Mosquito Invasion: Five Tips on How to Survive

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Bloodsuckers
When your historic drought is temporarily broken by some welcome rain, you're gonna get mosquitoes coming to life.

This past weekend was a slap-happy affair, as the so-called "floodwater mosquitoes" broke out of their eggs and tried to feast on human flesh.

Five ways you can survive:

5. Stay the hell inside
You've got the World Series, football, the crazed goofiness of the GOP primary and, probably, a TV series or two. Who needs the outdoors?

Yes, October in Houston is the reward you normally get for July, August and September in Houston, but if it comes with clouds of biting bugs, maybe it's best to take a pass this year.

4. Use repellent
Seems sort of, how would you put...friggin' obvious? But that's the advice the experts are offering to the media via the public. Our tip: Do not apply repellent while standing near any free-trade coffee/natural foods/WTO protester, unless you want to be subjected to a lecture on the awful environmental effects you are producing just to fight something which is part of nature, and if you don't like nature you should stay in your yurt. What, you don't have a yurt?

3. If no repellent is available, hit on an overly perfumed woman
Sure, it can get a bit nauseous standing next to some woman who applies perfume like it's a humidifier. But the stuff attracts the mosquitoes, we've been told, so make the sacrifice.

2. Enjoy the crazy slap dance of other people
One of the few advantages to a mosquito infestation is the chance to see someone who's 20 feet away acting like a ranting lunatic, waving his arms around his face. Bonus points if he's on a Bluetooth or something, meaning he's also carrying on a conversation seemingly with himself.

1. Don't even fool yourself that the bug in the car will fly out your lowered window
Yes, it's highly annoying to have a bug flying around in front of you as you drive. Scientific research proves conclusively, however, that the time-honored method of lowering a window and gently trying to persuade the bug to fly out, via cupped-hand pushing, seldom works. Especially if you're doing 65 mph at the time.

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2 comments
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KING
KING

6. Let Moses and his people go.

Fred
Fred

I was also told this weekend that I wasn't going to "freeze" them either if I cranked the AC in the car.

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