Albert Haynesworth Is Proud of Hurting Matt Schaub

Hey, hey, hey....

We've talked so much about the effect that Matt Schaub's injury could have on the remainder of the Texans' 2011 season (and rightfully so), we haven't even really talked about how it happened.

And until Albert Haynesworth decided to open his mouth this week, it really wasn't important.

But apparently the corpulent Tampa Bay defensive tackle is pretty proud of the fact that it was his near 400-pound rotund frame that ended Schaub's season, even going as far as to imply that Schaub was making screaming noises, essentially calling into question the quarterback's manhood:

"It was on the goal line. He actually screamed like normal in the pile."

My favorite part of Haynesworth's version of the story is his categorization of his role in the play as someone making a "hit." The play was a routine quarterback sneak by Schaub in order to get out of the shadows of his own goal line. Haynesworth basically fell on top of Schaub's foot, which, when you consider the fact that Haynesworth is about the size (and shape) of a small elephant, means that it is a small miracle Schaub didn't lose the limb altogether.

It was hardly a "hit." Gravity made the hit on Schaub. God chose Haynesworth's fat ass to represent gravity. That's it.

Actually, on the list of things that Haynesworth is proficient at "hitting," football players in general (let alone Schaub) are very low on the list. Others include:

5. Golden Corral
To be clear, I don't know that the GC is Haynesworth's buffet of choice, I just know that Fat Albert looks like a guy who can appreciate a good chocolate fountain. Rest assured, if you are reading this on or around Thanksgiving, chances are strong that Haynesworth is in a tryptophan-induced coma on a Barcalounger somewhere.

4. The unemployment line
If you're looking for a sample career arc to avoid that doesn't involve JaMarcus Russell, Haynesworth's is a solid specimen. Peaking in 2008 as the most disruptive defensive force in football and subsequently becoming the highest-paid player in the game, Haynesworth's idea of fulfilling the hype was to balloon to the size of a downtown ZIP code, bitch about playing in a 3-4 defense and disappear on Sundays. Eventually, the Redskins cut their massive losses by trading Fat Al for a 5th-round pick to the Patriots. The Patriots cut him a few months later. The Bucs picked him up out of desperation, and to date tumbling onto Schaub's foot is his most noteworthy accomplishment. From highest-paid player to unemployed in two years -- that has to be some sort of record for a healthy player.

3. The "Ignore" button when creditors call
From Haynesworth's Wikipedia biography:

On June 22, 2010, it has been reported that Clayton Bank & Trust is suing the NFL lineman, alleging that Haynesworth has failed to make payments on a loan in the amount of more than $2.38 million. The suit was filed in the Knox County Chancery Court on June 18, 2010. According to papers, Haynesworth entered a commercial loan agreement for the original principal amount of $2,381,688.58 on June 27, 2009. On February 27, 2009 the two parties entered into an Extension Agreement with an effective date of February 27, 2010, according to the suit. The attorney for Clayton Bank & Trust, Hugh B. Ward, Jr., is seeking a little over $2.4 million.

Proof positive that $41 million in guaranteed money doesn't go as far as it used to.