Ryan Braun's E-Mail Apology Gets Put in Society's SPAM Folder

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After spinning a web of lies that dates back God knows how long, after leaving a trail of jilted friends and defamed sample collectors that stretches from coast to coast, after now yanking an entire baseball franchise completely into harm's way, and finally getting caught, the decent thing for Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun to do was apologize profusely for his use of performance-enhancing drugs and let the healing begin.

As a cornered cheater, once you accept that we are a forgiving society and accept that saying you're sorry is the way to go, the process itself should be clear, if not easy.

Face the music, be contrite, let us see you.

And still, on Thursday, as he has with everything else (other than hitting a baseball) from about the time he was forced to pee into a cup back in October 2011, Ryan Braun managed to fuck it up.

Late last week, rumors began swirling that Braun was ready to come clean about his PED use, admit he messed up and construct the beginning of "where we go from here." In a situation that required a face-to-face delivery of the message, where questions could be asked and the truth could begin to be revealed, Braun apologized from the comfort of his own living room. Opting for a keyboard over a microphone, Braun sent a contrite, at times rambling e-mail to the Milwaukee Brewers that was then posted on the team's Web site.

Nice, huh.

Hey, I know as a society we've skewed more toward communicating electronically. Why burden ourselves with actual, y'know, conversation when we can text, tweet or e-mail it to somebody else? I'm as guilty of that as anybody. Somehow, though, I think Braun's desire to electronically convey his message has less to do with 2013 communication nuance and more to do with sheer cowardice.

As for Braun's e-mail itself, I suppose it qualifies as an apology insomuch as it's a statement that includes the word "apologize" (four times) and "sorry" (three times), the same way that Bree Olson qualifies as an actress because she has an IMDB.com page that lists "films."

And along those lines, if you break down Braun's missive scene by scene, you quickly realize that it is the Lord of Asses 9 of apologies. (For the record, Lord of Asses 1 through 7 were deservedly lauded, but I always thought Lord of Asses 8 got a bad rap. I think it was just misunderstood.)


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