Aggies Invite the Rest of the SEC to Begin Kicking Their Asses Immediately (w/ VIDEO)

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Nature fascinates me. Specifically, I love the Discovery Channel-style shows that give a detailed breakdown of a vicious animal predator stalking its target before going in for the kill. Life is Darwinian, and it gets no more Darwinian than that. Literal survival of the fittest.

But I have a soft spot in my heart for the prey. In most of these programs, they're shown naively going about their business of eating bugs, swimming or leading their offspring on a leisurely stroll through the field/swamp/prairie. The only thing that invites their gory fate is that they exist. They don't bring it upon themselves. Their destiny is not their fault.

The SEC is the Animal Planet of college football. And sadly, for the last four days, I've watched the SEC's newest field mouse all but douse himself in hot sauce and invite the bobcat over to devour him whole.

Yes, I'm looking at you, Aggies.

For years, the Aggies have been the butt of a slew of jokes, many of them deserved, many of them self-inflicted, some of them undeserved, all of them hilarious.

At 12:01 a.m. Sunday morning, the Aggies officially became an SEC school. How do I know this? Well, because everyone with an A&M degree on my Twitter timeline was firing off celebratory tweets about "finally becoming an SEC school." If Texas A&M alumni had a collective Facebook account, it would have included pictures of A&M sitting on the SEC's lap with its tongue in the conference's ear and then tagging Texas so the Longhorns could see the pictures. Whoop, hoot, boy howdy...Look at my new boyfriend, UT! Hook this!! SEC! SEC! SEC!

Along those lines, I have to believe that those Aggie self-congratulatory tweets were grounded more in a "Thank God we're not in the Big 12 anymore!" sentiment than a "Finally, we're in the SEC!" sentiment. They have to be, right? Because if the Aggies are truly celebrating their arrival in the SEC, never have I seen field mice more happy to get devoured by the bobcat.

Celebrating the sharing of a division with LSU, Alabama, Arkansas and Auburn is like someone who looks like...well, ME being fired up about my chances of showing up on The Bachelorette and getting laid. Like I would stand any chance after the parade of Midtown-style chach meatheads all step out of the limo, and then my 43-year-old bald ass steps out. Emily would throw up on sight. (To be fair, Emily is a genteel, Southern woman. She'd actually politely tell me how much it hurts to eliminate me in the first 30 seconds of the show, and ask if we could still be friends...and then trash me in an In the Moment vignette.)

Yes, Aggies, I just compared your football program to my looks. Sucks for you.

Okay, rookie mistake, Ags. I'm sure you realized how ridiculous you all sounded on Sunday morning. Euphoria, caught up in the moment, we get it. Monday morning, I was all ready to forget your perp walk disguised as a parade on Sunday ever happened.

Aaaaand then this happened....

Um....(rubs eyes again because I can't believe what I just saw)....uh.....HUH?

In the words of the immortal Booker T, tell me I just didn't see that! Tell me you didn't do a video with 13 incredibly awkward students shouting the cheers and catchphrases of the other 13 SEC schools incredibly awkwardly. Tell me that your school didn't just make a top-down decision (your school president is in the video, so he's culpable in this) to enter the Thunderdome of college football and, as your first order of business, theatrically fellate the rest of the league.

Tell me that the field mouse didn't just wave its arms and scream, "Hey, bobcat...OVER HERE!!!"

I mean, damn, Aggies. Individually, I like virtually all of you that I know. I count Aggies among some of my best friends. So why do you make it so hard on me? How can you not have learned from other schools that trying to emote in a cute video works roughly 0.001 percent of the time?

How did you not get the memo -- YouTube is the small of the Internet's back, school spirit videos are the tramp stamps. That shit is FOREVER.

And now, even worse, you've given the Longhorns ammunition to fire back. And fire back they did...

Personal, biting, accurate, hilarious.

Here's the thing. I understand Texas A&M's reasons for leaving the Big 12 to move to the SEC. The SEC, at the time of A&M's decision, at least, was considerably more stable (the Big 12 has actually stabilized nicely in the last year, though) and possibly more lucrative. But the Aggies hated the shadow of the Longhorns, and even more hated their arrogance and high-handedness. I get it. I went to a school that wrote the syllabus in arrogance, I understand.

But, Aggies, do you really think the punch lines are going away now that you're in the SEC? I would argue it's only going to be worse, and would also argue that there will come a time when you actually miss the type of ribbing that the Longhorns would engage you in. To make an analogy, the disrespect in the Big 12 was more like an older brother breaking balls on a younger brother. Was it annoying? Yeah, probably, but at the end of the day, there is a lineage and a tradition that binds, that mends fences.

Now, Aggies, you're heading into some junior high-style bullying. You're the new kid in town on the first day of school, and you're showing up in home room wearing a bow tie, butchering the gang signs of all the street toughs sitting around you in an attempt to kiss ass.

LSU, Florida, Alabama...now the SEC thugs are all lining up to slap you, mock you and swirly your head in the boys' room toilet.

Atomic wedgies begin on September 8.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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24 comments
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r.party90
r.party90

10-2... just going to leave this here.

Patrick225
Patrick225

You're going to have to step up your game, bro.  You can't brag about slapping around an SEC defense when you lose the game...unless you're an Aggie, I guess.

Olarmyb
Olarmyb

Why don't you move to california chop! We don't need you here!

punkasstexasfans
punkasstexasfans

 Poor crybaby sips. Cry cry cry. Take your ball and go home. Your to pussy to join anyway. Bunch of punk bitches. The girl who wrote this has a beat up snatch as well.

Cooperjkk
Cooperjkk

Just like to add, that i am most amazed that you guys are incapable of worrying about or writing about your own team.     For a team that has fallen so far, the longhorns seem way too obsessed about A&M. Maybe write something about how Swoopes is a perfect fit with your current QB stable considering his recent performance at "the opening". Or maybe you could talk about how one of those 5* running backs is going to be a Heisman contender this year (and hopefully you'll have a back actually ellipse the 1000 yard mark this season). My personal favorite, write something about how ND has *almost* finalized the deal to join the B12, so that you can compete in a relevant conference once again... I'm sure you all have plenty of sources that are in the know. Basically, although i love the free publicity for A&M, you guys are looking extremely pathetic at this point with this over the top obsession. Maybe take a moment to rethink the appearance you are portraying and try again. 

Cooperjkk
Cooperjkk

Longhorn media needs to get their facts straight... I continually see people in the media mocking the SEC's top to bottom strength, and then soon after talking about how A&M doesnt stand a chance in the amazing SEC. Just like the people in this very comment section that think A&M will have trouble recruiting... You are just being ignorant. The SEC offers way more tv time for recruits... A&M will be on TV as much if not more than the longhorns in 2013. TV time is exposure, kids looking to get into the NFL want exposure.Finally, you idiots (specifically texafornia) that think losing some SEC games will prove that the move to the SEC was mistake need to join us in reality. No one that watches football thinks A&M is going to win the SEC this year, and most of us are realistically *hoping* for a 7-5 season. A&M didnt make this move for immediate success... it did it to get out of a conference that looks out for 1 instead of a whole.  Grow up already, you MEN are acting like obsessed 5 year old kids that didnt get their way.

Bonfire 1996
Bonfire 1996

As has been proven through war after war after war, the Texas Aggies have never been afraid of a fight. Thanks for devoting nearly a thousand words to our program, it only increases our awareness amongst college athletic fans everywhere. But you are wrong about several things, most notably the money. When it is announced, the new look SEC tv deal, renegotiated solely because of Texas A&M's addition, will show the relative worth of our school. Further, by being in the shadow of the Longhorns, as you say, for some time, no one has seemed or cared to notice what kind of monetary and academic clout we are bringing with us, like an endowment bigger than the current top four in the SEC combined. Texas A&M will spend more on research in fiscal 2012, than LSU has in it's entire endowment. Now, do you think a school with that kind of resources is bound to mediocrity on the football field? Or have you perhaps bought into the spin emanating from Austin, spin that sounds eerily like a fear of what may happen when your "little" brother is unleashed upon a new world.

Gigemaggies87
Gigemaggies87

Yes, Sean, the SEC is definitely going to be a challenge for us but we have high hopes that Coach Sumlin is going to take us to the next level and lead us to a competitive first year in the SEC.  He's already proven that he can "produce" in the recruiting arena so hopefully that will translate to the field as well!  Gig 'Em!   www.TexasAgNoScalp.com

DeathBreath
DeathBreath

I cannot wait for the blood to flow.  These conference alignments are all about money.  So, I will love watching Texas A & M live up to the jokes.  Hell, they can't even make a proper bonfire.

Place your bets...
Place your bets...

So, is it just my IPad or did the Aggies already yank that video off of YouTube? Bummer... And, my money is on the Aggies having a rougher first decade in the SEC than Baylor did their first decade in the Big 12... It's gonna be ugly. Good thing blood doesn't show up so well on maroon.

Chop281Shop
Chop281Shop

Because I'm a tax paying Texan who hates the Aggies. In case you didn't know it A&M is a state PUBLIC university. In most universities outside College Station. This is taught in civics.

AgAlum '02
AgAlum '02

You sound like a moron, dude.  Settle down, take a breath, and try to write clearly.  Your post makes no sense.

Sean Pendergast
Sean Pendergast

Way to find the longest object of a "Way to (do something)" statement that I've ever read and am aware of in the history of my reading things on the world wide web. (Wait, looks like I beat you.)

Texaslaw07
Texaslaw07

Way to show up late to the "A&M joining the SEC is a bad choice" party. Also, way to waste some of my lunch break learning about you not having anything substantial to write about.

ahem!
ahem!

I prefer to think of you as the "founding father" of this post.

Randyag15
Randyag15

well if you look at the current class of 2013 according to rivals you just lied right here on the interwebs.  I can't imagine that....1. Michigan. 2.  Alabama 3. LSU 4 Texas A&M.

Randyag15
Randyag15

Sean-I also meant to say I enjoy hearing you on the radio and your column is great....I do however miss you and John harris...I think back to those wonderful years before the man took over.  I do enjoy listening to you and John G, keep it up and Gig'em.

Iaebm
Iaebm

Why would a 5 star recruit want to play for a team that will not be anywhere near the top of their league and see no BCS or NC game for a decade?  Aggies move to SEC just solidified UT's & OU's (OSU and Baylor, too) recruiting position in the state of Texas.  Thank you.  The rich get richer and the dumb get eaten.

Texafornia
Texafornia

Dude, that was not a PR video. That was an unintentional parody video. What you need to do in this instance is own it and phone your beloved university and inform them that they embarrassed Aggies across the entire nation. What a travesty. 

UTtexJosh
UTtexJosh

Really? What is this blog about? I guess you really filled an informational gap with this one. Dont waste your time thinking of the Aggies and be a fan and support the teams you really love. Provide people with actual information with passion on the teams you love. Do you passionately think of the Aggies? This type form of Aggie bashing is better left to someone who cares.

Sean Pendergast
Sean Pendergast

Ha ha, wow someone is taking themselves a little seriously. Frankly, I just appreciate being called an "author". Actually makes me sound important. 

Texafornia
Texafornia

September 8th cannot get here fast enough. I've been on record that this was a colossal mistake on the Aggies part and in time it will be proven correct. As you mentioned, Sean, the money is about the same between the two conferences and the B12 is stabilizing nicely. Instead of worrying about UT, OU and OSU (as of late), now the Aggies, winners of one conference title in 14 years, will concern themselves with LSU, GA, Auburn, Bama, Ark and Florida. Pure brilliance out of college station. Just like that first video. 

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