College, Land Of Education, STDs, Now With Bed Bugs

Categories: Whatever

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If you must wear your sheets, wash them often and beware of bed bugs
You were wearing sheets as clothes. What could possibly go wrong?

The typical college party was going full swing. Someone (possibly you) had just done their third kegstand. Someone else was pouring shots of Goldschlager and someone who had seen Animal House a few too many times had ripped the sheets off of someone's bed and was wearing the pink-striped set as a toga (possibly because your own clothes were covered in vomit and no one, least of all you, wanted to figure out how that happened.)

Your eyes met and it was magic. Or beer. Lots and lots of beer. Either way, morning comes, and you stumble back home to your bed, where you replace those sheets that spent the night in his. The itching is subtle at first.

Then it feels like your body is crawling with tiny insects and you're desperately googling to try and figure out what particular sexually transmitted disease might have been picked up on the night of the toga.

Right after you've hunkered down and gotten yourself tested for every possible STD you could have picked up (which is really just a smart thing to do regularly anyway) there's a flash of memory.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Night-of-the-toga hookup said.

You laughed at the time, but now it all started to make sense.

There's been a rise in bed bugs, a veritable infestation across the country of the tiny creatures and college is an excellent breeding ground, what with all the second-hand furniture, seldom-changed sheets, general clutter and the occasional stranger wandering into your bed, according to Holder's Pest Solutions.

Bed bugs are a pain in the ass to get rid of, and it hits you, as you finally catch sight of one of the tiny flea-like creatures burrowing into your mattress, that you got more than a toga-wearing adventure when you came back home and put your toga sheets on your bed.

So you pack up your sheets and get ready for the drive to the parents house for some heavy-duty washing. But you also bring your pillows and swap them out with the ones on your parents bed when you run out of washing time for the weekend. It doesn't occur to you that this was kind of a stupid thing to do until your mom calls complaining of itching. Yup, you just became the person who gave their parents bed bugs.

"At least it wasn't an unexpected act of procreation or an STD," you say.

Your mom does not see it that way. She's also never doing your laundry again. Ever. And she posted that public service announcement on Facebook, complete with a picture of you wearing those striped sheets, warning that the only way to keep college bed bugs from coming home is to keep college laundry at college. (How did she get that photo? You have privacy settings!)

And all because of some sloppy sheet work, and those stupid bed bugs.

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2 comments
Texano78704
Texano78704

Bed bugs are flea-like in the sense that they bite you, as do fleas, but the resemblance ends there.

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