Bronco Bama For The Win: Your Election Night 2012 Live Blog & Comment Feed
"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth or something I guess..."
-- Luke 13:28, A Copy Of The Bible I Swiped From A Hotel Room
Hello and welcome to Hair Balls' election night live blog and comment, where tonight I will be chronicling the mania of the 2012 presidential election. It's been a rough past year of mudslinging, yelling, confounding Facebook posts, children's puppets, and all around snark, and some voters didn't even get an "I Voted" sticker today.
Before we begin, be sure to get your drinks handy and have this here bingo card locked and loaded.
What channel should I be watching during this? What is the best cable news team to lead us through this evening? I mean, I probably shouldn't just be watching all of the Big Rich Texas on my DVR, right?
Is CNN cool, or is MSNBC the PC choice? Does C-SPAN still exist? I wish that the History Channel was carrying the election.
I will also be keeping an eye on my Facebook and Twitter feeds and cherry-picking the most hilarious and or maddening posts for all to see as the series finale of the Mitt 'N Barry Show comes to a close. That is the posts from people who I didn't hide from my feed.
Let's do this. Let's keep it clean. You have a Gary Johnson nutjob at the helm tonight.
I put my TV on Fox News because there was a funny commercial on. Whoa, Laura Ingraham looks exactly how I thought she would look. The numbers on their screen are confusing, scary, and yellow and white. There is a feeling of giddiness in their speech. Like it's prom night and they just found an older dude to go to the liquor store for them all.
Oh KPRC Channel 2 is at Democracy Plaza in New York City! Too bad they aren't letting ice-skaters onto that giant ice map. Dominique Sachse's hair isn't as red as it used to be. Sorry, I need to be paying attention to numbers and stuff.
On the local front...
From KHOU 11 News Houston's Twitter Feed:
METRO Referendum is standing at 79% For; 21% Against
#TEXAS SENATE UPDATE: Ted Cruz - 56%; Paul Sadler - 42%
It looks like Ted Cruz is your new United States Senator. (insert Seinfeld bass slap)
Over on Twitter I am watching three different feeds -- my own, the @HairBallsNews account, and my other secret one that no one knows about except my fellow Bronies. I am seeing a lot of doom and gloom, plus a lot of gallows humor.
Actor Seth Rogen also just commented that he would fuck Tom Brokaw. I am more of a Brian Williams man myself.
You should follow the #ivoted hashtag in real time, it will blow your mind. It just whizzes by. Zoom!
The METRO referendum winning out will be the subject of much anger and frustration in the coming weeks. I'm kinda bummed myself. I wanted more trollies and rails in town to keep drunks off the streets. Plus, I like watching suburb dwellers complain about something they only use during RodeoHouston season.
Let's take a Kim Carnes break, shall we?
I love all the fake hair on Fox Business, a channel which doesn't get any love. It's just as fun and crazy as it's political sibling, and they have even more numbers on their screen. And the names of the candidates on the screen, like Obsitnik, Himes, Esty, and Roraback, all sound like B-movie alien names. I am sure they are great people.
HOW CAN YOU GO TO COMMERCIALS AT A TIME LIKE THIS CNN BASTARDS???
How much is ad time during election night? I bet it's at almost Super Bowl levels, right?
Looks like President Obama just won Pennsylvania. But you know, he's only gonna get half of it after taxes...
From The Onion:
"If tonight ends with the winner undecided, it provides a good opportunity to teach your kids about the 2000 Presidential Shitshow from Fucking Hell."
Man, I remember when that went down. I was a hard-nosed broadcast journalism student in high school, and had to explain it to kids who were trying to score dates to the movies and hide their boners under an Old Navy tech vest what it all meant. Even I didn't know. Hell, I voted for Nader that year.
Bummed by the lack of technical wizardry, holograms, and other witchcraft tonight on CNN. No Hologram Jay-Z talking about exit polls? Sad.
The HISD bond passed, allowing for more funds to replace or renovate 28 high school campuses. I am cool with this -- I AM NOT A MONSTER -- as long as the new schools have stairwells for all the punk rock and emo kids to hang out under and sulk.
Hella commercials for Lincoln on tonight too. It comes out next Friday. Wait, was that a commercial too? Damn.
I kinda want Abraham Lincoln's statue in Washington to come to life at midnight tonight and in a tearful speech scold both candidates for spending so much time and money on a popularity contest, before being hit in a drone attack.
Sarah Palin on Fox News looking really neck-y. That's a swoll neck, dawg.
The post-mortem on all the channels for Romney's campaign are almost wistful. It's like they are all about to start cracking open beers and telling old stories.
"Man, this one time Mitt got so drunk that he ordered a pizza from one of his loafers. And dammit if we didn't have two large pepperoni pies at the door thirty minutes later!"
Dustii Beard says on Facebook:
"If Obama does win, I really hope he experiments with growing a beard this term...haven't had a good beard in the Oval Office in a while."
He's right. If James Harden can capture the imagination of sports fans everywhere, Obama should grow a rocking neck fro too.
The mood is tense on Facebook. Many Romney supporters are damning him, or vowing to just fight harder for the next four years until 2016. I can't see Joe Biden running in '16 myself.
West Coast reporting is going to begin soon. Does everyone have their jocks and cups on?
If Obama does win tonight -- looking like it so far -- I think that conservative radio will only get bigger and bigger. They may even start offering college courses in it.
Just found out that almost 10,000 people voted for comedian Roseanne in this election. I am going to be sick.
Greg Liestman says on Twitter:
"Just to further confuse things, I'm watching election coverage on Telemundo. #IDontSpeakSpanish"
Well, have a new, old president now. President Barack Obama has been reelected.
What will we talk about now on Twitter and Facebook? How long will one half of the country mourn? Does this mean that the flags will be at half-mast at my gun range now?
Christian Best says on Facebook:
"On a brighter note, Sons Of Anarchy was awesome tonight!"
If anything we here at the Houston Press will have plenty to write about for the next four years as the Republican party mutates away from what it is now and they have the proverbial "Come To Jesus" talk amongst themselves.
Is Bobby Jindal the answer? A more seasoned Paul Ryan? Maybe with a few tats, get himself a bad boy image? Marco Rubio, the sexiest Cuban-American in the GOP? Muy guapo.
What about the Democratic party, who do they load up in 2016? Hillary Clinton is perhaps a choice. Andrew Cuomo? What will President Obama need to do this next term to get shit done?
Will Republicans link arms with him and at least attempt some sort of bi-partisan getdown? Or will they damn him and go on a hunger strike for the next four years?
It's all good though, because the states of Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana for recreational use. Oregon said no to similar measure. But that just means that even more battles are to be fought in the future as other states look to do the same. And predictably the federal government will want to have some oversight, and we all know how that goes.