Houston Texans Grieving Process 2.0: At Least We're Not THIS GUY in Louisiana! (w/ NSFW VIDEO)
With each day, the pain of Sunday's loss to the Ravens continues to dissipate. However, it still hasn't subsided to the point where we shouldn't be taking pleasure in the acute pain of others.
SEC football fans, ballin' up.
In fact, in the spirit of yesterday's post, the pain hasn't subsided to the point where we shouldn't be taking pleasure specifically in the acute pain of people from Louisiana.
To that end, if you're reading this at work, you'd be best served to close the office door or have your body blocking your computer screen as you watch the video below.
You've been warned.
If you've been searching for a living metaphor for what Alabama did to LSU a couple Mondays ago on the field, go ahead and click play on the video below:
As is my modus operandi, let's break this baby down Zapruder-style, shall we?
0:01 -- (Brent Musberger mode ON) You are looking LIVE at the Krystal restaurant in the French Quarter on Bourbon Street where several jovial Alabama fans are celebrating their team's national championship victory over their archrival LSU Tigers by partaking in some day-old sliders and by stacking garbage on top of a comatose LSU fan!
0:06 -- First sighting of the Alabama fan who ultimately becomes the monster heel in this video. Backwards lid, 'Bama windbreaker, cheesy facial hair. We will call this guy Tee Bagg. (You can see where this is going...)
0:10 -- We get our first glimpse of the 'Bama super couple in this video. It's a female wearing a number 10 jersey, and a male wearing a number 3 jersey. Thanks to the hard work of the good people at Deadspin, we now know that the female is Ellen Cassin (her name affixed to the back of her jersey, not a great way to stay anonymous) and the male is Patrick Setterstrom, who happens to be the son of a sportscaster in Mobile, Alabama, named Randy Patrick Setterstrom. As a broadcaster with teenage kids, I can confirm that short of your kid being mortally wounded, terminally ill or winding up on Jerry Sandusky's list of victims, this is the media member's nightmare -- your kid acting the fool on a YouTube video that will wind up as evidence in a sexual assault case.
0:12 -- Setterstrom sets the tone by threatening to take his pants down and do something to the unconscious victim. Thankfully, and perhaps out of jealousy, his girlfriend stops him.
0:30 -- Someone in the crowd says, "This guy's life is over," referring to the passed-out LSU fan. While that guy surely woke up with a raging hangover, the person in the peanut gallery ironically should have been referring to Tee Bagg. We move along....
1:00 -- 'Bama fans walk up to the LSU quasi-corpse and snap pictures with him like they're in some sort of college football drunken-fan wax museum. Note at this point that nobody in this 'Bama mob has checked to see if the LSU fan is alive or attempted to wake him up. SEC! SEC! SEC!
1:04 -- Tee Bagg is eyeing the fallen victim like Carlos Lee eyes a Tortuga jumbo burrito -- with 100 percent focus and with a downright creepy amount of lust in his eyes.
1:10 -- Apparently despondent that the victim's anus is unavailable, Bagg decides to stick his fingers in the victim's nostril and ear, because sticking your digits into the unsanitary body cavities of a wrecked fan of your opponent is how he celebrates! SEC! SEC! SEC!
1:58 -- Yeah, with that many empty french fry boxes laying around, it was just a matter of time before they started constructing a french fry-box pyramid, and 'Bama fan does it so well, you'd think they offered it as a major! (This is where the entire non-SEC part of the country all screams "THEY DO!")