Dear Olympics: More Nudity And/Or Violence, Please

Categories: TV Land, Whatever

olympics-logo.jpg
http://dsc.discovery.com
"We live in a cynical world, a cynical, cynical world..." said a very smart man once. Maybe it was Nietzsche, or Elmer Fudd.

Artifacts like the Olympics -- both the summer and winter variety -- have grown boring and stale. TV giant NBC is getting torn to shreds for including haircut Ryan Seacrest in their stilted and censored coverage of the London games. He's better suited -- literally -- to talking to toothless mallrats in a convention center hellbent on pop domination than to human Thoroughbreds who have trained their bodies to commit superhuman feats.

Not only that, Americans don't like anything that isn't football or covered in smoke and oil. The Olympics in any season are a testament to the fabric of the human spirit and body, that much is true, but in just a few more Olympic cycles, our idiocratic country will finally grow bored with javelins and the uncomfortably tight outfits of female teen gymnasts and change the channel.

With the time difference between the States and London, results are coming before prime-time viewers can even see them. It's like a 24-hour spoiler marathon. Imagine if every movie you have never seen was constantly being spoiled for you on social media for two weeks. Just now I saw the results of a few big events by merely checking my Twitter feed. A decade and change ago this wasn't possible, and you couldn't watch a foreign feed of the games at your leisure at the office.

Damn, even Michael Phelps doesn't seem to care about what goes on, saying as much in a 60 Minutes piece days before the start of the games. He would rather be spending his endorsement money on chicks and weed. Do you blame him?

Search "boring" and "Olympics" on Twitter. Here, I'll do it for you. Art thou bored??

At least the Olympics got the opening ceremony right. It was like a three-hour Super Bowl halftime show without surprise titties, Madonna and Dumpster mouth. The presence of the stodgy royal family only slammed home the image of the games as a vestige of nobility and fodder for those with permanently upturned noses and asses affixed with sticks.

ASS.jpg
Americans need blood and nudity to get their rocks off. A few days ago there was a Mongolian nipple slip at a women's Judo event and then.... then there is the gluteus majesty of Olympic female volleyball. The guys have to wear special underwear so their junk doesn't make an Olympic splash too.

Then there is the Olympic Trampoline Team. I'm not the first to advocate Kate Upton and her buxom friends to take over the female competition. If we can bring basketball he-men like LeBron James across the pond to bloody up a team of Frenchmen, why can't we bring our stellar American bra-power?

The Olympics are too genteel, too fey, for some. We watch UFC every month and crave bum fights. If it bleeds, it leads. We need boob flashes, dong peeks, and athletes that look like supermodels and rock stars.

Even events involving things that can kill you like archery and winter's rifle-toting Biathlons get overlooked. And Americans HATE IT when they have to lose to smaller foreigners, even if it's in an event that they would care less about nor knew existed before they saw it on the TV. Americans deserve nothing less than gold at all costs.

Things got juicy in 1994 when white-trash Tonya Harding got her man-goons to club Nancy Kerrigan in the knee before that year's Lillehammer Winter Olympics. We need more drama like that to keep eyes and ears glued to the games.

Give the water polo folks machetes, put alligators in the swimming pools, have porn stars learn to pole-vault, fastest tweeting events, and maybe add some sort of Shake Weight competition to the mix, because they make you look like you are jacking someone off. Also, freestyle fellatio. Somehow. Just throw a little parental advisory on the TV somewhere. And lastly, fire. There is never enough fire.

Update: Another tip -- Combine Olympic sports. Weightlifting/trampoline competitions, anyone?

My Voice Nation Help
26 comments
tchamberlain
tchamberlain

Is this a kid writing this article?  Please tell me you have more prespective than this?

Bobby
Bobby

I love Kate Upton.

marcos.ro
marcos.ro

Seriously Houston Press??? The picture of the Backside of the girl is photoshopped. REMOVE IT. Have some self respect for your profession.

dhayes01
dhayes01

I agree with the naked Olympics and here's why:

First, have you seen this vignette by UK's The Guardian?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/interactive/2012/jul/07/london-2012-olympic-bodies-interactive

It's magnificent, and it's absolutely captivating to see what these athletes have done to transform their bodies into Olympic-caliber tools. How many of us can watch these games WITHOUT thinking of what that same Brazilian volleyballer form looks like coming out of the shower? To say differently is to deny both one's own humanity and fails to recognize how awe-inspiring athletes' bodies can be.

Second, you can draw from the original Greek games as inspiration for the nakedness. After all, appreciation of the form and its kinship to godliness was always part of the idea, right?

Third, I'm not saying that it's right for every athlete in every sport (female gymnasts under 18 are NOT right, just to be clear), but for those that seem to have a penchant for showing off what they've worked hard to develop (Stephanie Rice comes to mind here), why not provide the forum? To protect the innocent, and in the spirit of true capitalism, NBC could offer the naked events as a PPV stream. You'd find out very quickly exactly how marketable this could be.

Marlo Saucedo
Marlo Saucedo

You want violence & sex? You can find those 2 things EVERYWHERE ELSE. What a stupid article.

Dana Brock
Dana Brock

Just when I was praising beach vb and womens boxing on the clothing/uniform regulation changes, I read this CRAP? The Olympics may be a bit archaic, but is a time honored meeting of the greatest athletes in the world. It's not Mardi-gras.. or at least Mardi-gras since the ENTIRE IDEA of it was fucked for "more nudity and/or violence" Lets not ruin one of the last decent things we are part of. Production has been drastically updated in the last 4 yrs as far as the quality/speed of the filming process and the multiple angled cameras. Also, as a parent of a dancer, it's rather moving to see the parents of these athletes. They deserve recognition for all the work they have put in with their amazing children. I don't think just anyone could raise an Olympian.

Thor Delph
Thor Delph

At least televise Judo here in the states, instead of Judo we got synchronized swimming.... Really?!

Jimi Austin
Jimi Austin

I'd like to see MMA added as catagory too.

UDissapointMeHP
UDissapointMeHP

Wow. This article is a disgrace. Good job at being totally tasteless, downplaying the incredibly hard work of thousands of athletes, and turning the idea of a respectable competition into a freak circus. 

Ryan Cope
Ryan Cope

More wrecks, yes! Violence can get fucked, doesn't belong here. Oh. And compete naked. That is all.

blamegirls
blamegirls

Effing genius.  I am jealous I didn't write this.  Well done.

Clint Haus
Clint Haus

They definitely need downhill longboarding and luge

Jimi Austin
Jimi Austin

Have the soundtrack to Rocky 4 playing in the background.

gcbeehler
gcbeehler

 @marcos.ro I think that was the point. Read the article and you'll see it is supposed to be ironic.

craig.hlavaty
craig.hlavaty moderator

 @UDissapointMeHP " The Olympics in any season are a testament to the fabric of the human spirit and body, that much is true, but in just a few more Olympic cycles our idiocratic country will finally grow bored with javelins and the uncomfortably tight outfits of female teen gymnasts and change the channel."

 

Did you not read this part, or did you only see the Kate Upton GIF? 

craig.hlavaty
craig.hlavaty moderator

 @UDissapointMeHP The America I describe in this sarcastic piece sadly exists whether you and I like it or not. Go to any wing hut on a Saturday night and watch a UFC match. This country isn't as couth as you wish it was.

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

General

Loading...