10 Texas Answers to a High School Sex-Ed Test

Standardized sex tests for Texas?

It's the first of its kind in the U.S., but it probably won't be the last. Should such a test ever make its way to Texas -- notoriously bad at teaching anything but abstinence -- we recommend that students come armed with plenty of rubbers. (Erasers, not condoms, of course. This is Texas.) Can you imagine what kinds of answers students would bubble into Scantrons here? We can. You may now turn to page one of your blue book:

1. Please check one. HIV stands for:

a) Human Immunodeficiency Virus
b) Homosexual Infectious Vengeance

2. I have some questions about sex. I should:
a) Research on the Internet
b) Check out books from the library
c) Keep quiet and observe my farm animals doing it
d) Move to another state

3. Please check one. STI stands for:
a) Something To Ignore
b) Sexually Transmitted Infection

4. Joel is a good Christian, but he had unprotected sex once. Though he doesn't have any STI symptoms, he gets tested anyway. The test reveals that Joel has Chlamydia. Pick two rational reactions to this news:
a) This is extremely common, as many men are asymptomatic for STIs
b) Joel shouldn't be worried. Chlamydia can be cured with an antibiotic
c) Joel is a good Christian, so the test must be wrong
d) Joel is going to die, and then swiftly enter Hell

5. Yeast infections can result from:
a) Stress
b) Medications
c) Not using enough lubricant during sex
d) Texas toast eaten past its expiration date
e) All but d