Patriots Owner Robert Kraft Shows Off His Porno-esque Acting Chops
One of the lasting images of last season's NFL lockout took place in the press conference after the owners and players reached an agreement in late July. Jeff Saturday, at the time the center for the Indianapolis Colts, embraced and paid tribute to New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, whose wife of 48 years, Myra, had just passed away a few days prior.
Even as his wife was in her final days, Kraft continued to attend the bargaining meetings, and that was not lost on Saturday, who said: "Without him, this deal does not get done. He is a man who helped us save football."
Hugs were shared, tears were shed, Myra was remembered. The Patriots went on to dedicate the 2012 season to the late Mrs. Kraft, symbolically represented with patches on their uniforms.
At the time, we all wondered, how would Robert Kraft recover from this devastating blow? Well, less than a year later, it appears that he's getting along just fine, thank you.
At a Celtics playoff game earlier this year, Kraft was spotted with a tasty young blond who was less than half his age. The Internet didn't break, but it did wobble slightly. The woman's name is Ricki Lander, and yes, she's hot. (Rule of thumb: If you're a woman whose name could also double as the name for the lead singer of a hair band, then there's a 99 percent chance you're hot.)
(Point of order: Kraft insists that Lander is not his girlfriend, but merely a "pal." Right. I have friends that I call "pals." None of them look like THAT in a bikini.)
In addition to
trying to work her way into Kraft's last will and testament being Kraft's "pal," Lander is also an aspiring actress. If you go to her IMDB.com page, you'll see that she has been in 14 different television shows or feature films.
The tour de force that is Lander's career started off with a bang in an uncredited role as "Dream Girl" in The Achievers, and from there she went on to many starring roles. I mean, who can forget her performance as "Stunning Woman" in the TV Series The Class? And I know that when I left the theater after watching Ironman, people could not stop talking about the realism and screen presence of "Flight Attendant" in that movie. Totally overshadowed Robert Downey Jr.
"Server" in Prison Break. "Wanda the Waitress" in Life Happens. "Hot Girl" in Working Class. It's quite the gaudy résumé Lander has assembled!
So being the loyal, um, "pal" that he is, Kraft is clearly willing to help make sure that Lander's meteoric rise continues, and if that means jumping in and reading lines in an audition for an upcoming Vince Vaughn movie ON CAMERA, and that that audition might wind up on the Internet with about a billion hits in the first 24 hours, then so be it!
(NOTE: Here is the video...for now. Fox has been scouring the Web to try and copyright block it from anyone else seeing it, so I'm hoping it's still there. Boooooooo Fox!)
A few observations on the video:
1. Right off the top, let me say how disappointed I was to find out that this was an audition for an actual feature film that would wind up in real theaters, and it was not destined for one of those 24-hour video stores. Or Cinemax. Or Pornhub. It materially affected my enjoyment of this video clip when I found out it wasn't an audition for a porno movie. (And by materially affected my enjoyment, I mean it went from a 13 on a scale of 1 to 10 down to like a 9.3.) So for maximum enjoyment, pretend that Lander is reading for a part in porn. For double maximum enjoyment, pretend that Kraft is actually the one auditioning and Lander is helping him.
2. The creepy Lander body scan by the cameraman from 0:10 to 0:14 is pretty strong, but I have to admit the microphone hanging from her bikini top is distracting. There's no way I'd be able to focus if I were, ahem, "ACTING" with Ricki Lander and that microphone was attached to her. I'd think the Feds were listening in.
3. Nice wink at 0:15. I think she likes me.
4. Kraft's old-guy dance at the 0:50 mark is positively tremendous, easily the best old-guy dance since the late Al McGuire in an NCAA tournament post game about 15 years ago:
5. The one-on-one part of the audition ends at about the 1:05 mark of the clip, just after Kraft's "character" offers to buy Lander's "character" a drink. At that point, I went back and watched the first minute again, and I realized that there's probably a 95 percent chance that the first actual conversation between Kraft and Lander however many months ago probably went exactly like that -- small talk, Kraft using awkward old-guy words like "erotic," bad dancing and the offer of a drink.
6. "Nut up or move on" at 1:22 is my personal favorite Kraft line in this video. He's crushing it.
7. Kraft's character is an executive for "Yahoo!" Awesome! I wonder if he worked his way up through its fledgling Sports Radio division. This could end up being my life story! Granted, I don't think the board of directors at Yahoo! would be very happy with Kraft's character's language or his hair trigger temper.
8. Look very carefully in the background at the end of the video. Off to the right, you can see NFL logos on the wall, which means this atrocity likely took place somewhere in the Patriots building.
Kraft issued an apology Wednesday afternoon, which first appeared on profootballtalk.com:
"I tried to help Ricki prepare an audition tape for an upcoming Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson comedy by reading Wilson's lines," Kraft said in a statement from the team. "I never intended that it would be made public and I regret that it has. I think we can all agree that Owen Wilson has nothing to worry about. I am going to stick to my day job."
So there you have it. This little performance by Kraft just bought Rob Gronkowski immunity from team punishment for his next ten incidents involving clubs, shirtlessness and/or porn stars.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Follow Hair Balls News on Facebook and on Twitter @HairBallsNews.