Pope Francis I: Five Questions We Want Answered About the New Guy
2. The dude is 76?
Cardinals over 75 are barred from participating in the vote for a new pope, presumably because the church thinks once you hit 76 you become a drooling, feeble semi-vegetable who is best left alone to watch Matlock reruns.
Or, on the other hand, a 76-year-old can oversee a billion or so Catholics and be infallible while doing so.
Take your pick. Both things are apparently true. It's a theological conundrum, to be sure, but we assume Francis I will still be able to work Matlock into his schedule.
1. Why do you hate America?
Do you know how easily we could take you on, Vatican City? We just bring back Cheney to stovepipe the intelligence reports, and the next thing you know, you're (allegedly) crawling with Al Qaeda. And then Vatican City becomes Drone City and it's "hey, stuff happens" when you come crying about "timeless treasures" that have been broken.
None of those "timeless treasures" have "Made in America" stamped on them, we bet. And while we're at it, get this Francis guy to start wearing a flag pin, okay?