The Ten Worst Things Texas Has Given to the Modern World
If we were to list all the great, terrific things Texas, Our Texas has given to civilization, we would be here all day. (Two words: Jessica Simpson.)
It's not nature's way, it's Houston's.
Unfortunately, Texas has also gifted America and the world with some things the world and America would no doubt like to give back.
There are only ten, in our view, although your mileage may vary.
So, world, sorry about these:
10. Breast Implants
Houston was the epicenter for placing stupid-looking foreign objects into the breasts of perfectly fine-looking women so that they could then bleed dry the bank accounts of doctors, bankers and oilmen. (David Schwimmer and Chris Cooper starred in a movie about it.)
There may be some good, subtle implant jobs out there, but the industry seems determined to churn out immobile, plastic-looking titties that fool no one. For this, America, we apologize. Or at least some of us do.
9. Vanilla Ice
Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa
Dallas's Robert Van Winkle did accomplish one great thing in his career: He ensured that the R&B artists getting ripped off by being sampled on rap songs got paid. Van Winkle Vanilla Ice had to pay up for his first two singles: Wild Cherry sued over "Play That Funky Music," and -- after initially saying he hadn't sampled their "Under Pressure" riff -- he paid Queen and David Bowie for "Ice Ice Baby."
Unfortunately, to help set that precedent, he needed to establish that well-off white kids could become commercially successful trying to he hardcore OGs, and this terrible discovery has affected culture ever since.
8. Tom DeLay
If there was ever a more idiotic Congressional proceeding than the impeachment of Bill Clinton, we'd be hard-pressed to know what it was.
Sugar Land's Tom DeLay was the behind-the-scenes impresario of the whole farcical, hypocritical, reckless, wasteful circus, and well, we're sorry. It is only a small relief to watch a desperate DeLay cling to D-List celebrity, like an old silent-screen star in the `40s, with embarrassing episodes like appearing on Dancing With the Stars.
7. Barney
When you have a child, there are many times you thank whatever deity you pray for when certain things become clear, like he's healthy, or he's not a whiny pain in the ass. Another great moment, at least for us, was when it became obvious our kid had chosen Thomas the Tank Engine over Barney.
He had flirted with the idea of Barney, because after all it was on TV and therefore magical, so we knew enough that if he was to get hooked, we would eventually go insane. Thomas, on the other hand, offered cleverly done action and the voices of Ringo Starr and George Carlin.
Barney came out of Plano; his godawful song never leaves your head once heard, the plots are insipid and his voice was used at Guantanamo on uncooperative Al-Qaeda leaders.
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