7 Reasons Transformers 3 Made Me Want to Kill Myself

Categories: Game Time, Movies

The-Critic-1-1-web.jpg
It stinks!
Yes, I try and keep it sports-related in this space as much as I possibly can. That's what I've been asked to bring to the table on Hair Balls and that's where my area of expertise lies. However, sometimes there is confluence of circumstance so powerful that I must stray from sports and share my thoughts on an outside topic.

So if I happen to see a steaming pile of mind-numbing crap like the new Transformers movie during a week where the MLB All Star Game and two lockouts of our other major professional sports coincide, then I will give you my review of said movie.

Here it is:

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Now THAT is acting.
It sucked. Badly.

In fact, if you were to put an NBA Draft style scouting report for Transformers 3 together, it would look something like this:

STRENGTHS

1. Special effects in 3-D
2. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass

WEAKNESSES

Where to begin....okay, how about these seven?

7. I guess we're all supposed to be happy at the end of this movie that eventually, like in the first two editions of the franchise, the babyface Autobots beat out the heel Decepticons and took back control of planet Earth. There's one big problem -- the entire city of Chicago is burned to the ground. The third-largest city in the country is reduced to rubble. Kinda takes some of the steam out of the Autobots' rousing win. By my estimation, the only people happy about the end of the movie are Green Bay Packer fans and St. Louis Cardinal fans.

6. Whenever the movie takes place (this year, next year, whenever), apparently we have advanced to live in a world where, despite the entire city being plundered in explosions and fire and dust, cars don't get a single scuff or mark on them. Bad era to own a Bubbles Car Wash.

5. Along those same lines, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, or as I like to call her, "Not Megan Fox," manages to run around the city of Chicago in the middle of 9/11-like conditions and look the entire time like she just stepped off the cover of a Limited catalog. Lipstick in place? Check. White top unmarked? Check. Amazing.

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21 comments
Celeron917
Celeron917

I love it when people exaggerate about how bad a movie is... "I slept 3 hours and when I woke up, I knew the whole story", "it was so bad I wanted to kill myself", "this movie sucked so bad, I built a coffin to bury myself in", "I hated this so much, I slapped my mother for giving birth to me." really people? Cmon.... The movie made a billion dollars... please. A billion dollars means people not only watched it, they kept paying to come back and watch it again.  It's amazing the lame exaggeration people will say to express hatred. Who's next for "I hate this movie so much, I burned down the theater, beat the box office man and cursed his soul to eternal damnation for selling me these tickets"? Any takers??

User1
User1

This is the most logical comment reply I've heard in ages. I mean people ridiculously exaggerate how bad a movie is. You want to kill yourself over a movie? Are you that stupid? This review was a hundred times stupider than how stupid people think this movie is.

guest
guest

ur a complete twat m8 that film was brill and everyone i no that saw it thought it u dnt have a clu what a good film is wat a dick u r!

Anonymous
Anonymous

Sean, 7 reasons you are afucking idiot.

7: transformers is a multi-milliondollar franchise based on robots from out of space blowing each other up, theaudience viewing this summer spectacular ARE OBVIOUSIY going along to it toadmire the intricate plot devices and heartwarming character development...not.

6: Stating that this movie madeyou want to kill yourself is an immature and exaggerated statement… I’m waiting…

5: Okay, so they are extraterrestrialintelligent sentient beings fighting out an endless civil war on our homeplanet, but oh no!... “cars don't get a single scuff or mark on them”…seriously, THAT’S THE PART OF THIS MOVIE YOU DON’T BELIEVE?!

4: So you are a sport’s commentator or whatever? Maybe stick to thatrather than criticizing something when you can’t even formulate valid ideas and as to why this isn’t a good movie. What youare doing is picking out individual things about this movie you didn’t like,and making witty snide comments in order to try and get people on your side.You are not a movie reviewer! Perhaps write a review when you’ve come up withsomething good to say… or don’t, I would prefer.

3: SORRY I CAN’TTHINK OF A PROPER REASON- enough said.

2: Rosie Huntington-Whiteleywas recently voted the sexiest woman in the world, yet you still wine about hermake-up and clothing not being dirty and torn up enough... Do I have to explainto you what sex appeal is and how many viewers it is capable of bringing alongto see the film?

1: -23 outof 5 stars? Aren’t you a funny boy!

 

Codyaustin
Codyaustin

Your a fucking idiot. You need to continue on your sports page loser. It's a movie first of all. Secondly, there transformers. What kind of self living robot wouldn't have some sort of cleaning system. Also optimus prime gets his arm pulled off at the end. Ironhide gets blown up by sentinel prime, who also dies. Oh yaah an alien life form that can't fix a scatch or dent..... Thirdly, bumblebee is the mother fuck in shit, your just mad that it's not your car. Your also mad that your not the one making 29 or so million dollars off of a movie with transforming, talking robots. I do agree that the girl never gets dirty no matter what the situation. Also Sam does a scene where the producers, oh so obviously, set up a perfect little par core section just for him. But it was a little long and drawn out. Other than that the movie was spec-fucking-tacular, and when you see a movie, you should look for real flaws not your personal wants and needs of a movie. You wanna know what bad producing is? Go watch almost any horror movie in the last ummm every one of them. I've never seen a scary movie in my life and vie seen plenty of horror movies, there just not anything they promise ever. Btw any of you others who don't like this movie, I guarantee you all don't really give a shit about the transformers and don't care about the whole message of the movie of the fact that while the deceptions are chill in in space hiding and shit, the autobots were protecting the humans from harming themselves. Dick head people like the guy that wrote this horrible uninformed review, are the same type of people who would go and do some shit like work for the deceptions, or if you would like to go real life with the equation, some Arab or iraqian. Your a dumb little terrorist is all you are. Ass. Shit was off the hook.

JW
JW

Ohh all you haters....this was a great summer movie!  Sure it's not Kubrick, or Terintino but is it supposed to be.  Cant wait for #4 in 2013!

JB
JB

thought it was great.  ended too quickly, other than that, I appreciated what Michael Bay did with a children's toy from the 80's in as much as brining it "to life" in the 2000s is concerned.  It's definitely not a thinker, but I knew that going in.  Most of the things that bothered you might bother me in a movie where I didn't expect those things, but when I saw the trailer for TF: DOTM, I kind of knew what to expect.  I knew the running time before the movie as well.  Chalk it up to different strokes for different folks I figure...

Skmcgrail
Skmcgrail

Ok then. You obisously saw just some of the film from the trailer and clips. Honestly I liked it. The effects were great, the explosions were amazing, and decent acting. I would like to see this guy to produce a movie, it's harder than the it looks. Anyway following this review I give this guy a -23 out of five.

Guest
Guest

If you didn't like the 2nd movie then why did you even bother going to see the 3rd one? Just to vent on a website how bad you thought it was? It's a science-fiction movie, key word "fiction" meaning that it's fake.  Last time I checked, people went to the movies to enjoy themselves; to have fun in an alternative world that doesn't exist (in this case).  No one should care what the critics say to begin with, they should watch a movie & have their own thoughts/opinions about it & judge it for themselves, not based on what anybody else thinks.  If you went to see it & hated it then so be it, but why express your thoughts/opinions in a way that makes you appear as nothing more than a self-centered, egotistical, cocky person who has more than enough time on their hands to whine like a child when it comes to something as insignificant as a movie.  Do the world a favor, get off the 'Transformers hater' bandwagon, get over yourself, & use your time to do something more worth while.

Celeron917
Celeron917

GREAT point man. It's like people are taking pride in bashing TF2 and using it to justify their greater hatred for TF3. But my thinking is, well why did you see the third if you hated the second so bad IDIOT? TF3 was great, I mean it's almost a fact since it made so much money. But hey, to each their own.... so if you hated TF2 and have lame hatred stories about how horrible it is (it's amazing how people exaggerate their hatred for a movie with lame examples) then why in your idiotic mind did you see TF3? Makes you look like an idiot

Nelbin
Nelbin

If you guys wanted to watch a story that made sense then dnt watch michael bay he does the graphics and everything

Dudley "Booger" Dawson
Dudley "Booger" Dawson

It was nice to see him take on something that he normally doesn't take on.  The only part i disagree with is his rating:  There weren't enough negative stars in the review.

Codeman9119
Codeman9119

But your not a fuckin movie credic so you obviously don't know how many anything should be anywhere so shut the fuck up about shit you don't know about. Yes I went to an ivy league school for theatrics so please don't come back with some stupid,,,,,,, you don't know either,,,,blah blah.

Nicklaktin
Nicklaktin

I hate to break this to you...THIS ISN'T SPORTS THIS IS A SCI FI SO GO WATCH A MOVIE THAT HAS SOMETHING to do with SPORT not MICHAEL BAY STUFF cus he likes things as big as Optimus or bigger going around blowing things up not picking up a ball and kicking it! And I suppose you didn't notice the cuts in the "bullet proof skin" because I sure did. And I guess you didn't watch all those cars getting blown up or stepped on? Did u even watch thus movie or did u fall asleep during it?

Dudley "Booger" Dawson
Dudley "Booger" Dawson

Come on latch key calm down.  The whole series sucks because Michael Bay is a whore who throws explosions into everything and expects you to get a story out of it.  he completely corn holed what was a pretty cartoon when I was a kid to pan handle to chodes like you. ZOMG it was like so awesome and kaboom and you don't know shit you should kiss BaY's ass Like i DO!!111!!oneoneone!

Codeman9119
Codeman9119

Or your just not smart enough to realize what's going on..

Sancho
Sancho

Shoulda seen 'Horrible Bosses'- it is much better and only about an hour and a half.

Jeff
Jeff

I was given tickets to see Transformers 2, which I hated, but the part that made me literally want to walk out - and made my buddy turn to look at me and say, "Are they fucking serious?" - can be summed up in two words: robot heaven. End of story.

Ribalding
Ribalding

A buddy dragged me to see this pile of crap.  (It was his turn to pick the movie.)  The strangely wonderful thing I noticed was despite my taking TWO naps during this movie, I woke up for the last 15 minutes and totally understood what was going on.  I did not miss a thing, despite falling asleep for literally half of it.

Has to be some kind of record.

Celeron917
Celeron917

Yea that's definitely a record, you nailed it bud. You slept like a baby through it and wala, you nailed the movie like a nail and a hammer. You NAILED and explained precisely just how horrible the movie was. EXACTLY.............. um... LAME.....  It's amazing the exaggeration people come up with to explain how much they hated a movie. "I slept 3 hours from beginning to end and I knew the ENTIRE script! Wow what a record!"... cmon bud... the movie made a billion dollars which means even if you hated it, the worldwide consensus is that it was factually a great movie. And even for the sake of argument you're right?..... To say it was "HIS turn to pick the movie", "took TWO napes", "woke up for the last 15 minutes", "didn't miss a thing"... sounds kind of lame and like a little kid trying to explain why he hates his parents for not letting him spend the night with his best friend. Lame...

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