5 Ways to Celebrate a Truly Decadent Fat Tuesday

You'll need a Jerry Jones poster. Trust us.

Here are five tips for having a truly decadent Fat Tuesday:

5. Don't leave the house
If you're going to be truly decadent, that means you're going to have to break as many of those seven deadly sins as possible. That includes sloth, so no going to a Mardi Gras parade and jumping up for beads. No going to work, either. If you want to do this right, you're going to have to get up at noon and, among other things, begin drinking heavily.

4. Indulge with the full knowledge you're giving nothing up for Lent
Yes, Fat Tuesday is supposed to be one last big blowout before the sacrifices of Lent. You're so badass you're blowing out without the least intention of giving anything up for Lent. Suck on that, God!!

3. Get a noise-ordinance citation
We know, we know -- what's so decadent about this? Under the city's new noise ordinances, smooth-jazz clubs are getting cited for playing their drum brushes too loud. Still, police involvement: Major points on the decadent scale.

2. Ask a neighbor to flash her boobies
What's the worst that can happen? (Note: Have beads available if she complies. And have bail money available, too.)

1. Worship the devil
That's right, this year you're going all in on the decadence. You're not just playing the devil's music, you're bowing down to an iconic image of Beelzebub. Just be sure to have gotten the Jerry Jones poster you'll need for this purpose the night before because, remember, you can't leave the house Tuesday due to that whole "sloth" thing.