Red Sox Fan Gets to Second Base (The Good Kind -- w/ VIDEO!)

Fun at the old ballpark.

​Last weekend, the Boston Red Sox came into Minute Maid Park and pretty much did everything to the Astros they possibly could short of making sweet love to all of their wives and girlfriends. If you're an Astros fan, it was just another lost weekend in a litany of lost weekends that are rapidly comprising the worst season in team history.

Coming off another oh-fer weekend of baseball, it wasn't so much losing three more games that pissed off Astro Fan (we've become numb to that), but instead it was the way that the Astros seemingly rolled out the red carpet for the Red Sox fans.

Playing "Sweet Caroline" between innings? Check. Lobster rolls available in the concourse? Check.

One Red Sox tradition of which I was completely unaware, but would have absolutely participated in had I known about it, was the "Top of the Third Inning Breast Fondle"! Who knew? But sure enough from last night's game between Baltimore and Boston at Fenway Park....

Observations from that video:

1. The feel-copper is a very lucky guy on a couple fronts -- first, he has a hot significant other who obviously at least likes sports and is at least tolerant of public boob-touching, which (barring major psychological issues) puts your quality of relationship at a minimum of a B+.

2. Red Sox play-by-play guy Dan Orsilla handled the situation perfectly, mostly because he handled it exactly the way most of us would have -- by laughing hysterically and then not being able to compose himself for the next two minutes. Kudos, Dan. The Emmy is in the mail.

3. On the other hand, there was something a tad unsavory about Jerry Remy, color analyst, wanting to throw the broadcast down to the very attractive sideline reporter Heidi Watney less than a minute after a boob fondle was broadcast over the air. He seemed a little too anxious to involve her in the festivities. (To be clear, I was fine with it. Me and "unsavory" generally live in the same neighborhood.)

So if the Astros want to truly continue to rip plays from the Red Sox playbook, may I suggest making Mondays or Tuesdays (traditional wretched attendance days, as opposed to weekends, which are just moderately wretched) Breast Touch Day at the ballpark. If you want to punctuate it by allowing kids to run the bases at the end of the night but stop at second base, well, Astros Marketing, you can have that idea, too.

Seriously, Craney, when you take over ownership, I have a million ideas to boost attendance. Call me.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game and Sporting News Radio (Sirius 94 and XM 208) from noon to 3 p.m. weekdays, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.