OMG, You Guys, Five Things We Can Totally Do at MainStreet America, the Most Boring Theme Park EVER

Categories: Spaced City

main-street-america.jpg
Hey, kids, guess what? Oh, man, this is so freaking awesome, you are totally gonna die. So, many of you don't remember Astroworld. It was so cool. It was like Six Flags in Dallas, but cooler. And now I'm reading this story on CultureMap about a new theme park in Houston out on 45 near 1960. FINALLY, right? It's called MainStreet America, which is kinda hokey, but if you have to pass by some animatronic versions of the founding fathers, you can live with that. I bet it has rides and games and junk food and all the stuff kids totally love...and...uh...wait. This can't be right.

According to what I'm reading, this is a theme park full of just plain old houses. There are no rides, just a bunch of houses that are totally empty and made up to look like people live there. It's sorta creepy and it costs 10 bucks to get in. MOST BORING THEME PARK EVER!

But, wait, you guys, it says that these are fully decked out houses in a fake neighborhood. Holy crap, y'all, imagine all the stuff we can do in that place. It's like all our parents left town for the weekend!

No one's home...it's party time!

Dude, someone get a keg and meet me at the big victorian. We're gonna party like it's 1899. In fact, since the place is empty, BLOCK PARTY! We can take over the whole damn cul de sac, bro! You take the stucco place and someone else can grab that modern piece of crap with the "minimalist" interior. We'll do our best to inflict "minimal" damage on your place, MainStreet.

Nerds have a new place to study.

Seriously, nerds, all the a-holes that throw your books on the floor will be like two blocks over, so you can take over that bungalow and study for SATs or tests or whatever. I bet anything the place has free wi-fi. And since they places all have like mad TVs and stuff, you could totally watch a Dr. Who marathon. NERDS RULE!

Hot tub + wine coolers + chicks = awesome.

Whichever house has the hot tub is going to have a serious cleaning bill when we're done with it. And God help them if there's a pool. CANNONBALL!

Graffiti test spot.

Many art students grow up to be underground street artists or at least they aspire to be. Since they can't stick wheat paste posters up in the suburbs without getting busted by the man, why not ply their trade on good old MainStreet America. Frankly, a little graffiti would make this place look more like a real city.

Sex. Duh.

Seriously, dude, why did you put beds in these places. I mean, we would probably have sex on the floor otherwise, but you are just asking for some investigative TV crew to come through here with the black light flashlights looking for semen. But, hey, you built it, not me!

Disclaimer: Do not do or consider doing any of the items above because, let's be honest, you'll be arrested and kind of look like an idiot.

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28 comments
johansen
johansen

I think perhaps the bankers who precipitated the housing bubble ought to be locked into these amusing homes, and placed upon Hawthorne era racks in the public square. I for one would pay for such a spectacle of just amusement.

Sprunk
Sprunk

Ugh, don't write an entire article sarcastically. It makes the article more annoying than the intended subject of ridicule.

BrieMelton
BrieMelton

It could be great as performance art if you had various dysfunctional families inhabiting the homes.  Like the drama behind American Beauty could play in one, Truman Show in another, and on and on. Leave it to CultureMap to do the shilling and report this as a straight piece.

jasonofthesea
jasonofthesea

Weird - it's new, but its website is from 15 years ago

Linda Mula
Linda Mula

somebody is totally out of their mind!!!i live in wdls, and have no idea what this person is talking about!!!!

Gayle Davis
Gayle Davis

it might as well be the woodlands. I commuted for work to that side for many years, and there is nothing redeeming about any of it. never was able to understand what people thought was so great about the woodlands.

Jalapeno
Jalapeno

Whaaat?  No seriously, what is this for?  Guess I'll click through to CultureMap.

Joshua Justice
Joshua Justice

I hateto side with people defending The Woodlands (which already has a lame shopping disneyland called Market street) but this isn't even in the same county as the woodlands. Its literally almost 10 miles away from woodlands proper.

Joshua Justice
Joshua Justice

I hateto side with people defending The Woodlands (which already has a lame shopping disneyland called Market street) but this isn't even in the same county as the woodlands. Its literally almost 10 miles away from woodlands proper.

Melody Reid Barbin
Melody Reid Barbin

Had family in town from Denver in April. Kids ages 3, 5, 14, and 18. Had to send the to Kemah for thrills. Lame. As crappy as A$$holeworld could be, at least it had the Cyclone. It breaks my heart to see the empty fields on the South Loop. Can we really not support a theme park?

Melody Reid Barbin
Melody Reid Barbin

Had family in town from Denver in April. Kids ages 3, 5, 14, and 18. Had to send the to Kemah for thrills. Lame. As crappy as A$$holeworld could be, at least it had the Cyclone. It breaks my heart to see the empty fields on the South Loop. Can we really not support a theme park?

Crystal Titsworth
Crystal Titsworth

It's not even The Woodlands!!!!! Come on people, look at the map (1960 & 45)

Brad McLelland
Brad McLelland

It's just a home builder's model display. It has nothing to do with The Woodlands. I don't understand people's hatred for the woodlands.

Karen Simonton
Karen Simonton

Empty houses? What a waste of money. I dont get it.

Lisa Swearingen Saliba
Lisa Swearingen Saliba

I have contacted the City of Houston, Visit Houston.com and Six Flags to request information on bringing amusement park here. There has to be a way to do this, who/what can make this happen?!

R Eliza Beth
R Eliza Beth

Geographically speaking. In weirdness it's totally the woodlands.

Casey Buhrer
Casey Buhrer

I thought it was a home builder with a bunch of model homes

Melia Hughes
Melia Hughes

Whenever someone I have met has tried to pitch the Woodlands to me as a super place (which actually has happened several times), I am convinced that we are not compatible on a very fundamental level. To each his or her own, but...I've lived in big cities and small towns, but a suburb that pretends to be a small town is just ridiculous and plastic and so forced...not my thing at all.

Nino Batista
Nino Batista

This is just south of The Woodlands - I drive by there a lot - but I thought it was just a homebuilders overdone, gaudy office? Weird.

James Fremont
James Fremont

Isn't every "town centre" thing basically this?

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