Five Alternate Fireworks Options in Texas This New Year's Eve Thanks to the Drought

Categories: Texas

fireworks-nye2012.jpg
Photo by Jeff Balke
Won't get to shoot this off this year. Harumph.
The drought ruins EVERYTHING! If I sound like a petulant ten-year-old, it's only because I TOTALLY AM! As a kid, I lived just outside the city limits. As a result, my friends and I would blow up every mailbox, pile of rocks and ant bed in a one-mile radius of our houses. No, we didn't blow up frogs or cats. Don't be gross. But we did have fun doing really stupid stuff like firing roman candles at one another and tossing fireworks directly into small fires we lit in the middle of the street. Sure, one of us may have lost a finger or an eye, but you lived with it and YOU THANKED GOD FOR THE FINGERS YOU HAD!

Anyway, this year, wussy officials all over the state think it's too dry to shoot rockets off this year for New Year's, so a whole bunch of counties including Harris have banned "missiles with sticks" and "rockets with fins," better known as "all the best stuff!" They think you might set a house on fire or burn down hundreds of acres of forest or something dumb like that. Pffft...trees. I hate the stupid drought.

So, with that in mind, here are some alternatives that don't blow up in the sky like God intended. BO-RING!

5. Sparklers

The lamest of all lame fireworks (and, yes, there are lame fireworks), this is like being forced to swim in the shallow end of the pool because you don't have your floaties. Having to hold one of these outside of a wedding reception is like having your mom yell to make sure and wear your sweater within earshot of your buddies. She may as well just shoot you because you'll never hear the end of it. DAMNIT, MOM!

4. Smoke Bombs

They don't blow up, which is dumb, but they do provide ninja-like cover for when you are trying to escape the creepy neighbor guy as he yells at you, "Get the hell offa my lawn!" You can also hold it while you streak down the street on your bike making a badass contrail that will leave suckas in your dust. So, that's cool, I guess.

3. Spinners

These are kinda girly, but they aren't bad. Light them on the ground and they spin really fast and make a bunch of cool colors. There are a couple that even explode at the end, which is totally rad. If you're lucky, they'll catch some air and go sailing a few feet off the ground, maybe even scaring the girls who just want to "look at the the pretty colors." That would be awesome!

2. Firecrackers

Now we're talking. Even someone as awesome as myself would not recommend throwing these bad boys as I have scars and singed hair to prove why it is a bad idea, but blowing stuff up is just plain cool. If you REALLY want to do something epic, light a whole strand on fire and watch the magic. Sure, you blow them up quickly, but with all the "buy one get 100 free" at fireworks stands, you should still have plenty left over. Plus, you won't be spending your money on the cool rockets you always do. Sigh.

1. Guns

In Texas, we like guns. Every year, people take them outside at the stroke of midnight and shoot them in the air like it is the old west. Is it safe? Absolutely not. In fact, it's goddamn stupid. But so is starting a bonfire in the middle of a really dry forest and that bastard Smokey the Bear isn't stopping me from doing that either. So, fire away, cowboy. Just don't be standing under the bullet when it comes back down.

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5 comments
SgtStedenko
SgtStedenko

OBEY!

They would ban all fireworks all of the time if they could.  We're obviously too dumb to shoot them off so they need to protect us from ourselves. -rolling eyes-

Meanwhile, it has rained a bunch since their little ban...

jeffbalke
jeffbalke

@SgtStedenko It has rained, but not NEARLY enough. We are still WAY behind for this time of year, unfortunately.

jeffbalke
jeffbalke

@SgtStedenko Oh, and unfortunately, I don't think they are protecting us from ourselves so much as our idiot neighbors.

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