The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Business Names in Houston

Categories: Whatever

flb.jpg
Gained in translation.
Legend has it that back in that glorious half-season when Randy Johnson was mowing 'em down for the red-hot Astros, Drayton McLane thought up what he believed was a brilliant way to part Astros fans from still more money had one of his famous food-service brainstorms. He wanted to unsheath an immense hot dog -- like 16 inches or something -- named in honor of his ace fireballer. Possessed of a steadfastly moral Baptist mind, McLane insisted on calling this gargantuan wiener "The Big Unit."

His underlings were aghast. How could they tell the boss that maybe, just perhaps, there might just be some phallic undertones? A little tittering?

McLane wouldn't hear it. To him, there was nothing naughty about a big thick tube steak called "The Big Unit."

I imagine the meetings at Astros Central looked something like this:

At any rate, evidently someone finally got to McLane and no Big Units ever slid between the lips of warm, moist buns at the Astrodome. (Per Wikipedia, Johnson himself was not so prudish. He served up 22-inch Big Unit dogs at his restaurant in the Phoenix area.)

But other local businesses pressed on ahead with their naughty, unintentionally hilarious and/or disgusting names. Here are ten of the best:

10. BJ Services When Baker Hughes paid $5.5 billion for BJ Services a couple of years ago, many wags thought the price was too stiff. After all, BJ services can be purchased for $10 on many area street corners.

9. Finger-Lickin' Bukateria Here's what Houston Press food critic Katharine Shilcutt had to say about this Southwest Side eatery:

Oh, you silly Nigerians, placing the term "finger-licking" right next to a word that sounds strikingly like one of the filthiest terms in all of pornography. The "finger-licking" here refers to the fact that you have to continually wet your fingers while eating the sticky balls of fufu that accompany your soup. A "bukateria" is a portmanteau of the words "buka" (a Nigerian term for an "eating house") and cafeteria. But to clueless Houstonians, these two items create the perfect storm of eyebrow-raising and dirty laughter.

8. Runny Food Store Ick. That's all. Just ick. (It's on North Durham a little south of West 11th.)

7. Backdoor Sushi The owners of this defunct River Oaks Plaza Japanese joint stumbled onto what is quite possibly the best-ever name for an Asian porn movie.

6. Chewy Balls Tapioca Teas This defunct Spring teahouse had a very descriptive name. Also a very silly and naughty one.

My Voice Nation Help
20 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
jim
jim

The "Big Unit" story reminds me of the time in the 70s when the admiral in command of Navy recruiting heard the Village People's "In The Navy" on the radio and said "Gee, that would be a great theme for a recruiting ad." Since the first rule of the Naval Service is The Admiral Never Has A Dumb Idea, hundreds of thousands of dollars were spent flying the boys in the band to various Navy bases all over the map, filming them performing on flight decks and fantails and paling it up with obviously "WTF?" bewildered swabbies. Finally someone got to a higher-ranking admiral and said "Boy, this ad is going to make a laughingstock out of the Navy. You see, sir, those guys in the funny costumes do songs about all-male institutions like the Navy and the YMCA because....."

Mikecope
Mikecope

You left off Blo-N-Go Bar on Paschall and North Main.

Tom
Tom

There used to be a barber shop in Acres Homes called the "Time Cut."

Smedley
Smedley

While I'm not sure if they're exclusive to the Houston area, there is a pool care business called Poolife.

The name is so much more funny in text.

Nathan Smith
Nathan Smith

I can't help giggling a little every time I pass Bich Nga Hair Designs in Midtown.  

Vincent Aurelio
Vincent Aurelio

I don't think anyone can top BJ Services -- who is seriously in the business of stimulation, pressure pumping and completion fluids!

Championshipvinyl73
Championshipvinyl73

a dog grooming business on Luella in Deer Park named "Doggy Styles". I shat you not. A converted Stop N Go in Pasadena now named "Come and Go".

Megan
Megan

There's a chain of gas stations in the Midwest called "Kum & Go".

Alex
Alex

You have left out FU KIM (no longer in business though)

MadMac
MadMac

My Hoa supermarket and not to be out done the locals offer Brother Man Food Store, not on the fifth floor, (while holding up four fingers). 

KING
KING

But yeah, as you mentioned, I don't know one Houstonian who can't rattle off five hilarious Asian business names off the top of their head when asked.

KING
KING

There's a hair salon in Midtown named Bich Nga. I always feel like a chump when I'm eating at Les Givral's and I look out the window and see that sign.

DuckDuckGoose
DuckDuckGoose

"Climax Lubricants & Equipment Company is a Plug, Ball & Gate ValveLubricant/Sealant manufacturer."  7915 E ElmHouston TX 77012

Mark_h01
Mark_h01

There used to be a store in Acres Homes called Come and Come food store. May still be there.

MASSMURDERMEDIA
MASSMURDERMEDIA

i remember that joint...  not far from bula-bula topsoil...

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

General

Loading...