The Definitive Anthology of Bobby Petrino's Affair with That Hot Volleyball Player
This past Sunday evening, after a quiet dinner at home, Arkansas head football coach Bobby Petrino decided to unwind by taking a leisurely ride on his motorcycle. Leisure nearly turned to tragedy as Petrino crashed the motorcycle in a story that, at the time, had a shelf life of about 15 minutes, mainly because the coach survived the crash with merely some cuts, nicks, bruises and broken bones (despite the wishes of the greater Atlanta and Louisville metropolitan areas).
Jessica Dorrell, motorcycle companion.
Petrino was riding the bike without a helmet, which, as it turned out, wound up being only the second dumbest thing he was doing while cruising around on his crotch rocket. What follows is a chronological breakdown of the latest episode of Petrino scumbaggery and college football head coach hubris.
This is the "Definitive Anthology of Bobby Petrino's Affair with That Hot Volleyball Player":
VIDEO: Bobby Petrino Addresses the Media About His Motorcycle Accident
The Monday after the accident, a scuffed-up, neck brace-adorned Petrino strolled into the media room at the Arkansas facilities and spent ten minutes answering questions about the crash:
It all seems fairly simple, right? Petrino crashed his bike, which frankly could happen to anybody. He managed to survive despite NOT wearing a helmet, which frankly I thought could only happen to Les Miles. He's in some pain now, but he plans to coach the team in some capacity through spring practice. However, we will soon learn that the money-shot quote from the press conference was this:
Head Coach Bobby Petrino (on how he got from the site of the accident to the hospital) -- "Well, when I came out of the ditch there was a lady there that had flagged down a car. The guy that was in the passenger's seat said, 'Get in, we'll just take you right to the hospital instead of waiting,' and so I got in the car and they headed towards Fayetteville. In the meantime, on my cell phone I had a call from Lance King, so we set up a place to meet, and then he brought me to the hospital. The first call I made was to Doctor Arnold, to tell him I needed to get to the emergency room. He was actually in Fort Smith, but made all the arrangements for my arrival."
LINK: Deadspin: The Police Report From Bobby Petrino's Motorcycle Crash
As we are inclined to do, especially in this day and age when the information is available with a few simple keystrokes, the media immediately went digging for the police report on the crash, mainly because (a) we have a morbid curiosity, bordering on voyeurism, when it comes to stuff like this, and (b) there's roughly a 97 percent chance Bobby Petrino is lying anytime he opens his mouth.
Sure enough, the police report outs Petrino:
ACCIDENT SITUATION: OPERATOR PETRINO (V-1) WAS TRAVELING WEST ON HIS MOTORCYLE IN THE WESTBOUND LANE OF ARKANSAS STATE HIGHWAY 16 WITH PASSENGER DORRELL RIDING ON THE BACK. FOR AN UNKNOWN REASON, V-1 (PETRINO) TRAVELED ACROSS THE WESTBOUND FOG LINE AS HE WAS APPLYING THE BRAKES.
Wait, wait, wait...whoa, whoa, whoa...Passenger Dorrell? Yes, that would be 25-year-old former Arkansas volleyball player Jessica Dorrell, who within the last two weeks was handed a job as some sort of student-athlete development muckety-muck in Petrino's football program. Here is what you need to know about Dorrell: She's young, she's hot and she's not Petrino's wife, which means she seemingly hits all of the hot buttons on Petrino's personal checklist.
Oh yeah, and she's ENGAGED. More on this in a minute.
So from a certain point of view, I mean, I guess technically Petrino was being truthful at his post-crash presser. When he came out of the ditch, there was a lady there. He just happened to leave out the minor details about her being half his age and the shared hobby they have of boinking each other in their spare time.
(SIDEBAR: Two very underrated parts of the police report, both in Petrino's handwritten version of what happened. First, Petrino spells the word "tried" with a "Y" -- "TRYED." Petrino is frequently referred to as a "genius" within football circles. If that's the case, I shudder to think how the coaches of mere average intellect would spell the word "tried." Perhaps Petrino should understand his limitations and, not unlike delegating the coaching on the defensive side of the ball, hire a good spelling coordinator. Second, how about the haphazard use of exclamation points at the end of this portion of the report: "...I was lying in a wood pile!!!!" The end of that paragraph is screaming for an "LOL!!!!" or a "ROTFLMAO!!!")
LINK: Jessica Dorrell and Josh Morgan's Wedding Blog
As I mentioned, Jessica Dorrell is engaged to be married. The
poor sap's lucky groom's name is Josh Morgan, and he is also employed by the Arkansas athletics department in the capacity of something called a director of swimming and diving operations (or as I like to call it, "a job that pays about the same amount in an entire year as Bobby Petrino will make in the first half of the 2012 season opener").
Like many young couples in love, Jessica and Josh want to brag to the world about their eternal happiness and their giddiness over spending every waking moment together from now through eternity. And in 2012, not only can you brag to all of your assuredly indifferent friends about your upcoming nuptials incessantly in person and on the phone, you can also do so via blog!
Unfortunately, after an onslaught of Internet trolls turned the Comments section of Jessica's and Josh's blog into a night at the Improv, Dorrell and/or Morgan shut their "We're soooooo excited to be getting married!" blog down. Fortunately, as I'm told by one of my listeners, Brian in Blacksburg, the Internet is (figuratively) "written in ink," and thankfully someone saved most of the really funny comments in a message board forum. Below are 19 of my favorite comments:
WHORE from: Becky Petrino 4/5/2012 5:51:52 PM
Give him head and the body will die
from: Gregg Williams
4/5/2012 5:51:11 PM
Bobby, make sure you get all her clothes/dresses...and remember, you were just giving her a ride to a charity event for legless children.
from: Bill Clinton
4/5/2012 5:50:53 PM
Hey Josh- No problem on the tux returns. FYI, even our rental tuxes are less worn than your fiance.
from: Men's Wearhouse
4/5/2012 5:50:52 PM