Boston Globe's Dan Shaughnessy Calls the Houston Texans a Bunch of Frauds

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Over the last four weeks of the regular season, despite having a significant carrot in front of them in the form of home-field advantage throughout the playoffs for which to play, the Houston Texans looked like they were lacking in direction, almost lifeless at times.

How that could be, I have no idea, but it was, and it all started with the 42-14 pounding administered to them by the New England Patriots in Foxboro. The Texans return to the scene of that crime ("first degree football murder" were the actual charges) this Sunday. At stake? The right to go to the AFC Championship Game.

That alone should be enough to fully shake the Texans from their late-season doldrums. (The 19-13 win over the Bengals was only a partial shaking of said doldrums.) However, if the Texans need one more enemy, one more chip on their shoulder, one more VERY tiny bit of incentive to send Tom Brady home to Gisele for the winter, I give you Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy.

In his column in the Sunday Globe, Shaughnessy lays out exactly what he thinks of your Houston Texans, and be prepared, Battle Red Nation, because it's not pretty:

The 2012-13 New England Patriots just became the first team in NFL history to get back-to-back byes before advancing to the conference championship game.

Could this get any easier?

I mean, seriously? The planets are aligned and the tomato cans are in place. The fraudulent Houston Texans are the only team standing between the New England Patriots and a trip to the AFC Championship game. All the Patriots have to do is beat the terrible Texans. One week from today. At Gillette Stadium.

Pass Go and collect $200. The Patriots are in the AFC title game.

So, if you're keeping score at home, in the first 95 words of his "preview" of the Texans and Patriots, Shaughnessy just compared playing the Texans to a bye week, called them "easy," called them "tomato cans," described them as "fraudulent."

He called them "terrible."

Then, as if it couldn't get any lower, Ronald McDonald winds up with his steel-toed clown shoe and kicks the Texans squarely where it hurts:

I thought last year's cakewalk was the easiest path any team ever had to get to the Super Bowl. All the Patriots had to do was beat the 8-8 Denver Broncos to get to the conference title game.

But this is more of a layup.

Remember that Bronco outfit from last season? The one that replaced Kyle Orton with Tim Tebow and then needed every shred of luck short of teams whimsically deciding to forfeit games to eke out an 8-8 record in the regular season to win an AFC West that, in the NFL's china cabinet, was a nasty petri dish? That Denver team that when they played good teams (not named Pittsburgh) would typically lose by three or four touchdowns? Sometimes more?

Yeah, Shaughnessy thinks the Texans suck worse than them. YOU'RE WORSE THAN A TEAM QUARTERBACKED BY TIM TEBOW. I mean...if that were a "your mama" joke, Shaughnessy would've basically just said that your mom is a dimestore hooker with the clap.

Shaughnessy goes on to rehash that Monday night win with several paragraphs worth of data that are impossible to dispute if you're a Texans fan. I mean, you saw that game. Hell, I endured that game from the stands in Foxboro. No other way to put it, the Texans got their asses kicked.

But the longtime Globe scribe does not go quietly into the night:

The great J.J. Watt was a zero in that game.

Not true. It wasn't a typical J.J. Watt game, but he was not the problem.

Houston's ever-overmatched defensive coordinator, Wade Phillips, was scratching his head, perhaps wondering why his guys were unable to cover all those Patriots wide receivers.

Phillips and head coach Gary Kubiak did what almost everybody does against the Patriots. They choked. The forget what got them to this level. They played on their heels, and let Brady carve them up like a medical school cadaver.

Take that, Gary and Wade. And then the final loogy right in the eye....

No pressure. Total retreat. Total surrender.

Texans, Dan Shaughnessy thinks you are a bunch of quitters. Plain and simple.

Now, Shaughnessy is just one very strange looking guy, so why should the Houston Texans or the fans care about a possible media troll? (I say "possible" because I had Shaughnessy on my radio show the week after the Texans played the Vikings and he said many of these same things, so these are probably his real feelings.)

Well, because if anything this is a good omen for the Texans. The most memorable time that Shaughnessy pulled out the "frauds" card was when the 2004 Red Sox were down 0-3 to the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series.

Fast forward to 0:50

How'd that work out, Dan?

Trust me, kids, predictions are not Shaughnessy's strong suit...

What happened that night? Well, the Rays did come back from down 7-0, and the Red Sox did lose to the Orioles.

Damn, maybe the Texans do have a shot this Sunday!

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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15 comments
Dudley_Dawson
Dudley_Dawson

Dan Shaughnessy's head looks like an overinflated white balloon with a rusty brillo pad on top of it.

Matt Burns
Matt Burns

http://i.imgur.com/n0WPR.jpg Wore varsity jackets before playing the Patriots, and I'm guessing you know the rest. Either way, whichever team "shows up" has a chance to win. Both are great, and they allowed the same points this season, 331.

No_PC_BS
No_PC_BS

Boston Globe's Dan Shaughnessy...

Who?

Stephen Garza
Stephen Garza

Hey Jimi, the rest of the country has to care in order to "hate on anything Houston related." Nice try though.

Danny Rios
Danny Rios

Why doesn't he just pull down Tom Brady's pants and suck him off to finish the article?

Roxanne Werner
Roxanne Werner

Arian Foster's twitter profile pic is a clip from that article. They're already using it as motivation.

Pamela Martha Focker
Pamela Martha Focker

Hey its good...that's the fire under their asses they need...no more 11-1 bs talk..its time to earn this shit..and git er done.

Jimi Austin
Jimi Austin

No surprise. The rest of the country loves to hate on anything Houston related. The Super Bowl rings will be real though!

Jack Curtin
Jack Curtin

he writes the same lame articles over and over. Although the Patriots will be favored, if they make enough mistakes or the qb gets injured, they'll lose.

durka
durka

Please don't read the Curly Haired Boy's article. No one in New England/Boston likes him as he only writes articles to piss off the audience.

lakers
lakers

I say its always best to be overlooked and underestimated. They will never see you coming. Keep it up pat fans!

No_PC_BS
No_PC_BS

@Matt Burns  Aww look. A cute little meme. 

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