Five Texas Sluts Worth Admiring

SlutWalk Houston is right around the corner, and we've decided to celebrate, (Hair) Balls out. In case you're not familiar with the march, SlutWalk was born of a Toronto police officer's comment that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" in order not to be raped. It's a chance to stop the cycle of victim-blaming when it comes to rape, and possibly to strip a dirty word of its sting by owning it as only true sluts can.

Here's an homage to our five favorite Texans who took a stand through the name of sluttiness.

Joanne Webb was caught selling sex toys red-handed.

5. Joanne Webb
Not long ago, the vibrating faux phallus hidden in your sock drawer was considered an enemy of the state. It was illegal in Texas to sell, give, or even lend a dildo or other sex toy to a vagina in need. All the way until 2008!

Joanne Webb didn't let a frigid little law get in her way of spreading the joy of self-loving to Texas housewives. The Burleson mother (and Baptist) was a rep for Passion Parties, the sex-toy version of Tupperware parties. In 2003, two undercover cops busted her whoredom wide open when they posed as a couple that wanted to recharge their sex life. Webb sold them a vibrator, told them how to use it and was arrested on the spot. Though later acquitted, her case helped unlock the Texas chastity belt that led to the law's repeal.

So every time you reach for your butt plug, say a silent thanks to Webb. Her gospel of sluttiness penetrated far, deep and wide into the dark and cavernous yawn of Texas decency.

FWISD: Barely legal.

4. Fort Worth Independent School District
Everybody raised in Texas knows that sexuality is a switch that flips on at the altar, resulting in clean and controlled copulation later that night and at several other times in the course of a life. Before saying "I do," sex is sinful and shameful and causes you to die. If you believe in God, you will not get an STD. Don't even ask what happens to the homosexuals.

So found a 2009 study, more or less, conducted by two professors of health education at Texas State University. The study, called "Just Say Don't Know," surveyed almost 1,000 Texas school districts to figure out what our children are learning about sex.

The results aren't pretty. Only four percent of Texas school districts teach anything beyond abstinence-only, it found. The other 96 percent? Well, here's one e-mail response from Evant Independent School District:

[We are] a small school with 301 students in grades PK to 12. Most of these kids live on a farm or have animals they feed and care for. They get a pretty good sex education from their animals.

(And that was just one of several "our animals teach sex better than we can" replies.)

Though they can be counted on less than one hand, there are a few oases of slutty school districts. Fort Worth ISD, the study found, offers one of the only comprehensive sex education districts in the state. Yes, abstinence is still the prescribed way of boning. But the district's School Health Advisory Council (SHAC) also mandates that schools provide "relevant and necessary information regarding other means of contraception and disease prevention in a thoughtful and non-judgmental way," according to a document from the group. Fort Worth's SHAC meets often, the study found, and members are required to keep up-to-date on legal and health issues.

Sounds pretty slutty schoolgirl to us.