Dr. Brown's Letters to Sophie, Volume II: Your Mom's a Bitch

Categories: Whatever

michaelbrownmug090811.jpg
Creepy, creepy letters.
We're still chomping at the bit to get our hands on any of the seven self-published tomes Michael Brown has written about his greatness, including how awesome he is at hunting dangerous game like giraffes. In the meantime, we have the unpublished Letters to Sophie, which we kicked off with an excerpt last week.

Unlike other letters, this one has a title -- "Sophie Must Cry." After reading it, we're still not sure why Sophie must cry. Endure years of therapy because her dad's a freak, sure, but cry? Maybe y'all can help us with that one. Here, then, is our second installment. Note that all the weird spelling and punctuation is taken verbatim from his letters.

I am writing this book for my sweet darling daughter Sophie and my dear sweet unborn daughter who I hope withh be called Roxanne Rianna Brown -- "Roxy." I love you so damn much babies....You two sweet smart babies whom I adore are the purpose and love of my life. You two are genetically programmed with such___intelligence as to make most cower in disbelief. How, fucking ever you too unfortunately have your mothers genetic constitution to be unbelievably cold hearted bitches...I am sorry for fucking your mother instead of someone else.
QUE intellect [arrow] fucking TOUCHED

You baby girls are my pride and joy. Unbelievably and unabashedly I will tell you I, yes I am the fucking alpha male and live to suit my dick until you two sweet children of GOD came along and now I live and breath for your happiness and God's fulfillment.....Well my sweet baby girls I am your only SANE protector and I must PROTECT you two from your loving mother's idiocy and lunacy. I love you both and know you are part of GOD'S Plan. Sweet baby girls love your mother but PITY her for she is not even slightly worthy and contributory to your genetic constitution. The smart is from me the bitchy her. Sorry, she had a nice ass and I was hard.

Man, that last part is almost a haiku. He should seriously think about a second career writing greeting cards.

My Voice Nation Help
50 comments
bill_mann
bill_mann

The thought that he operated on my hand makes me ill.

jake8jazz
jake8jazz

um ... yikes

Houstonfoodies
Houstonfoodies

And to think my Dad only gave me a used Ford Pinto... Guess he didn't care enough to leave me seven volumes of crazy craptalk.

Gaff in a Head Act
Gaff in a Head Act

Hello, CPS? Do you have enough to take those kids somewhere safe? This is unfuckingbelievable.

Lemorton1
Lemorton1 like.author.displayName 1 Like

When the day is done and you want to ride on.....

bluntforce
bluntforce

Note to self: become doctor, act creepy, get fucked-in-the-head trophy wife.

leeclowspubes
leeclowspubes

Seriously, this guy and the guy behind @leeclowsbeard are birds of a very, very diluted feather. 

blondbutnotdumb
blondbutnotdumb

Sad - but not that uncommon in some divorces.  My teenage son got almost an identicial e-mail last week.  Good news is that he is well grounded and knows where the problem is...If Sophie's Mom handles this correctly - Sophie will turn out okay! 

Guest
Guest

holy shit.....

SK
SK

laughed

punkin003
punkin003

Are you freaking kidding me with these letters???  Is this a joke, please say it's a joke!  If not, somebody needs to put this man away and destroy those letters and for GOD'S SAKE!  Someone please protect those children!

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

Nope, it ain't no joke. And brace yourself for more, punkin. But destroying the letters? P'shaw -- these belong in the Library of Congress!

My2Cents
My2Cents

I just can't even imagine how he talks to his daughter now that she's nearly a teenager... I don't even want to know how he explained the birds and the bees to these kids.

BooKat
BooKat

Sounds like dude could be a friend of Steven Powell...what a freaky douchetard...

Jake_V
Jake_V

i always knew this dude was off his rocker, and I know most girls are somewhat crazy, however....this guy fucking fell of his rocker and roll down the stairs some time ago.

Money and African hunting does this to folks.  Its that dam inspehilitis (sic) LOL

Ssherm_texas
Ssherm_texas

Thank heavens he was forced to waive his parental rights with the two older girls.  Hopefully he'll do the same with the Rachel edition kids, but she's no paragon of parenthood either!

Janina
Janina

I think this man is dangerous to his children. They should never, never be left with him alone. Although  I knew nothing about him--seeing him in a TV commercial with his daughters years ago was very disturbing..

Mainframe
Mainframe

If Dr. Brown is an example of what it is like to be super-intelligent and super-wealthy, it makes me very happy to be otherwise.

Cityslicker
Cityslicker

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!!  THERE ARE CHILDREN BEING CRUCIFIED IN THIS WAR OF THE ROSES AND ALL YOU GUYS FEEDING THE FLAME.  GET A LIFE!!!

My2Cents
My2Cents

oh yeah and screaming at us just made it oh so much better

Early Cuyler
Early Cuyler

How in the hell did this guy become a doctor in the first place?  What a fucking freak.  He has a point about nice asses, wars have been waged over them.

big red
big red

Hey, what about all his other kids? Does he hate them all? Or has he forgotten they exist?

Craig Malisow
Craig Malisow

My bad -- I didn't make it clear in this entry (as opposed to the previous one) that these are old letters, from '99-'00, written around the time Sophie was one.

Blake
Blake

Maybe things would be better if you concentrated more on clarity and less on "[living] to suit your dick," Craig.

Tunnel Mole
Tunnel Mole

Thank you so much for exposing him, Blake--ugh, no wait, I didn't mean that the way it sounds.

Are you related to the Blake's burgers in Albuquerque?

TK
TK

Is THIS for real?  Or Is this an early April Fool's joke?  No way he can be this big of an A-hole.

DowntownJulieBROWN
DowntownJulieBROWN

PLEASE for the LOVE of GOD - put the pipe in your mouth and the pen in your hand DOWN, Dr. Brown.  PAGING ANY Doctor willing to do a PRO BONO Vasectomy!!!!! 

Gaff in a Head Act
Gaff in a Head Act

DowntownJulieBROWN, you are my new hero.

Uhhh...you're not related to him or anything, are you?

Longhorn289
Longhorn289

He dodged a bullet last week, but I have a feeling the good doctor will get good and loaded and commit another atrocity. Hell, based on these excerpts alone, his kids shouldn't be allowed within 100 feet of him.

Jim C
Jim C

You know, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Hill
Hill

"I am sorry for fucking your mother instead of someone else.."   In other words kids, he wishes he would have performed the BROWN PROCEDURE with her instead of the Daddy's baby girl maker.

Gaff in a Head Act
Gaff in a Head Act

Someone needs to shove a BROWN PROCEDURE up his ass. And no, I don't think that was a euphemism.

bluntforce
bluntforce

It's "PATENTED Brown Procedure," you insensitive cad. Get it straight.

zoey
zoey

Way to shit talk your kids mother. These girls are going to grow up and know that their dad is a nutball. Nice boundaries. 

Endisknocking
Endisknocking

really, he's also shit talking them, also calling them bitches. also, cracking up at "alpha male." bitch please. 

Hill
Hill

It is almost if Michael Brown is writing a "How To Have Your Daughters End Up As Strippers, FOR DUMMIES" book.

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...