines right before the beginning of the game.
Odds of happening: 12.2%
THE HIGHLY UNLIKELY, SCENARIO 2
Johnny squashes Alabama
The script: The hatred for Johnny Football has only fueled his fire even more, making him even more powerful and more unstoppable than he was at the end of last season. His usual fast start in the game doesn't peter out this time, it sustains, and by the end of the afternoon, Johnny Manziel has gone 200/200 (283 yards passing, 215 yards rushing) on the supposed best defense in the country with the Aggies winning 38-13.
WWE doppelgänger: The end of every episode of Monday Nitro for the first year of the nWo angle
Yeah, yeah, I realize that the nWo was a WCW thing, not a WWE thing. Maybe the fact that I couldn't find a WWE video where a heel squashes the babyface in a title match tells you something about why their company survived the Monday Night Wars. Maybe....
Odds of happening: 10.1%
THE OUTLANDISH, SCENARIO 1
Johnny refuses to play and rips the NCAA a new asshole
The script: Before the captains for both teams can make it to the center of the field for the coin toss, Johnny Manziel walks over to the Alabama sideline, picks up A.J. McCarron and slaps a "Go To Sleep" on him, leaving him unconscious. As Nick Saban, Katherine Webb, and a tearful Dee Dee Bonner attend to McCarron, Manziel walks up and rips the in-stadium microphone off of the referee, attaches it to himself, walks down to the end zone, sits down cross legged and proceeds to rail on the hypocrisy of the NCAA, collegiate athletics, and the sham that is amateurism.
WWE doppelgänger: C.M. Punk's shoot promo on Monday Night RAW back in 2011
Seriously, how great would a Johnny Manziel "shoot" on the NCAA and amateur athletics be? I'm picturing something like this:
A.J. McCarron, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in 4 months with your BCS National Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.
I don't hate you, A.J. I don't even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. Hell, we went on vacation together!
I hate this idea that you're the best. Because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am and that's kissing Mark Emmert's ass.
You're as good as kissing Mark Emmert's ass as Greg McElroy was. I don't know if you're as good as John Parker Wilson, though. He's a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is.
Whoops! I'm breaking the fourth wall! (Manziel waves to the camera)
I am the best player in the world.
I've been the best since day one when I walked onto this campus. And I've been vilified and hated since that day because Kevin Sumlin saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Kevin Sumlin guy. You know who else was a Kevin Sumlin guy? Case Keenum. And he split just like I'm splitting. But the biggest difference between me and Case is I'm going to leave with the BCS National Championship.
I've grabbed so many of Mark Emmert's brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that there just that, they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for almost two years, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, on that field, even in Cabo! Nobody can touch me!
And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups. I'm not on the cover of the program. I'm barely promoted. Well, actually, I'm heavily promoted, I just can't get paid for it! I don't get to be in movies. I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the Longhorn Network. I'm not on Conan O'Brian. I'm not on Jimmy Fallon. But the fact of the matter is, I should be. Wait, actually, I was on Letterman...um, anyway...
This isn't sour grapes. Ok, maybe it is....
But still, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you're the ones who are sipping on those collector cups right now. You're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of. And then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face and get an autograph and try to sell it on Ebay because you're too lazy to go get a real job. Don't you know, I get PAID for autographs, BITCH!
I'm leaving with the BCS National Championship on January 6th. And hell, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in Canada. Maybe...I'll go back to Cabo.
(Manziel looks at the camera and waves)
Hey, Uncle Nate, how you doing?
The reason I'm leaving is you people. Because after I'm gone, you're still going to pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. Mark Emmert is going to make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? Because he surrounds himself with glad-handed, non-sensical, douchebag yes men, like Jim Delaney, who's going to tell him everything he wants to hear, and I'd like to think that maybe this company will better after Mark Emmert is dead. But the fact is, it's going to be taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.
Let me tell you a personal story about Mark Emmert alright. One night, there's this tranny hooker.... (mic cuts off, Manziel walks out with double birds raised high in the air)....
Odds of happening: 2.77%
Odds that this would be AWESOME: Infinity percent