Pop Rocks: The Hunger Games Trailer, Reviewed By a Non-Reader of the Books

​I don't know much about The Hunger Games. It's nothing personal. Plenty of people enjoyed the series, but my stack of "need to read" books stands at about 50 titles already and generally swings between ponderous historical tomes and crime novels of the Dennis Lehane/George Pelecanos variety. Maybe I'll get around to Suzanne Collins's trilogy eventually.

But I wouldn't bet on it.

However, plenty of folks were excited when Lionsgate announced last year that production has begun on the first filmed installment. Set for release in March of 2012, the movie adaptation stars Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone) as Katniss Everdeen, one of 24 "tributes" chosen by the government to fight to the death for the viewing enjoyment of a dystopian future post-America. Because it's getting late and I'm short on ideas, I thought it'd be fun to offer my going-in-blind commentary on the just-released trailer.

C'mon, it'll be fun.

​0:18 - She seems good with a bow and arrow. I wonder if that comes in handy later.

​0:22 - Oh shit! The Galactica!

​0:30 - This takes me back to recess in elementary school when I lived in Salt Lake City. Only SLC wasn't this Caucasian.

​0:50 - Hey, a lottery. That reminds me of that Shirley Jackson story with a similar plot. I think it was called, "Creepy Clown Faced Lady Pulling Names Out of a Jar."

​1:10 - "Peeta?" "Katniss?" It wasn't enough for the Capitol to force the districts to send tributes to their (probable) doom, they had to steal all the decent names, too?

​1:21 - "It's only a model."

​1:25 - Forcibly stripping hair from a young woman's legs? CURSE YOU, BARBARIC DYSTOPIAN FUTURE! Wait, what?

​1:31 - Wow, Kiefer Sutherland looks like shit.

​1:48 - Apparently it's pretty easy to figure out who lives in the Capitol: They all have terrible hair and/or beards. It looks like Woody Harrelson ("Haymitch(!) Abernathy") is wearing Randy Quaid's rug from Kingpin.

​1:56 - Wait, I thought she was dating that other g...oh.

​2:11 - Yes, I said two sequels.

​2:23 - For all the discussion of choosing 12-18 year-olds, the tributes this time around appear to skew towards the older end of the spectrum. I have no idea how this ties in with the book, though I suspect the move was made to assuage the fears of American audiences who might be a little squeamish when it comes to killing children.

So there it is. Have they captured the feel of the book? Everybody look like you thought they would? Are the words "Battle Royale" ever spoken? Because, you know.