NBA Finals: Chris Bosh's Jump Shot Is Margot Kidder
I'm not normally a superhero movie guy, but I will admit that the recent wave of superhero films the last five or six years has sucked me in. The Iron Man trilogy, the new Batman trilogy, the Avengers, I loved all of these movies.
That moment when Chris Bosh realizes just how much LeBron has sacrificed for him.
I'm especially excited for the new Superman movie, Man of Steel (coming soon to a theater near all of us!), largely because a) it looks awesome and b) I am a closet fan of the first couple of old-school Superman movies from back in the '80s, the Christopher Reeve joints.
Granted, they've aged about as well as Jamie Lee Curtis, and they're probably more "guilty pleasure" than "cinematic masterpiece" at this point, but what the hell, I enjoy them, if for no other reason than we can see how little logic mattered in the '80s when these films were being made.
Which brings me to Superman 2 (and I swear to God will eventually bring me to the NBA Finals, I promise, just stay with me)...
Those of you over the age of 35 will remember that in Superman 2, Lois Lane (played by the remarkably overrated and nails-on-a-chalkboard-annoying Margot Kidder) finally figured out that Clark Kent was, in fact, Superman.
Of course, instead of just taking off his glasses and holding a picture of Superman next to his face and saying, "What the fuck, CLARK! If that even is your real name..." to reveal that he looks identical to Superman, Lois throws herself headlong into the rapids at Niagara Falls to try and force Clark into saving her to prove it.
(Maybe a bit of foreshadowing for Lois when Clark allowed her body to ricochet off of about 50 different rocks like a pinball before deciding to halfheartedly use the lasers from his eyeballs to sear a branch for her to use as a flotation device. Trust me, this marriage was doomed eventually.)
Yes, Lois Lane chose virtual suicide ahead of "um, you look exactly like him." Don't try and outthink the '80s, kids. It'll get you nowhere.
Anyway, taking this theatrical lobotomy to the next level, Clark Kent/Superman actually fell in love with Lois Lane, and because the rules of Superman's home planet of Krypton clearly state that fornicating with a regular human (or Margot Kidder) amounts to some sort of spiritual venereal disease, it was determined that he must forfeit all of his powers.
Incredibly, in a display of pussy-whipped-ness that makes Doug Christie look like Chris Brown, Superman decided that this tradeoff sounded like a good idea -- swap all of his super powers so he can wake up next to Margot Kidder every day for the rest of his life. Wrinkled, mousy, gravelly voiced, hemorrhoid-on-the-bunghole-of-Superman-movies Margot Kidder.
MARGOT. FUCKING. KIDDER.
Put in even greater, more specific detail, Superman traded all of this:
Invulnerability (except to kryptonite, magic and apparently Margot Kidder's vagina)
Enhanced mental processes, including an eidetic memory and genius-level intellect
Other enhanced physical senses (smell, touch, taste)
Ability to perceive the entire electromagnetic spectrum and various other forms of energy
Flight (including across interstellar distances)
Precise muscle control and vocal control
Super-breath (including freeze breath)
...for Margot Kidder.
It's the worst trade ever. To put it in sports parlance, it's the equivalent of the Herschel Walker-to-the-Vikings trade, only if Herschel Walker also had two club feet, no fingers, and was an asshole in the locker room.
You know what else that "super powers-for-Kidder" trade is?
(And yes, here is where I get to the NBA Finals. Wait for it...)
That trade, that horrific powers-for-poon swap by the son of Jor-El, is the equivalent of every time that LeBron James decides to pass the ball off in an important moment to Chris Bosh.