Our San Jacinto Quiz, Including Silk Underwear, Syphilis and Dennis Quaid

By Richard Connelly Thu., Apr. 21 2011 at 7:01 AM

Good thing he wasn't named Sam Schnackenpfefferhausen

Today marks the 175th anniversary of the Battle of San Jacinto, the glorious day when a ragtag Texan army surprised a siesta-enjoying Mexican force and won independence for the Lone Star State.

The battle, fought near present-day Refinery Row out Pasadena way, has become the stuff of legend, at least in Texas. But how well do you know it? Take our quiz and find out.

1. The "Yellow Rose of Texas" was a nickname for:
a) Sam Houston's penis
b) Sam Houston's penis after his latest bout with syphilis
c) It's a sled
d) The woman who distracted Santa Anna as the battle began

2. The (seldom-heard) last verse of "Yellow Rose of Texas" says "We'll play the banjo gaily." Does that mean they'll play it like this?

a) Of course
b) Only if it involves poppers
c) No, jerk-off, "gaily" just meant "happily" back then
d) Sam Houston was gay?

3. Which of these things lasted longer than the Battle of San Jacinto?
a) Santa Anna's romp with the Yellow Rose
b) "Whipping Post" on The Allman Brothers at Fillmore East
c) A March Madness game that has 1:52 on the game clock
d) JFK's "Ask not" inaugural address

4. The Texans charged into battle yelling:
a) "Remember the Alamo!!"
b) "Remember how bad John Wayne's Alamo movie sucked!!"
c) "Remember how bad Dennis Quaid's Alamo movie really sucked!!"
d) "Remember where we parked!!"

5. Santa Anna shed his colorful uniform and tried to act like a normal soldier after the fight. A (pretty dumb) colleague called him "Mr. Presidente," thus alerting the Texans. How did they confirm his identity?
a) He was wearing silk underwear
b) He was wearing silk underwear that said "Yes is one of my favorite answers"
c) He had a fake Texas driver's license in his name from some Sharpstown strip-mall store
d) Googled him

Remember the Alamo, and whoever designed these things.

6. Only one unit of troops in the Texas army wore actual designed uniforms. They were:
a) The Montrose Volunteers
b) The Sam Houston Astros, who had a rainbow motif
c) The Men's Wearhouse Maulers, who guaranteed victory
d) The Kentucky Rifles

Tags:

History, Sam Houston

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Gaspar Ramsey

Number 4 was low-hanging fruit. Name a Dennis Quaid movie that didn't suck.

PositiveMate.com

I guess having syphilis is not the end of world. I'm living w/ syphilis for 5 years. It feels like the life I had ahead of me was ripped away. My friend told me an STD support site STDdatings,com..only for those w/ herpes,syphilis,HIV,HPV or other STDs..no rejection or discrimination..i've got lots of help. most important, find hope again.

Gwest

Can you catch an STD from spam?

ReillyP

Good lord, the facts of history are 'disrespectful'?

Yeah, they are. Real history doesn't match up to the propaganda that we are taught while being indoctrinated in elementary school. History is messy. And unintentional. And tragi-comic. If we'd encourage real education in the State, we might know this, and still be loyal to Texas.

Oh Brother

Quick! Don the tin foil cap!!

Johnny353

(His forefathers helped in cleaning up the mess at San Jacinto, thereby creating the state's first janitorial service)

Johnny353

What do you call a guy who cleans everything that's dirty? (Hint: used to be USA1...but now it's...let's see....)

Oh Brother

What do you call a moron that believes everything they read? Johnny353.

Elizabeth Reed

Well, I agree with anyone who trashes this quiz because the writer had the audacity to slam one of the finest melodies ever wrote: Whipping Post by the (R.I.P.) Allman Broz.

GlenW

You people are hilarious. Getting upset about a disrespectful quiz about our backwater state. You've really bought into the Texas nationalist propoganda the right has been filling school children with for decades. Well done.

Oh Brother

It's all a big conspiracy. Always is. Yep.

Tyler4all

Yeah, it's disrespectful but the writer probably wasn't trying to be disrespectful. He was trying to be funny but missed the mark completely. Really, not even amusing. Just kind of shake your head bad. Just write a regular quiz next time and no one will be offended. Bored? maybe. but better than angry.

Jennifer Groves

What the hell Houston Press? I agree with the others that say this article is disrespectful. Not to mention the term mulatto is considered offensive by many. Get a clue.

Guest

I thought it was funny.

Abduh

there is no "real media outlet" in Houston. Are you referring to the Chronicle? Give me a break.

HO HUM

No one said about about Houston, but I agree wholeheartedly with your Chronicle comment.

HO HUM

After reading this ridiculous, disrespectful POS it's no wonder you work at the HP instead of a real media outlet.

TEA PARTY NOW!!!

USA1, it's wonderful that a proud Arizonan such as yourself cares so much about Texas history! (Or is just that you hate Mezzkins so rabidly that you like ANY story about them getting killed?)

A real scion of San Jacinto.

Aw. Did you not do well on the quiz? Don't feel too bad. Not everyone is "book smart" (aka "regular smart").

However, becasue of your poor performance on the quiz, you ARE going to have to leave the state immediately. I understand that jobs are coming back to Detroit. We wish you the best of luck, and you are welcome to come down and visit us again some time. We'll even break out the cowboy boots and hats that we only wear when yankee tourists are around in order to maintain our facade of mythic stereotypes.