The 15 Worst Astros Baseball Cards

Categories: Baseball, Sports

charlie-kerfeld Baby Ruth!.jpg
Baaaaaaby Ruth!!!
It's Astros season again, which more than likely means copious losses, manly tears, beer bottles broken over televisions, and the testicular fortitude of a snake-charmer to get through nine innings of a game without the aid of alcohol, narcotics, or a distracting game of Angry Birds.

When we were young, the best distraction from a losing season -- and they were legion while growing up in the late '80s and early '90s in Houston -- was a pack of baseball cards and a few friends to trade them with. Somewhere at my parents house is a box full of most every Astros card from 1988 until 1996, or when I discovered the careers and measurements of Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra as better ways to waste my time.

Growing up, baseball cards meant the world to me. I opened a new pack with the same relish and wonder that smokers crack open a fresh pack of Marlboros first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee. Funny that I never noticed how inherently creepy some of the pictures on the cards were, when I wasn't busy rating my cards by how much they were worth according to my trusty Beckett price guide.

With the help of the Astros Baseball Cards blog, I culled a few of the weirdest Astros cards from over the years, and added my own captions.

15. Nolan Ryan

astrocardryan.jpg
"What ya thinkin' about, boo?"

"Nothing. Just meat."


14. Brad Ausmus

astrocardausmus.jpg
Invisible Butt Secs


13. Bruce Bochy

astrocardbochy.jpg
"'We were ten miles out of Houston when the acid began to take effect..."


12. Doug Drabek

astrocarddrabek.jpg
Hey, it's Doug Drabek wearing those cool mid-`90s uniforms, and HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT CROTCH BULGE.

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7 comments
Sihaya
Sihaya

You worked in a Ray Miller joke!  Well done, old chap.

Chris
Chris

C. Kerfeld was my pitching lessons coach back in 89/90.. Dude taught me how to throw a really wicked curve-ball. So good that Pedro Cerrano couldn't hit it! FWIW, Jay Buhner's bro Ted was my hitting coach.

Guest
Guest

Ah, the memories. I remember watching Charlie Kerfeld play. He always got a few snickers from us. Poor guy.

Flash
Flash

Those last two look like ads for a gay cruise.

Mark
Mark

#2's caption was my favorite. Too funny, Craig. I have almost all of their cards from 1980-1988. I think I'm about 10 years older than you.

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