For May Day: The Nine Leaders of the USSR, Ranked on Hotness

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Feel the hawtness.
Tomorrow is May Day. It doesn't mean a lot in the U.S., but in many nations it's their version of Labor Day.

Back in the day, when there was such a thing as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, May Day was a big, big deal. Soviet leaders would stand on a huge stage as mighty missiles, demonstrating the USSR's supposed "missile gap" over the USA, would parade by. Kremlinologists would pore over pictures to see who was standing where on the stand and what that meant about the Soviet hierarchy.

The USSR is no more, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't notice the day. So let's rate the nine leaders of the Soviet Union, based completely on their hotness. (If we agreed with hardliners -- or Mitt Romney's advisers, who believe there's still a Soviet Union and a Czechoslovakia -- the shirtless judo expert Vladimir Putin would be number one.)



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9. Nikita Khrushchev
The entertaining book K Blows Top looks at Nikita Khrushchev's incredible 1959 trip to America, including a trip to the filming of the Frank Sinatra-Shirley MacLaine epic Can-Can. He denounced it as pornographic, which, along with his looks, makes him completely unhot. MacLaine's memories of the event don't reveal any hidden hotness on the part of Big K.


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8. Konstantin Chernenko
K-Cee lasted only a year and a month as the Soviet leader, and you don't think Ronald Reagan was heartbroken?

"I keep trying to negotiate with the Soviet leaders, and they keep dying on me," he said, and you can almost feel the tears as he contemplates what could have been with his potential Konstantin Kompanion.


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7. Georgy Malenkov
Oooh, that casual lock of hair falling so sensuously across the forehead? You have us singing:

(And yeah, we noticed the "Gayer Days for Broadway" headline, too.)

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Figgy Jones
Figgy Jones

Finally! Been waiting for a post like this. Shall we call them RED Hot?

Get it????

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