Five of the Least Important Reasons Not to Drive Drunk on New Year's Eve

Categories: Crime

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We all know driving drunk is dumb. We all know doing it is dangerous and literally kills a lot of people every year. We also know it is completely avoidable. With New Year's Eve coming up, the drunkiest holiday of the year, it is time for us all to reacquaint ourselves with the concepts of a designated driver, the taxicab, and the tried-and-true pass out on the friend's couch maneuver. This could save your life and the lives of the innocent people you crash your giant pile of metal that used to be a car into.

But there are other, much less important reasons not to drink and drive. They are superficial and petty, but so are many of you, so why not highlight them. Because if the thought of not dying and/or killing someone because you were dumb enough to get behind the wheel hammered this New Year's doesn't stop you from actually doing it, maybe one of these reasons will.

5. It's a cliché.

I mean, seriously, driving drunk on New Year's Eve? It's like getting thrown out of an Irish bar on St. Patrick's Day or being the subject of an angry Taylor Swift song. It's dumb and it makes you look like Lindsay Lohan. Gross.

4. You got all dressed up and now look at you.

Some of you (ahem...ladies) spend a tremendous amount of time getting all dolled up for New Year's Eve. You buy clothes. You get your hair did. You do your nails. You get things waxed that probably shouldn't get waxed. If you go and drive drunk and get in an accident, your mugshot will look like a hotel hooker's. Don't look like a hotel hooker.

3. You'll wake someone from a drunken stupor with your call to get bailed out.

Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Friends also don't call other drunk friends at 4 a.m. asking for bail money. No one wins in this scenario.

2. Being hungover in jail sucks.

I, personally, have never had the unfortunate pleasure of puking into a metal toilet in the corner of the drunk tank, but I hear it is just lovely. You think a hangover headache is tough in your jammies with a bottle of aspirin and your comforter, try it in the same clothes you had on the night before, in a cold jail cell sitting on the concrete floor. Happy New Year!

1. You will look like an idiot.

If someone gets busted for a DUI on a Wednesday or even on just a random Saturday, it could be construed as a series of bad mistakes. If you do it on New Year's, the one night of the year when EVERYONE knows not to do it and there are free cab rides and METRO buses and the like available, you will look like a freaking moron. Try to at least look smart even if your behavior often belies it.

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2 comments
texmex01
texmex01 topcommenter

"Don't look like a hotel hooker"

Tagline of the year right there!

MadMac
MadMac

That's it. Cancel my subscription and give me a refund. I am thoroughly offended by your closed-mined-liberal-judgmental-short-sighted rant. There is NOTHING that shouldn't be waxed.  

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