Pope Francis I: Who Could the Name Really Be Honoring? Five Possibilities
As the "I" indicates, he's the first to ever use Francis, and there have been a hell of a lot of popes before him who could have done so. About (the actual count is slippery) 266 popes have had the chance to call themselves "Francis I," and none did. (Technically, he won't get the "I" attached until he dies.)
The new pope says he's honoring Francis of Assisi, but come on -- there's no way today's Church would hold up a stone-cold radical like Frankie Assisi as a model. Someone who actually gave up a luxurious, sex-laden lifestyle to live with and help the poor?
Not likely. So who is Francis I named after? Five guesses:
Who better to spread a message of peace and serenity than this guy? Not to mention he'd be a strong candidate for patron saint of Not Touching My Stuff.
Sure, there are some great songs sung during Mass. "O Come All Ye Faithful" ("Adeste Fideles" for the hardcore) is hard to beat, and not many hymns have been turned into anthems by shitty `80s hair bands -- we can thank "O Come" for the melody of "We're Not Gonna Take It."
Still, much like the mindless sludge that is the oeuvre of Twisted Sister, the music of Mass needs to challenge those in the pews. Who better than Black Francis of Pixies fame? No one's sleeping through Mass with Black Francis and his band at the altar.
"And now if you'll turn to page 134 in your hymnals, we'll celebrate the Eucharist with 'Monkey Gone to Heaven.' "