The Oprah Finale: Five Ways to Improve It

That's quite the treasury.

Of course, we've seen YouTube clips of Tom Cruise jumping up and down, and we're sure we saw snatches here and there in a waiting room or something.

But that's it. We're not saying it makes us a better person or anything, it's just that we feel our utter lack of familiarity makes us extremely qualified to offer five ways to improve today's finale.

5. Don't tear up at the end
It's the move everyone's expecting, O. Be original. Go out with middle fingers flying like some playa who just lucked out on a Maury paternity test.

4. Build up to the greatest audience giveaway ever
And then have it be five-dollar Subway footlongs for everyone. Come on, those greedy fucks who've sold their mother for a ticket are thinking new car or Australian trip. Let `em learn about real life, and how it kicks you in the teeth.

3. Admit your new cable network is the worst corporate decision since New Coke
"Even I can't watch that much of myself, and believe me I've tried!!"

2. Surprise Beyoncé with a sex tape of herself
You've got enough cash to make it happen, that's for sure. The thing will be solid-gold Digg bait, and you need the clicks, frankly.

1. Don't have Maria Shriver on the show and ignore the elephant in the room
Too late on that one, apparently. We're sure you've got her lined up for a carefully scripted "probing" interview on some upcoming special, though.