J.J. Watt Wedding Cake? Yes, J.J. Watt Wedding Cake!!

By Sean Pendergast Fri., Feb. 8 2013 at 6:00 AM

Elvis tries to cut his cake, but keeps getting distracted by the J.J. Watt cake on the next table.

I fully realize that putting the words "J.J. Watt Wedding Cake!" in the headline of this post probably sent every female reader between the ages of 18 and 95 within 100 miles of Reliant Stadium into a panic attack.

"Wait??? WHA'??? J.J. Watt got MARRIED?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

No, no, no, fear not horny MILF's, that's not what happened. J.J. Watt didn't get married.

(Well actually he did, last week, but Watt's marriage lasted one day. Also, it was to a six year old. But that's another story.)

This a not a story about J.J. Watt's wedding cake. It's a story about a J.J. Watt wedding cake. Yes, a wedding cake shaped like Texans defensive end J.J. Watt.

Check it out:

The cake was brought to the attention of J.J. Watt himself (among others) by a friend of the bride and groom named Bryan Eoff (@bdeoff) on Twitter:

@jjwatt Here's the groom's cake from my friend @stephanievpoe and her husband Nathan's recent wedding. #bullsonparade twitter.com/bdeoff/status/...
— Bryan Eoff (@bdeoff) February 5, 2013

Here are my thoughts on the greatest NFL player-related baked good since the Robert Griffin III chocolate birthday cake from late last year:

6. There was an episode of Seinfeld back in the day where Jerry and Elaine each joked about how they were "waiting out" a marriage of a couple of their friends, quietly hoping for a divorce so that Jerry could scoop up the wife (a young Debra Messing, if you need her) and Elaine could do likewise with the husband (a nameless actor we never heard from again). Well, I would surmise that millions of cake-eating, football-watching males are now doing just that with the lovely (and scintillatingly cool) Stephanie Poe (@stephanievpoe on Twitter). I mean not only did she greenlight the J.J. Watt cake for her future husband, but check out the cake she procured for her dad's 50th birthday:

Location Info

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Reliant Stadium

1 Reliant Park, Houston, TX

Category: General

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Sancho

Dude better enjoy it while he can. We all know things change after the wedding. He might have had a JJ Watt cake, but before he knows, she'll have him going to Home and Garden show on Sunday afternoon rather than actually watching the Texans. And she'll always have this cake as leverage- 'honey you have to take me to (insert any un-manly event here). Remember how I let you have that JJ Watt groom's cake?" Poor bastard will never know what hit him.

Kylejack topcommenter

@SanchoWell, those seem like some unhealthy assumptions about marriage and gender.

Angela Wright

Would be nice to know who actually made the cake. Bakers name please. Can't believe you didn't even give any credit to the bakery/baker who made this cake.

Rebecca Ellen

It's odd looking but what an awesome groom's cake. Oh and JJ does know about this -- he has even visited with Stephanie (the Mr. wasn't at home). Superman left an autographed football and a video message for the groom.

Kristen Kimira Scott

Creepy. That's the first word that popped into my mind when I saw this on the news.

Trevor G. Piper

Cool and Creepy

Kylejack topcommenter

So all female readers 18 - 95 are straight, and attracted to white, athletic guys named J.J. Watt, and are also all moms you would like to fuck? If it's a joke, I don't get it.