Spring Break! Johnny Manziel Is Exhausted from Being Johnny Manziel

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"The media don't understand the pressures $42 million come with." -- Random sobbing professional athlete in the movie "Jerry Maguire"

They say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Certainly, on a bad day, as we grind through life, it's easy to look at the lives of others, especially people that we perceive to be of privilege, and say to ourselves, "Well, what the hell does THAT guy have to worry about? Why is HE complaining?"

Admittedly, it's a tad presumptuous. Hell, even rich people and pop culture icons have problems (I think). Rolling our eyes at them when they complain is, if nothing else, a little mean.

So forgive me if I don't join in with the rest of you as you make the "wanking off" hand gesture in unison upon reading this tweet last night from Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel:

Indeed, unlike many of you, when I think of the people that need a trip to Cabo, (because Johnny is saying that the trip is "well needed") immediately the name "Johnny Manziel" comes to mind.

In fact, here is what my list of people who need a trip to Cabo looks like, I'm curious how it might compare to yours. In order, mine goes like this:

1. Our armed forces
2. Any first responder
3. The terminally ill
4. Social workers
5. Johnny Fucking Football

Ol' JFF is definitely up there on my list and rightfully so. I mean, do you have any idea how dangerous and harrowing it is sitting courtside at NBA games, like Johnny does on a regular basis? The fallout of a Javale McGee or Kendrick Perkins landing in your lap as you sip a vodka soda in the front row is almost too much to fathom.

Also, when Johnny isn't sitting spitting distance from James Harden and Dirk Nowitzki, he's been killing time by emptying the coffers of various casinos, which comes with its own set of liabilities. Do you realize that when you win thousands of dollars playing cards or rolling dice, and then choose to roll around in bed in a sea of Benjamins that your odds of contracting paper cuts (and the subsequent infections) increase nearly a thousandfold?

You know who knows that? Johnny "Fucking" Blackjack, that's who.

Also, when you're consistently banging supermodels or supermodel caliber women on a nightly basis, I've heard that they can request lots of sexual positions that your body isn't used to, resulting in occasional lower back pain. If the pictures on his Instagram are any indicator, Johnny Manziel is a goddamn warrior poet, people!

And if you insensitive assholes are not already convinced that Johnny Manziel needs to recharge his batteries on a beach somewhere STAT, then YOU try to chase hundred dollar cigars with expensive scotch and tell me how YOUR throat feels afterwards, bitches.

It's very apparent to me that Johnny Manziel needs a break from being Johnny Manziel. Let's hope the women in Cabo line up single file instead of trying to mob him all at once.

Poor fucking guy.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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2 comments
Andrew Puls
Andrew Puls

Jealousy is a big green monster. Maybe you should have played more sports instead of taking those creative writing classes.

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