Andy Fastow Needs Work: Some Potential Jobs

Categories: Crime

andrew_fastow,051811.jpg
Andy Fastow: Time to get a job.
As you might have heard, Andy Fastow has returned to Houston after his stint in a federal prison.

He's currently in a halfway house and, let's face it, he needs a job. Luckily the rules allow him to leave the facility for work or community service.

But Fastow comes back to a changed Houston. To help him adapt, and in the hope he can line something up in this tough economy, we offer our job tips:

5. Houston Texans statistician
Look, numbers are wonderfully malleable things. You say the other team got 38 points and the Texans only got 21 (14 of them scored in garbage time) and that means the other team "won"? Fine. Let Fastow bedazzle the press for a while and those numbers will come out as another win for Houston.

4. Salesman at Texas Tuscan Furniture
Why Texas Tuscan? Because it's at 1302 West Gray, which is the former home of...Jus' Stuff, the antiques store opened by Ken Lay's wife after the Enron collapse. Fastow could commune with Ken's ghost while he tries to upsell a West U lawyer's wife on a dining room set.

3. Texas Comptroller
Sure, current comptroller Susan Combs was able to whip up an extra billion or so in "expected revenue" when the legislature needed help, but that's not nearly enough. Texas needs someone who can spin billions and billions out of thin air with a couple of PowerPoint slides. Fastow has proven he's got what it takes. Why not use that talent?

2. Open up a cheap moving company
Look, ex-cons have to stick together, no matter what the parole board says. And nothing says "ex-cons" more than a fly-by-night moving company, the kind that seem to infest Houston. "Handling your valuables as carefully as the Chewco or Jedi offshore accounts!!" is a winning slogan, we think.

1. Astrodome Developer
Two things are clear about the abandoned Astrodome: a) There's no affordable plan that would reliably transform it into a moneymaking facility, and b) No politician has the balls to call for it to be torn down.

Enter Fastow. He'll have that thing looking like a money-printing machine in no time. And it will all sound good. Why shouldn't all Harris County taxpayers get to feel like Enron 401(k) shareholders?

Failing all of these, we guess he can always find a job at his in-laws' Weingarten Realty, closing down beloved Houston stores and theaters.


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9 comments
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pamplemousse
pamplemousse

 he's hot! where's this halfway house at...

Norm
Norm

 Maybe he ought to visit his former boss Jeff Skilling in prison. Jeff's serving 24 years, mostly due to Andy's testimony at the trial. Jeff may have some thoughts on what Andy could or should be doing to continue on with his life. That would be an interesting meeting to sit in on, wouldn't it?

Dave Small
Dave Small

 The only talent Fastow has shown us would be the ability to put together complex offshore swindles. He can start an investment company. Name it, "The Smartest Guys in the Room." Get a mailing list of Bernie Madoff's investors and Allen Stanford's investors and he'll be off to the races.

Mr. Blonde
Mr. Blonde

Fastow should get out of town as soon as the pigs will let him - he is a marked man for sure.  Noone thinks he has paid anything substantial relative to his crimes.  His lack of remorse and sense of entitlement are especially galling to honest working people.  A pox on him and his fellow felon/convict wife.

Anthony
Anthony

Lack of remorse?? Quite the contrary, he expressed his sorrows and wanted to un-due his past actions in his testimony and even the judge and lead prosecutor felt he was truly sorry.

Boomer
Boomer

He wasn't sorry at all for what he did.  The razor-cut jagov was only sorry he wasn't smart enough to keep the swindle going when it all collapsed.  What kind of man doesn't take a plea that keeps his own wife out of jail?  I'm with the guy below, he can suck my balls.

big red
big red

Aw, come on. He is already well qualified to shovel shit from the elephants at the zoo. Put him to work there.

Larry Kessler
Larry Kessler

Right before this story appears one headlined "Houston SCPA (sic) Suddenly Has 200 Small Dogs To Care For" which notes that "the dogs 'have a combination of internal and/or external parasites and moderate to severe skin conditions and need to be treated" and that "[v]olunteer groomers are needed because many of the dogs are matted and covered with feces and urine."

This story points out that, "Luckily the rules allow him to leave the facility for work or community service."  Seems these problems can solve each other; perhaps when Mr. Fastow has completed a few weeks' community service at the SPCA washing urine and feces off flea-bitten and urine-soaked dogs, he'll qualify for a veterinary technician job.

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