The MLS All-Star Game Rap Video Gets Zapruder Treatment (It's Special)

Categories: Game Time, Sports

sean-mls-allstars.jpg
There are a lot of ways to show your pride in your work and bring awareness to your brand. There are the traditional marketing methods of advertising, like radio, television, billboards. There are promotional leveraging methods like doing a segment or two on radio shows or television programs. Social media provides newer, more progressive platforms for bringing attention to your offering.

But above all else, I'd have to say that awkward rap videos are the most surefire way to say, "Hey, look at us, we HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU!" I've always felt this way -- when in doubt, tip that lid deep to the left, bust out some rhymes and let the rest take care of itself.

The MLS apparently agrees with my marketing approach. (Point of information: I got a C- in Marketing 101 in college.)

The MLS All-Star Game took place last night in Kansas City with Roma AS of the Italian League knocking off a group of MLS stars 3-1 in a game that wasn't as close as the final score would indicate (even though a two-goal win in soccer equates to like a three-touchdown win in football).

If you watched the game, it's likely you already knew the background on some of the stars of the MLS, but perhaps you're new to the game, watched it, enjoyed it, but need to know more about these stars of our domestic league here in the United States to allow you to fully enjoy the second half of the season.

Well, thankfully, MLS managed to threaten with termination and/or physical torture if they didn't do it cajole these MLS All-Stars into telling you their story....with shades on...and ball caps....and really, really basic rhymes.

It is every bit as awesome as I just described, and more:

You know the rules. If a video is this awesome, we must break it down Zapruder-style, but first, I would recommend watching the Chicago Bears' 1985 Super Bowl Shuffle, which this MLS All Star video appears to be a tribute to (parody of?):


Chicago Bears - Superbowl Shuffle by jpdc11

(Wow, seven minutes long! Holy hell. Sorry about that.)

Okay, back to our Zapruder of our soccer-playing friends:

0:11 -- The fellas come out firing with a salvo to anyone else trying to be cool. They want you to know that they are cooler than any cool person you can think of:

"We're MLS, MLS,
Put to the test, we're better than the rest.
Are you impressed by MLS?
Are we a lot cooler than you might have guessed?"

Yes. WAY cooler.

0:13 -- Oh dear, it's our own Brad Davis! And they've got him dressed in some sort of get-up where he looks like a hillbilly version of one of the kids from Another Bad Creation. If the purpose of this video is to somehow capture the personality of the All-Star in combination with the market they play in, well, you want to know what the producers of this video think of Houston? They think we are a bunch of barefoot, overall-wearing, twangy oafs. They basically think we're Kentucky. They even have a line in there where Davis talks about getting his start "kicking watermelons," like a shoeless kid in a third-world country. That must've been before he went to high school at Chaminade Prep in St. Louis, (annual tuition, $33,000).

0:25 -- Omar Gonzalez of the LA Galaxy is up next with a verse that is delightfully uncomfortable in its nod to Gonzalez's Hispanic roots (even though he was born in Dallas):

"Senors and senoritas, chicos and chicas,
Omar is my nombre, will you be my hombre?"

Yes, Omar. I will be your hombre.

0:36 -- Up next, Graham Zusi of Sporting KC! He is the "man with the plan." (NOTE: Every '80s-style rap medley with white guys has a "man with the plan," because inevitably they have someone named "Stan" or "Dan" or, in the new millennium, "Graham." This is known.) Zusi is also the man with the Zubaz pants. Hey Roma....tiger stripes, motherfuckers! We're coming for you....

Also, he skips dessert after games, according to these lyrics. Culinary gangster, bitches!

0:47 -- Kyle Beckerman of Real Salt Lake has dreads, so he gets to start his verse with "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!!" He does look a lot more comfortable than the other three guys so far. (Yes, I know, the dude with dreads looks more comfortable rapping than the barefoot white guy, the Hispanic dude spouting Spanglish, and the white guy "with a plan." Crazy, huh?)

0:57 -- "I smoke up the field with my soccer skills..."

Dude with dreads smokes up the field. I see what you did there, MLS. VERY subtle.

1:07 -- JACK, JACK ATTACK! It's Jack McInerny of the Philadelphia Union. His lyrics tell us his story -- he signed right out of high school (LeBron!!), and now he's doing this video as part of his hazing! (Okay, I made up the hazing part.)

1:24 -- Chris Wondolowski....wow. The words "live long day" are in his lyrics. That's about all you need to know there. Not good.

1:40 -- Mike Magee looks like Bradley Cooper; that's his gimmick. This two minutes is starting to feel like two hours.

1:49 -- WHOA! Magee just said "bitch!" He's one step closer to being the Easy E (R.I.P.) of this video. Say that you have "bitches galore," Magee! DO IT!!

They ask me one last time, "Are we a lot cooler than you might have guessed?"

Um, an '80s-style rap video in a hotel banquet room with narrow-minded lyrics, pastel colors and Mike Magee firing off the word "BITCH"? Yes, much cooler than I might have guessed.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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