Football! The Weekend's Best Bets (w/ Token Palin & Brown Hand Guy Videos)

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Still dreaming of Glen?
In the quest to have my posts appear in the list of most viewed, certain weekly topics that I do have a ceiling. For example, this Friday post during football season where I give my best bets likely only appeals to a certain degenerate segment of society (despite how amazingly lucrative my picks are...what?). As a result, there's a ceiling on how many hits this post will get.

It appears, however, that if a post includes something about Sarah Palin getting boinked by Glen Rice or anything involving the creepy Brown Hand Center dude, that's a recipe for high volume views.

So before I get to my picks, my token Palin and Brown gestures...

There, now let's make some money:

NOTRE DAME -5 over Michigan State
I have to be right on Notre Dame eventually. Besides, I would hope that the football gods have a little gift for 69-year-old Irish fan Leo Staudacher. Who is Leo Staudacher? Well, maybe you missed this story (courtesy of ESPN.com):

The 69-year-old Leo Staudacher's heart stopped during the second quarter of last Saturday's game at Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor. The Bay City native survived much in part due to a fan at the game who performed CPR on him and others who called for a medical team.

Staudacher was then transported to the University of Michigan Health System and was diagnosed with having a heart attack, according to the Washington Post.

After he received treatment, Staudacher watched the final quarter of the game from his hospital bed, witnessing Michigan's thrilling victory.

So basically, the hospital let a man who just had a heart attack watch his team lose in the most baffling choke job of the last half-century. I mean, why not just hook him to an IV with a gravy drip and shove an Italian hoagie down his throat?

Anyway, the Irish finally win one for Leo. I think.

MIAMI -2 1/2 over Ohio State
Wow, who to take in the "Bad Karma Bowl." I mean, do you go with the team that allegedly had 72 players receive some degree of improper benefit from a convicted Ponzi-scheme felon, or do you go with the team who had several players suspended for swapping memorabilia for tattoos and who lost their coach for lying about knowing it? Tough choice. Thankfully, the tie was broken this morning when former Buckeye quarterback Art Schlichter pleaded guilty to state theft charges stemming from a ticket-fraud scheme, which is an ancillary transgression to his gambling addiction that has owned him for decades now. In the process of scamming hundreds of thousands of dollars, Schlichter managed to bankrupt a 69-year-old widow and put her homes into foreclosure. Scales officially tipped to the Hurricanes.

Texans -3 over DOLPHINS
Why not.

BILLS -3 over Raiders
REDSKINS -3 1/2 over Cardinals
STEELERS -14 over Seahawks

A little phenomenon we like to call "negative body clock" at play here with these three picks. As the theory goes, you should always pick against teams from the Pacific Time Zone who are going to the East Coast for 1 p.m. Eastern Time Sunday kickoffs, the thinking being that the Pacific Time Zone teams typically arrive less than 24 hours before game time and their bodies still feel like it's West Coast time. Thus, the players from the Raiders, Cardinals and Seahawks will feel like they're kicking off at 10 p.m., which on a normal Sunday means they'd have barely finished their danish and coffee, let alone that they would be running down covering kickoffs. This rule was actually so bulletproof for a few years that the NFL appeared to almost intentionally place the kick times for these "West team travels east" games in the late afternoon slots. But magically, the gambling gods have given us THREE on Sunday. Basically, take all three, and we'll almost assuredly win two.

Last week: 4-2
Season record: 6-6

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from noon to 3PM weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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