Some Real World Techie Advice for Petraeus, His Wife, His Mistress and Cheaters in General


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Petraeus's next gig?
To Jill Kelley

I have no idea if you were just a "family friend" as has been reported or if Broadwell's envy radar was on the mark, but I have to question the judgment of someone who would report potentially defamatory e-mails to the authorities before going to your friend. By all accounts, there were no legit threats to you or anyone else other than some "Girl, you better back of my may-un" statements, which is more appropriate for a daytime talk show than for the FBI no matter who they may have referenced.

My advice to you: Unless it was your intent to out Broadwell, don't assume every e-mail is a threat to national security. Check with the subject(s) of the e-mail first. Also, don't use reply all. Everyone hates that.


To the Shirtless FBI Agent

So, you got asked to investigate a threatening e-mail from Jill Kelley and you thought an appropriate response was to send her a shirtless photo of yourself. Someone at the FBI said you became obsessed with the case. Two things: first, has sending a shirtless photo of yourself to a woman EVER WORKED? In what world does something like that actually turn into, "Heeeeyyyy, big boy"? Second, knowing all of the celebrity leaked photos and sex tapes, did you not think you would be found out? YOU WORK FOR THE FBI, MAN!

My advice to you: Seek professional help from a therapist or the Nerd Herd or both.


To Holly Petraeus

I know that, at the moment, you are probably considering going Lorena Bobbitt and chopping off the general's little sergeant major, but that won't lead to anything but court dates and a successful porn career for your hopefully soon-to-be ex. It's unfortunate this happened, but you appear to be a classy lady and, so far as we know at this point, use technology capably -- or at least cover your tracks, and if that's the case, hey, look at you!

My advice to you: Your husband is deep in it and the public is not going to be kind. No need to write an angry Facebook screed or a hateful blog post. You can take the techie high road, but no one would blame you if you signed him up for a bunch of gay porn e-mail lists.


To Cheaters

Seriously, y'all, what is your problem? Have you not learned that texts, e-mails and posts on social media will eventually get you busted? Divorce attorneys LOVE digging into your stuff. What they can't get access to -- without a private investigator or a wire tap -- is what you say to someone in person or on the phone. You remember talking, right? It's that thing you do when you aren't typing. Give it a shot.

My advice to you:I mean, sure, stop cheating. That's a given. But, since so many of you appear hell bent on acting like utter morons, do all of us a favor and keep your virtual genitalia in your technological pants.

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4 comments
Occupy Food
Occupy Food

Yea it is. The CIA runs it. Just look what Dalton McGuinty said at the Google opening today. He is being exposed by his own for other reasons. Connect the dots. Where is Hilary again? Who is testifying for the Libya incident?

djoelaw
djoelaw

Jeff, I have to disagree with the advice to Paula Broadwell. (See Nowak, Lisa.) What is it about these cheating academy graduates that makes them so jealous of other women?

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