7 Reasons Transformers 3 Made Me Want to Kill Myself
Yes, I try and keep it sports-related in this space as much as I possibly can. That's what I've been asked to bring to the table on Hair Balls and that's where my area of expertise lies. However, sometimes there is confluence of circumstance so powerful that I must stray from sports and share my thoughts on an outside topic.
So if I happen to see a steaming pile of mind-numbing crap like the new Transformers movie during a week where the MLB All Star Game and two lockouts of our other major professional sports coincide, then I will give you my review of said movie.
Here it is:
In fact, if you were to put an NBA Draft style scouting report for Transformers 3 together, it would look something like this:
1. Special effects in 3-D
2. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's ass
Where to begin....okay, how about these seven?
7. I guess we're all supposed to be happy at the end of this movie that eventually, like in the first two editions of the franchise, the babyface Autobots beat out the heel Decepticons and took back control of planet Earth. There's one big problem -- the entire city of Chicago is burned to the ground. The third-largest city in the country is reduced to rubble. Kinda takes some of the steam out of the Autobots' rousing win. By my estimation, the only people happy about the end of the movie are Green Bay Packer fans and St. Louis Cardinal fans.
6. Whenever the movie takes place (this year, next year, whenever), apparently we have advanced to live in a world where, despite the entire city being plundered in explosions and fire and dust, cars don't get a single scuff or mark on them. Bad era to own a Bubbles Car Wash.
5. Along those same lines, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, or as I like to call her, "Not Megan Fox," manages to run around the city of Chicago in the middle of 9/11-like conditions and look the entire time like she just stepped off the cover of a Limited catalog. Lipstick in place? Check. White top unmarked? Check. Amazing.