Life Lessons From Tony Soprano: Aaron Hernandez Sucks At Murder

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In Season 2 of The Sopranos, Christopher begins his ascent up the Soprano family "corporate" ladder by running (ruining?) a local stock brokerage for the sole purpose of artificially inflating the price of shares of some select companies (Webistics!). Along the way, he picks up a couple of flunkies who try to make their way up the Soprano family "corporate" ladder by capping Chrissy.

The two goofs, Matt Bevilaqua and Sean Gismonte (in case you're ever in a Sopranos "Geeks Who Drink" trivia contest), were unsuccessful in their hit, and Gismonte actually gets killed in the process, leaving Bevilaqua behind to deal with the wrath of Tony.

Tony Soprano, the boss at that point, out of a sheer thirst for revenge, did a very un-bosslike thing and executed the hit on Matt himself(with help from his buddy Big Pussy). Well, one eye witness later, Tony was dealing with the FBI on his doorstep and staring down the barrel of life in prison.

Tony managed to get off (oddly enough, the witness found exactly out who he was witnessing and contracted a case of selective amnesia), but he learned his lesson -- "From now on, murder outside the family would take place far, far away from me."

Aaron Hernandez could have used a lesson from Tony Soprano.

Over the weekend, the latest chapter in the Aaron Hernandez Murder Saga played out at Hernandez's palatial home in North Attleborough, MA when police spent Saturday afternoon combing his house for evidence and emerging with 15 bags worth of items, which would seem to indicate that life is about to get a whole lot dicier for the Patriots' tight end.

The scuttlebutt on Friday and Saturday had been that the police were preparing an arrest warrant for Hernandez for obstruction of justice, which if you're looking for historical perspective, is the same thing Ray Lewis eventually got pinched for when he stabbed a couple people brushed up against a fatal altercation in Atlanta during Super Bowl week in 2000.

By the way, if you're looking at Lewis' incident for historical perspective and precedent for punishment by the league, you can forget it. Lewis missed no time the following season, but that was when the league was becoming the wild, wild West off the field during Paul Tagilabue's reign.

Roger Goodell is the new sheriff in town, and like Junior Soprano when he took over as boss in Season 1, he "ain't respectin' old arrangements." Ask Ben Roethlisberger.

At this point, it would seem to be a virtual lock Hernandez is going to miss, at a minimum, a portion of the 2013 season under Goodell's personal conduct policy, and if this investigation goes the wrong way for Hernandez it could end up a whole lot worse.

He could wind up suspended from society.

Which brings me to back to my initial scene setter involving Tony Soprano, Matthew Bevilaqua, and stupidity.

Tony Soprano (and yes, I know he's a fictional character, but he was real to me dammit!) was not a stupid guy. He was a vengeful mother fucker out for what he felt was justice.

Odin Lloyd, the victim in this murder mystery, was reportedly dating Hernandez's fiancé's sister. But unless there was something Odin Lloyd did to that girl that we don't know about, there was no "crime of passion" involved here.

Plain and simple, Aaron Hernandez is just a fucking idiot.


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5 comments
AnalHerpes
AnalHerpes

"There's a decent chance that Hernandez and his boys snapped pictures of themselves posing around the dead body flashing gang signs."

LMAO. 

m.swain84
m.swain84

"At this point, it would seem to be a virtual lock Hernandez is going to miss, at a minimum, a portion of the 2013 season under Goodell's personal conduct policy" Hernandez won't be playing the 2013 season at all. 

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Continuing a theme: Your eulogy of "Tony Soprano," was beautiful. This isn't. Tony Soprano and whoever else, were in deed fictional characters. Aaron Hernandez and Oden Lloyd are/were not. At the end of the that episode of, "The Sopranos," the audience went to bed and the ACTORS drew their pay and began rehersing for the next episode/guest spot. Meanwhile, Lloyd is really dead and I would imagine his family is really greiving. Aaron Hernandez will face a real jury, and his guilt or innocence should really should be left to that jury--see "Richard Jewell." You're skating close to "WWTMSD," or what would the Mayhem in the Morning Show do?   

PDiddie
PDiddie

Pretty funny shit, Sean.

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