The 15 Worst Astros Baseball Cards

Baaaaaaby Ruth!!!

​It's Astros season again, which more than likely means copious losses, manly tears, beer bottles broken over televisions, and the testicular fortitude of a snake-charmer to get through nine innings of a game without the aid of alcohol, narcotics, or a distracting game of Angry Birds.

When we were young, the best distraction from a losing season -- and they were legion while growing up in the late '80s and early '90s in Houston -- was a pack of baseball cards and a few friends to trade them with. Somewhere at my parents house is a box full of most every Astros card from 1988 until 1996, or when I discovered the careers and measurements of Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra as better ways to waste my time.

Growing up, baseball cards meant the world to me. I opened a new pack with the same relish and wonder that smokers crack open a fresh pack of Marlboros first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee. Funny that I never noticed how inherently creepy some of the pictures on the cards were, when I wasn't busy rating my cards by how much they were worth according to my trusty Beckett price guide.

With the help of the Astros Baseball Cards blog, I culled a few of the weirdest Astros cards from over the years, and added my own captions.

15. Nolan Ryan

​"What ya thinkin' about, boo?"

"Nothing. Just meat."

14. Brad Ausmus

​Invisible Butt Secs

13. Bruce Bochy

​"'We were ten miles out of Houston when the acid began to take effect..."

12. Doug Drabek

​Hey, it's Doug Drabek wearing those cool mid-`90s uniforms, and HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT CROTCH BULGE.