Dallas Mavs' Promo Video: A Life & Death Battle of the Gods, Examined Second By Excruciating Second

It just may be the single most defensive and embarrassing such video ever, but hey, it's from Dallas.

Let's examine this thing.

Throughout, the music is so over-the-top dramatic it makes "O Fortuna" sound like `70s soft rock.

0:01: "They said." They? That's impressive sourcing, the kind you'd expect in your crazy uncle's e-mail forward about Obama saluting the Mexican flag while pissing on an American one.

0:04: "They said the Mavericks were soft." WHO ARE THESE MEAN PEOPLE?!? Maybe the Mavs just believe modern masculinity does not have to include testosterone-laden stunts like driving the lane. Meanwhile, the video shows Dirk Nowitzki getting barely and lightly slapped on the body, thus forcing him into taking a fadeaway jumper.

0:10: The beginning of the world's silliest slow-motion shot of a basketball going through the air. The suspense is already KILLING me -- do you think it will go in?

0:11: "They called us...the '#oneanddoneboys'". Really? Twitter smack is getting to you to the extent you make a freaking video about it? #supersensitive

0:17: The ball continues to move through the air. Because, you know, it provides unity and an overall theme to the video. "They said...Our fans couldn't unite." Those bastards. Actually, we've heard of calling other teams' fans a lot of things -- bandwagon jumpers, front-runners, idiots -- but we've never really heard anyone dissing a rival by saying "You? Your fans can't even unite!! PWNED!!!"

0:19: To prove they can indeed unite, the fans are shown all wearing the same color t-shirt, which we're not sure shows "uniting" so much as "the ability to follow orders like so many sheep." Fans in the stands are seen holding their hands over their hearts, just to add to the vaguely Nuremberg feel of it all.

0:23: "They said...The 'champs' would beat us down." What, the Lakers weren't the champs? "Good" use of quotation marks.

0:26: Whole lot of shots of white Mavs in this thing, fwiw.

0:27: "Mavs fans....This. Year. Is. Different." In case you thought it was 2010 or something. Just a calendar check here.

0:36: "Let THEM hear you....The time is now." Got it -- the time is now, the year is different.

The slow-motion ball does indeed go into the basket, in case you were wondering.

If a playoff win against Oklahoma City produces this Ride of the Valkyries, we can only imagine what winning one game against the Heat will do.